[shecandoit]

I'm new to posting in this community but have been reading for awhile. My husband and I have been going through the process to be approved to adopt and will be completed soon. We do have one child (daughter) who just turned 18 and will be headed off to college this fall. We don't feel done with parenting so decided to look into adopting an older child, a son.

However, after going through the classes and reading so much I am wondering if we have lost our sanity. I read so many posts about all the hardships of adopting older children. Quite frankly, it is hard to find information on the successful stories and happy families. So that leads to the question: Why do you do it? If you knew then, what you know now, would you have adopted? What would you have done differently?

As you look for the 'right' match, how do you read the materials to help identify what you think you are ready to handle vs. what is too much (or do you ever know)?

We had identified that we were interested in adopting a boy, maybe two, between the ages of 6 - 14; leaning towards the 10 - 12 age range, but I wondered if we are just biting off more than we want.

Any thoughts? Words of advice as we continue this process? Thanks

[JGarrick]

One thing to remember is that the people who've found these forums are those with issues to address, so all those people for whom things are going swimmingly aren't here saying how great everything is.

[lucyjoy]

Would I do this again knowing what I know now? Yes. The two kids I have at home now were adopted at 4 and 10 and are a lot of fun. Was it hard work to get them to this point? YES, hardest work I've ever done.(they are 11 and 17 now).

All of my kids had fun moments except one. I enjoy them as adults now(except the one). Were they hard to parent? Yes, I often felt like this must be Hell.

By the time a child reaches 10 or 12, they've lived threw things many of us couldn't ever imagine. Their reality is different then ours.

The first 3 years of a child's life can effect a child's ability to attach(especially the first two).

As for interpreting profiles? After awhile you figure out what they mean(and we love to help new people interpret)

If I had the space and my dh were willing, I'd adopt again now.

[Mkuhlmann06]

Welcome shecandoit. You have found the right place to ask your below questions and all your future ones. We adopted a boy - he was 11 yrs old when placed with us and he's 12 now. (he's been with us for 18 months now). We were home number 15 in the 8 years he was in fostercare. He was at the therapeutic level when we were matched with him and to top it off, we finalized only 10 weeks after he was in our home. Of course we only saw all of his true behaviors come week 12 and on . It is hard to know what you can handle and what you can't. You do have to go in having some kind of idea, but quite honestly, you may not know until after you have a placement. (We fostered 3 kids prior to our preadoptive placement - so we had somewhat of a clue). Things to think about: do you have animals? You may want to make sure not to take in kids that have a history of harm (altho I wouldn't just trust any child placed in your home). Can you handle kids that wet the bed? What about physical disabilities? or medical needs? What about kids that have sexually perped and require 24/7 supervision? You and your DH can probably come up with things you can't handle or that are clear "no's". The rest are things you only learn as you go.

For us, months 1 thru 3 were easy (honeymoon). Months 4 through 12 were VERY HARD. Months 12+ we have seen great progress (with some minor bumps), but he has really grown and blossomed. Our AS lied, stole, lied, was extremely sneaky, hid homework, lied, purposely didn't do classwork/homework, lied, was defiant at times and did I mentioned lied? He's been on restrictions, we've removed all the furniture from his room to reduce my inspection time, we did pat downs before/after school, Ive driven him to the police station to be processed for stealing a girls DS out of her backpack at school, he's written sentences, done extra chores, had to do "mommy work" to make up for classwork and homework, etc.

With all that said, yes, I would do it again in a heartbeat (oh wait I am! Im working on placement #2 as we speak with an 11yr old girl). Not sure I would have done much differently, except delayed the finalization some, so I could have gotten help more easily. My agency would have been able to provide more, instead I had to fight for services for him on my own. Other than that, following through on everything I said - good or bad, is a must. If I said I'd be there to help him in 5 mins, I was there in 5 mins not 7, even if I was on the phone or compuer. If I said, because of his behaviors we can't go to a certain activitly or location (even tho I really wanted to go), then nope, we'd stay home and he'd do chores or other consequences. I don't "threaten" anything I don't have full intention in following through. Having clear rules and adjusting them as you go and as necessary is a must. Routine, routine, routine is very effective. I really think our AS had to see that good parents really do all the things we did and that we still loved him even tho at times we were mad, disappointed and didn't like him. We also had to have different expectations of him then we would have for ourselves or other kids. We measured his successes tied to his needs and abilities. We rewarded him for his good behavior no matter how small or insignificant it may be for other kids.

