[JosieWales]

I teach high school and had this girl in class last year. She was adopted at age 11, along w/her younger brother and sister. Her bparents gave up their rights to her when she was five. She confided to me that she's struggling--she has a lot of buried feelings about her bmom and doesn't really know what to do with them. She said her amom is going to call a therapist/counselor for her, although amom doesn't know the extent of the girl's pain at this point. I did make the student promise me she'd tell her amom how she's feeling ASAP, and she said she would.

Anyway, she said her bmom made her promise, when she was five, right before she gave up her parental rights, that she'd never call anyone else 'mom.' I think this simple statement has caused the girl a great deal of anguish. She sad she's never called her amom 'mom' directly. (She's 15 or 16 now) Or her adad 'dad.'

I don't know how to help her or even how to begin, other than recommend counseling and that she tell her amom what she's feeling. She fantasizes constantly about going to see her bparents when she's 18 (bc she said her amom won't let her go before then). I have a son through adoption, but he came home as an infant and I have no experience w/older adoption.

I guess I'm just looking for insight, advice, etc. I feel like I should not be a part of this equation at all, ultimately. But while she's talking to me, I want to have some idea of how to help.

TIA.

[PabloandCarlosMama]

How painful for your student to carry around those feelings. It's good that she's beginning to talk about it and reach out. You gave her the best advice. Her mother needs to know and they need to get a good therapist who has a background in adoption and attachment. Hopefully, she'll be able to process all the feelings and grief that she's kept inside.

You're right in that you can't be her therapist. It's good, though, that you are a supportive adult in her life that is helping to guide her in the right direction.

My son was 11 y.o at adoption, and is now 13 years. He has four when he left his birth parents' home, and has memories. From the time I've had him, he's openly grieved the loss of his mother, and has idealized her. Last summer, he told me that he was sad that he left his home country, because now she won't be able to find him. Yet he was very relieved when I told him that even if he and his first mother found each other, he couldn't go live with her again, because he's "stuck with me and our family." We're doing extensive therapy on all fronts, and that has helped him feel safer in expressing those feelings. It's a lifetime journey for our children, and better to deal with it as a teenager than as an adult.

[momraine]

I would mention it to her mother. Just a short phone call. Though her mom may be more aware than you know, she may need that extra bit of knowledge you can give her. Also something to consider is that sometimes kids who have been through this kind of stuff have attatchment issues and they sometimes say things to try to get other adults to feel sorry for them.

[MilehighDad]

The best help I think you could offer her is to let her know that she is not the only one who has been through the system and has those conflicted feelings about her birth family. "Three Little Words" by Ashley Rhodes-Courter is a great book written by a girl who went into the system at 5 and was adopted at 11. Ashley is now 25 and in the book she talks about her birth mom telling her that she was the only mom and that she could never call anyone else mom. She had the same need to meet her birth mom and did eventually do so. But, she also found out through that process who her "real" mom was.

I think you should get a copy, read it yourself first and then give it to your student's mom. She knows everything in the book but it will help her and she should probably be the one to decide if it should be given to your student. It is a short read, I had to finish it in two sittings because it was painful for me because it reminded me of all my girls have been through. But, it will give you insight, give your student comfort from knowing she is not alone, and give your student's mom some understanding for what is really going on in her head.

Good luck, and thank you so much for caring about her emotional well-being.