[shecandoit]

I want to thank all the responders thus far. This has been so helpful for me. My husband and I are coming to peace with the knowledge that we cannot predict what will come except wonderfully great times, and incredibly hard times. What we firmly believe is that this will be worth it. There is a boy (at least one!) who needs us and we need him. Thank you for continued responses.

[uwadad]

My wife and i are in the process of adopting a 12 yr old girl,she has anxiety disorder andattachment disorder due to neglect as a younger child. Even though she has these problems we still very much want her. We know that with God's help and therapy, and love and patience that she will be fine. Don't let others scare you away from an older child. So many want the infants and toddlers but the older children are for the most part forgotten as having too much baggage. They need loving homes and families too!!

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by uwadad

My wife and i are in the process of adopting a 12 yr old girl,she has anxiety disorder andattachment disorder due to neglect as a younger child. Even though she has these problems we still very much want her. We know that with God's help and therapy, and love and patience that she will be fine. Don't let others scare you away from an older child. So many want the infants and toddlers but the older children are for the most part forgotten as having too much baggage. They need loving homes and families too!!

Children with attachment disorder may never be "fine". Post on the SPECIAL NEEDS board before going forward with your adoption of this 12 year old. RAD is a serious diagnosis and sometimes (most times) healing never happens and the child never attaches. Love and therapy can cure many things-but attachment issues are a whole 'nother ballgame. There are many parents there who love their children and could never imagine life without them- but..the struggles are not for the faint of heart

I had a four year old with attachment issues. It's harder than you can imagine. As hard as you think it's going to be, it's a billion times harder. Please, before bringing her home, educate yourself on attachment issues.

[Mudpro]

I was in fostercare from age 10 - 18, I am now 52 years old. I know that things have changed a bit since my day, but here is my story and opinion none the less,

I bounced from one foster home to another, including a stint in McKinley's Boy's Home in San Dimas, CA until my last foster family took me in at age 14 years 6 months. This was my last foster home.

I was a healthy kid, no ADHD or anger issues, I hadn't yet gotten into trouble with the law or done any drugs. But I did chronically ditch school and my grades were horrible. The reason, I just didn't care - I couldn't have articulated it at the time, but I was depressed. I felt abandoned, unloved, and I just didn't care much about anything.

I am told that my last foster parents saw a "godness in me" and that is why they chose me to take in. Their reason for being a foster parent was to fill a loss in their lives from the death of their own son, and to find a helper for an aging construction contractor who was semi-retired and wanted an apprentice to teach in the summers and weekends.

The experience for both of us was not without many trials and tribulations associated with teenage years, but; I felt wanted for the first time in my life. I had my own room for the first time I could remember. And I was living in an upper middle class neighborhood whcih reminded me a little of the TV shows Dennis the Menace, Leave It To Beaver and Father Knows Best. I had previously lived in lower icome rough neighborhoods wher gangs, drugs, and fear permeated the streets.

I wanted to stay here and it seemed they wanted me to also. So I worked hard to please them. I attended school regularly, my grades skyrocketed upwards, and as they had planned, I began to learn a trade during summer breaks and weekends. By the time I was 16 1/2, I had earned enough money to buy a 1967 Chevy Impala, by far the coolest car on campus. I graduated early from high school and joined a trade union to begin a formal apprenticeship.

This family never adopted me, but i did them. Shortly after turning 18, I changed my name to theirs. I have been successfully employed for over 30 years at the trade I was taught, and today I am the national director for a pre-apprenticeship program that works with disadvantaged youth.

You ask is it worth it to adopt an older child. My bio parents each went on to have several other children, all of them ended up in fostercare. Two are dead as a result of drugs and one is in jail. The others, well its been hard to keep up with the number of divorces and rehab stories I've heard. What htat family did for this 14 year old boy is nothing short of saving my life. I'd say that is worth it...

[sundara]

For all of us dealing with the wonders and hardships of older child adoption, it is wonderful to hear from someone for whom it all worked out.

One of the earlier posts mentioned that the posting you see here are from those currently experiencing issues, as those with few issues have no reason to look at this part of the forum.

In my case, this is COMPLETELY true!! I did not find this board until about 2 years after everything went kablooie (which was a total of 4 years after I first met my kids, and we are now starting on our 7th year of knowing each other).

I too for the first 3 years told everyone I knew that it was not that hard, that the kids had adjusted well, and everything was working out great. But again as someone earlier in the thread stated, there were signs that I did not understand.

The main truism in my experience is that, when they start trusting you is when you BEGIN to learn about the worst stuff, and is also when you begin to experience a lot of the behaviors. Until then, they are worried you might abandon them, so they stay in anxious state (and are very good at hiding it) for a very long time - which they've become so used to since before they even met you that they do not even realize it's there. UNTIL they start to learn to trust and relax, which then scares them - they are not used to trusting!

Of my 3 kids, one had the worst of it all, and she was the most difficult one to deal with for years. Unfortunately, she manipulated the other 3 for years and it wasn't until she left at age 18 that the others calmed down. We now have what I would call a pretty normal life with vastly fewer ups and downs. It "only" took about 3 years of living hell to get here, but now that we are here, neither DH nor I would ever reverse the decision to adopt.

What I would say is:
1. Learn everything you can about RAD. Try to find a support group for parents of RAD children & listen to them talk about their daily strugges. It's very different to read words than it is to truly witness the struggles. Many foster-adopt kids have some degree of attachment issues/RAD. It just comes out in different ways depending on severity.

2. Find a therapist who (a) REALLY knows about trauma and PTSD and (b) will truly work with you. Someone who works every day in a hospital adolescent ward is a good starting point. Ask if their sessions will include you (they should for at least a few minutes each time, either at beginning or end, if for nothing else to get a synopsis of the week from your perspective)

3. Get all the subsidy and medical insurance (medicaid, etc) you can prior to signing adoption agreement. Medicaid picks up the balance after your private insurance has paid (if you ever have to have hospitalization). This alone has saved us more than $40k in bills.

4. Don't limit yourself to medicaid therapists. Many are overworked. Plan on using private insurance, which is usually limited to ten/twenty visits a year. This may not be enough (my kids go every week, and have for some time).

5. Pay attention to early bonding signs/patterns. The best part is it feels great! But the hard part is, it is probably an attachment disordered behavior. The kids will try hardest to bond to the role that most scares them. (e.g., if bdad is abusive, kid will try harder to bond to ADad and may leave Amom out in the cold). Triangulation/manipulation is a HUGE issue with these kids and they are good at it. If you find there are disagreements/issues (with DH, teachers, family, etc) this is probably going on out of sight but having an impact. Force it to the surface so it dies in the light.

6. Your kids will not be ready to tell you the real story for a long time, and as hard as it is, you'll have to respect this. They have to heal on their timeline.

7. Meet with the schools before you adopt. Some schools are very supportive, some are less so. You'll need to figure this out. If you sense issues, find an education advocate to help you. (If your child already has an IEP in place, this will help a lot).

8. Go on DATES with DH and no kids. Your marriage will need it. No matter the kids behavior. Find adults now who can help with this.

[joskimo]

I"m just bumping this one up, for anyone contemplating an older adoption (me), this is a good read.