Are you going for straight adoption? fost to adopt? or fostering? Im guessing straight adoptiong by your post and your advice on reading the materials. When you start to see a few narratives/profiles and would like to know what they really mean by the words they are using - ask the folks on here. They can be helpful on deciphering the lingo.

Just remember, there are a lot of good/happy ending stories to older adoption - I'd like to consider mine one of them and most others on here as well - but I know for me personally, I only posted when we had problems going on or issues/concerns with behaviors. Plus, when things are rough, you need to vent and this is definitely the place to do it. So just because there are a lot of threads and posts with complaining, venting and seeking advice for negative/bad situations... there are probably that many good things going on that people aren't posting about. I don't want to make it seem though that its not without a lot of hard work and dedication. Again the definition of what is a successful and happy family is different for everyone and with the needs and experiences older children come with, what is successful and happy may be different than what you define it as now.

Good luck and continuing researching and asking questions.

[aspenhall]

The benefits are sometimes equal to the challenges.

If a bio child with little to no issues brings home a good report card, there is a little to celebrate....but when a kid with special needs who is suspended regularly, and was academically behind when they arrived...and who also struggles with anything requiring effort....when that kid learns a letter or a single math concept the celebration is monumental, and when that same kid starts getting all A's Well, it's nothing short of miraculous.

The thing is, with hard work, long suffering and effort comes rewards....almost daily. But it's necessary that the child is a good fit with your family. Pay attention to the personality traits as much as the behaviors...

And look in this forum to see the "what did you do right" thread for more good advice.

[shecandoit]

Thanks so much for responses so far, and I am interested in hearing more on the good and the bad. Learning other's experiences is so helpful.

Yes, we are not looking to foster; but to adopt. We are learning to be honest with ourselves about what we can handle and what we can't handle. We do animal rescue, and have assisted with puppy-raising for Guiding Eyes for the Blind so adopting a child that is good with animals is essential. We have also determined some other limitations in what we feel we can handle, but continue to learn.

Keep the feedback coming; you all are great!
Val

[chelspark1]

We finalized on our adoption of bio sibs (14 and 15 years old) six months ago. They have been with us for 18 months.
Our son has been diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrom since he has been with us and we are in the process of having his sister diagnosed with this as well.
Both came with some pretty big issues although at the time when they came to live with us we were told they had none. Since then we have found out alot of stuff which I wish their cw was more open about.
Right now we are dealing with some pretty bad behaviors with them which has been escalating over the past 3-4 months.
I, too, do animal rescue and had to give up alot of fostering because of the kids. This has been pretty hard on me because animal rescue is so rewarding to me and not doing it as much really hurts.

[Crissy011]

I think the biggest thing that I wasn't prepared for the time it is taking to bond/attach to my son. I think with babies or maybe even young toddlers, the bonding comes more naturally because they need you for the basics (ie, eating). With an older child, it is more complicated. Plus, if the child is lying, stealing, etc., it is hard to feel close to them. Having a bio child (which you do too), makes it hard because I KNOW how I SHOULD feel as a mom about my child.....but I don't. It is a weird situation to be in & takes a lot of adjusting. I'm trying to grow closer to my son by spending time & doing fun things...but it takes a lot of time/work. I think coming into this, I thought I'd "fall in love" with the child placed in my home immediately. I just thought it would feel so right when a match was found. Well, that isn't how it played out for me. That has been my biggest struggle thus far.

[kretzklan]

It's hard to say where to find the happy stories because I thought I was one...if you read some old posts, I was the person saying: this can work fairly easy, these kids can come to you with few or no problems...
HA, HA, HA...both my adopted kiddos have attachment disorder. It was always there - as were the signs - but this lady wanted so badly to have a great story that I ignored it. Also, be SURE you and DH are on the same page. Most of the time attachment falls squarely on Mom's shoulders and the maniupulation my kids work on with their dad - well, it kept my DH from believing anything was wrong for a long time. That's hard - my marriage has suffered in many ways as has my sanity. We also have an older bio son...and to be honest I would not do it again if I knew then what I know now. At least not with DS2. I can honestly say that, right now, he is ripping my family to pieces. At the same exact time, we are seeing huge strides with DD...but I don't even feel I have time to celebrate them as DS2 will be doing something terrible at the same time. Therefore, I would say that given the choice - adopting one older child is enough (at a time)...if it goes well, move forward again.
It's sad for me to say these things - I want ALL children to find a home...I've just realized that a home isn't enough - it must be a home that can deal with the issues that each child may bring.
Also, as PP mentioned...your attachment could be a hard part to...I struggled to attach to them (even when I thought they were doing great). It's hard to explain...but they just didn't feel like they were totally my children. Now, I realize that the little ploys were always there and they don't really think they are my children, so I was getting signs from them and not understanding. If I'm making myself sound stupid here, it's because I was. Coming back into control is hard...so just start there! Good luck!

