[txwannabemom]

Here is the prelim on a child I am hoping to adopt. Would those of you with wiser eyes please help me read between the lines. See any red flags?

She is 12 yrs old. (fyi)

Personal Profile
S is an affectionate girl with a positive attitude towards life. She is very giving and generous with others, especially when they need someone to comfort them. S is sensitive to the needs of others and is always ready to lend a shoulder. Her teachers believe that with the support of a loving and encouraging family, she will succeed academically. This young lady's favorite hobby is working with arts and crafts. She enjoys playing with Barbie and Bratz dolls, and she collects things that are pink.

S's caregivers describe her as affectionate and sensitive to the needs of others. For example, she has a strong desire to comfort those who are sad. S advocates for those she views as "mistreated". She is engaging, cooperative and has an upbeat attitude.

S works hard in school and receives extra educational services for emotional support. She needs extra help with reading and math and does better with much encouragement at home and school. Her teachers believe that she has good academic potential and will excel with some tutoring.

S loves macaroni and cheese, pizza, and hot dogs. She loves all things pink. S enjoys dressing up and shopping for clothing, jewelry and fragrances. She also has an interest in art and music. She prefers arts and crafts to watching TV!


________________________________________
S needs a well-structured and very experienced family who can provide a great deal of one-on-one attention. She will do better as the youngest or only child. She needs a family willing to let her bond with them in her own time. It is very important to S that her thoughts and opinions are valued.
Special Needs -

Developmental Special Needs: Mild
Emotional Special Needs: Mild
Physical Special Needs: None
Medical Special Needs: None

The child with a Mild disability could have one or more of the following conditions:
• Developmental/Learning conditions that are not severe enough to require special education.
• Emotional conditions such as adjustment reactions, situational depression or acting out behaviors.


Thanks so much for your help!!!

[aspenhall]

sounds like she's just working through some issues of grief and loss, she'll likely have some insecurity issues that will be hard to get past.

She sounds like she gives up easily and gets depressed easily to me. It also sounds like she may be a bit parentified in some way. Be prepared for some confusion as to her and your places and roles in a family.

If she "collects things" that could mean she has seperation anxiety, or an obsessive need to hang on to EVERYTHING.

My daughter's addicted to horses....it goes WAY beyond a simple like or hobby. It has gotten better however...

She sounds great to me.

[kretzklan]

I wish I knew enough to have a great answer for you. I wish I had that much "write up" before our kids came home (IA). The only thing that worried me at all was how much they discussed how she would "help or go to" anyone who needed care (not wording it right). Since I'm dealing so obsessively with attachment right now - it just made me think she's is leaning in that direction - reaching out to everyone to received the attention back that she so badly wants. However, a kind child could be open to the love of a family...I don't know! Good luck though - she is definitley worth finding out more (as is any child!)

[lucyjoy]

There are inconsistancies in her paperwork. They make her sound very easy to get along with then ask for an experienced family with structure and that she be an only or youngest child. You need to know why.

Also, her school services are for emotional rather then learning issues. Ask for clarification on that as well.

Needing a family willing to let her bond on her own time bothers me as well(not that bonding doesn't take time) I see this phrase a lot with kids who have previous adoption disruptions and with attachment disordered kids that moved a lot. Ask about her moves-how many and why.

I hope this turns out to be a good placement for your family.

[txwannabemom]

Thank you to all...
She does sound great but like lucyjoy I was seeing the inconsistancy..... I will make sure to ask 50,000 more questions. These CPS people must be sick of me by now!

[Lorraine123]

I would inquire more about the emotional support she receives at school. If she is labeled emotinally disabled by the school, she probably has some very serious acting out behaviors. Schools will not spend extra money unless it is very needed.

Also, it could be RAD based on the bonding statement. Why does she need to be the youngest or only child?

I would find out these things. She may be a great kid.

[momraine]

The only thing I would see is she is probably immature. Most 12 year old girls I know are past the Barbie and Brat stage.

[txwannabemom]

Yeah, She is from the country (not sure that matters) and I live in the "BIG" city.... I think immaturity might work in our favor? Better an immature 12 yr old than an over mature 12 yr old?

[Lorraine123]

Depends on why she is immature. Is it due to developmental delays or mental retardation?

[basimah]

The one thing that struck me was the definition of mild. Her mild developmental issues aren't severe enough for special ed but "extra educational services for emotional support" sounds like special ed to me. So that makes me wary of anything else they say. And her concern over the mistreatment of others might be another way of saying she instigates things which would be a good reason for her to be the youngest or only child.

[CherithMom]

This is going to sound negative, and I am not saying don't go with this child. But, here is my impression, which is what you asked for. Things to watch out for, things to ask about, things to research. The tendency is to sort of fall in love with a photolisting and gloss over anything that could be problematic. I think you have to ask yourself, can I accept the worst case scenerio? Hopefully it will be better than that, but go in with your eyes wide open and be sure you can handle it if it turns out for the worst.

I have a teenager who draws to herself other troubled youngsters, because she likes being in control, likes being the caretaker, loves being in the center of other people's drama. Basically this is because SHE WANTS/NEEDS TO BE IN CHARGE OF HER RELATIONSHIPS and picks very needy people to be friends with. Our home phone operates like a crisis hotline and it is no fun for all the other members of the household. Be prepared for LOTS of drama involving all the troubled "friends" she will be "comforting" and "advocating" for. Because this is mentioned several times I would predict that it has been a very problematic issue at home and at school. On the surface it sounds like a nice quality, but I think this is probably a red flag. Ask lots of questions!