[momraine]

I am two years out in adopting a six year old with RAD. He has given me some very, very frustrating moments. There were a lot of tears and such. (on my part and his and my dd who suffered) however, now I look at him and see how far he has come, (even with some backsliding over Christmas break) I think I would do it again. It's been hard, incredibly hard, and I probably would have said no if I had all the information beforehand, but it turned out I was stronger than I thought and with my friends here to help me I got through it and hopefully will continue to get through it as it's not over and he is not healed yet.

[aspenhall]

That's the thing....initially I would have run screaming had I known it all up front......

But by not knowing, it has allowed me to grow enough to handle the issues....and that makes it worthwhile.

Besides, I was a first time parent, and so I had the whole parenting thing to adjust to, let alone my dd's issues...

[wordsmither]

We adopted siblings, age 5 and 6 (now one year older). Beautiful kids with a background of abuse, homelessness, etc. The first half year was insane - half the time, I didn't know which end was up! Fortunately, they are remarkably intact, and thoroughly bonded to us. I'm so blessed to be able to love these wonderful kids! The happy stories are out there - you might want to google for people's person adoption blogs - they tend to include both good and bad. Ours is at Real-Life Adoption.

Best of luck to you!

[fritzi]

We got three kids at once, they were 4, 7, and 11. They were in the foster care system for 3 years and came from a horrific background of drugs and neglect. The kinship foster home they spent most of the 3 years in wasn't much better. Needless to say, they have issues.
We have also found the 11 year old, now almost 13, has been easier then the younger boy. One thing we looked for was a history of violence, which simply wasn't there. I don't feel we could handle violence from a child who is bigger then we are!
The biggest piece of advice I could give to anyone contemplating adoption is to check your motives! All kids have their own personalities and characters and you cannot mold them to what you want them to be. When you get an older child there are no illusions about this. I believe if the motive is to share your ability to parent with someone who needs parents because you want to see them have a chance-then it's all good. Hard, but good.

[mrsred]

Our first adoption was a little boy, five at placement, six at adoption. He had been neglected a lot from infancy so had a lot of delays. The first year he made tremndous strides, then things sort of plateaued. Now over 4 years since placement we are finally making headway toward a diagnosis... so far it is looking like the dx will be Asperger's Syndrome, Tourette's Syndrome or perhaps both. If we had known this prior to place,ent we would not have taken him. But, do I love him Yes. Does he love me? I am positive of it. Am I glad we didn't know - am I glad we have him? Yes. Would I do it again with him? Yes. In a heartbeat. He is my challenge and my joy.
Our second adoption was a little girl, 9 at placement, 10 at adoption. She had a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiance Disorder and ADHD. She has been very difficult. When I think we are making headway we backslide severly. Do I love her? Yes. Does she love me? I have my doubts. Would I do it over again with her? Probably not.
Despite the fact that our son's handicaps are much more pronounced, he never deliberately hurts me, my husband or his brother or sister. Because of her ODD she is constantly looking for new ways to wound me.

[MilehighDad]

Why do we do this? Well, you can read what our family is like in my signature. We have taken on these kids because along the road of our lives we saw that they are just kids and need a family. We came to understand a long time ago that we could love a child we met partway through their lives just as completely as one my wife carried through pregnancy. Older kids need a permanent family just as desperately as a man marooned on the proverbial desert island needs a ride back to civilization.

One of the things I have told my daughters multiple times is that there should not be waiting child lists. Instead, there should be a lottery where thousands of families sign up for a chance to be lucky enough to adopt a kid who has no family. And, I believe that despite the fact that raising these kids is almost unbearably difficult. It is also the most rewarding thing I have ever done and I wouldn't want my life to be any different.