<<S needs a well-structured and very experienced family who can provide a great deal of one-on-one attention. >>
This is always fun. They need experienced families with no other children. lol
This is a nice way of saying this child is going to be very draining and demanding to work with.

<<She will do better as the youngest or only child.>>
Does she have a history of abuse toward younger children?

<< She needs a family willing to let her bond with them in her own time.>>
Red flag for attachment problems.

<< It is very important to S that her thoughts and opinions are valued. >>
They put this in the red flag paragraph, and this is not a statement that is typically in this paragraph. That gives it extra weight IMO. You are going to be walking on eggshells. She takes things very personally. She is overly sensitive. Takes offense easily. She gets upset that you are not listening to her even though you are. May be on the paranoid side. Ask lots of questions about this. What does she do when she feels devalued? Important to know how she acts this out, what she does with these feelings. She may be like my daughter who always has to be right and cannot tolerate anyone disagreeing with her. Imagine how this plays out as I try to instruct her the proper way to dress (with modesty, with matching and appropriate clothing), to complete household tasks, to make wise choices, to behave properly (tell the next door neighbor thank you for the compliment, tell grandma thank you for the gift, don't talk with food in your mouth)....well, it just darn near applies to every parenting situation you can imagine. Does she take offense at instruction by mom? Very important!

Do not count on the academics improving. Maybe they will; that would be great! But, can you live with it if they don't? How important is that to you?

My suspicion is that this child may fall in the mild MR range. Talk to some other parents who have emotionally disturbed young adult kids who fall in the mild MR or low-average range before making a commitment.

Good luck!

[chucklebelly]

Wow - this is so very similar to the write up we received on my daughter. She is also 12 years old, and she was placed with us in July. There is a bit more emphasis on the caregiver aspect of her personality than there was with our "Sparkle", and our daughter is in special ed, but otherwise it could almost be the same profile. And she is the absolute light of our lives.

Sparkle suffered extensive neglect, but not too much direct abuse. The references to wanting parents who could give her a lot of undivided attention were about making up for lost time and giving her the attention she missed out on all those years. She is a sensitive little girl (cries in sad movies, etc), but is not overly so. She is kind and helpful and that is sometimes troublesome at school because she will help other kids with their assignments before she gets hers done. Or she comes to help me with dinner when she is supposed to be doing homework or a different chore.

She is also young for her age, although not immature. By that I mean that she is still interested in kid things, rather than teen things (she loves Bratz and stuffed animals) - she even still believes in Santa and the Tooth Fairy. But she has an age appropriate sense of responsibility and is able to walk herself home from school (about 15 minutes away) etc.

We had normal doubts about whether she was the right child for us after the information sharing - we were concerned about her description as a child with a below average IQ and what that would mean for her future. Ultimately, the thing that helped us decide to go for it was the way that it was clear to us that everyone who met this child adored her and was rooting for her to succeed. This is a child who inspires passionate feelings in everyone around her. Her caseworker, foster parents, teachers, even the psychologist who met her once to do her neruopsych report was smitten with her. So my biggest piece of advice in evaluating a match is to pay attention to how people really in the know (like the foster parents) feel about the child, and don't be afraid to ask them "do you like him/her?"

[joskids]

If I were planning on adopting an older child, I'd definitely ask to speak with the foster parents and teachers. Peer relationships are important - and it looks like her concern for others could be a good thing. If they think she'd do best as an only or youngest child, that may be because she has experienced (or acted out) sexual abuse. How many placements has she had and how long has she been in her current placement. This could tell you a lot about how "likeable" she is, if she has been in her current placement for a while.

[txwannabemom]

Originally Posted by chucklebelly

We had normal doubts about whether she was the right child for us after the information sharing - we were concerned about her description as a child with a below average IQ and what that would mean for her future. "

Thats a consideration I've had to. While I would not deem acdemic success to be of highest importance to me, I do want to parent a child who will one day be able to thrive independently or mostly independently.

I am a Montessori teacher, and have access to private education, at a great school for children who need emotional support. I am hoping that her best interests can be met. Since it will be just the two of us (single mom, no other children) we can avoid what ever it means about needing to be the only or youngest....

I am so gladd that "sparkle" has become such a great part of your family. I was starting to wonder if there were any "good" experiences out there.

[chucklebelly]

It's funny to us now that her IQ (low 70s) was something we were so concerned about, because now it is such a non-issue. Mostly she seems just as bright as can be, it's not until you pay closer attention that you see the things she has trouble with (following complex instructions, breaking a large task down into smaller parts). Reading is an area she struggles with - she's in grade 7 and reads at about a grade 2 level. But she is steadily making progress, and we are confident that by the time she finishes high school she will read at a level high enough to function well in the world. We are fortunate that she loves school, so she is willing to put in the work it will take to improve.

As for whether she will be fully independent as an adult, it's too soon to tell. She will certainly not need the full time care of a group home, but she may need some type of supported independent living where someone checks in on her regularly. Or she may be able to make it on her own with just a little help from her moms. We feel that it is never too early to start working on her future employability, so she and I have been volunteering at our local food bank sorting donations one afternoon a week. Aside from doing something that we can feel good about, it is giving her a bit of work experience that will serve her well in the future. She caught on to this work incredibly fast and is just as good at it as I am, so I am very optimistic about her future.

There are happy stories out there. I know that we are only 6 months in and there may still be challenges for us in the future, but so far we are absolutely delighted with our experience adopting an older child.