[mcfadden5]

We are hopefully near the end of our waiting process for our little girl from Guatemala. She was five when we started and she turned seven today. She speaks very little English and we speak very little Spanish, but we always find a way to communicate. I realize that comging to the states will be a loss of everything she's ever known: birth parents who abandoned her, SIX hogars and a failed adoption with another couple.

We have visited her in the orphanage 6 times in the past year, so we've bonded "there" quite well. I have to admit though, that as the time gets closer, I get more anxious. I have NO doubts that she is to be our daughter, but I thought I'd come here for some tried and true advice.

So, 1. What did you do right when your older child came home?
2. What do you wish your had done differently?

[lucyjoy]

The children I stayed home/kept home with me for the first 6 months or more bonded far better then those who went to school right away.

Spending time one to one all day-playing together, doing chores, cooking all would help

Limiting what is in the child's room in the beginning and adding as the child is ready. My children were overwhelmed and couldn't/didn't take care of their things if there were too many and tended to be more agitated. We kept just a few things in the room-one or two stuffed animals, 2 or 3 books and a couple hotwheels. Everything else was kept in a common play area like the living room or the outside playhouse.

The other big thing was meaning what I say. If I said their room had to be clean or no circus, then we went to a circus anyway-kid's felt like I was a liar. So, I didn't say things that I would not be okay following through on.

Congratulations and I hope you enjoy your new addition.

[momraine]

We did flash cards which really helped the vocabulary. I had him for six weeks in Poland, one on one all day every day. That helped a lot. We also kept him home for two weeks after we got home. I had planned longer, but he was begging to go to school with the other kids and school was a more familiar environment, more similar to the orphanage. He was actually calmer and more willing to spend time with me after he started school, so I think even with the problems we had, I still would have let him go. By that point I think we both needed that break from each other. However, he started a week before Christmas and I was at the school in his class every day that week. Then we had we two weeks off for Christmas. After Christmas we went back but I was still in the school a lot. He had a one on one aid who was an adoptive parent and understood the attachment stuff, though his teacher did not.

I did this year print out a letter all about attachment for the teacher before school this year and wish I had done that the previous years.

I did move him back a grade so that his first year (half year) in shcool he could concentrate on language aquisition and not get behind academically. As a result he is 8 and half and in second grade now. He was eligible for a summer program for ESL his first year, but we did not do it as I wanted him home with me and he was immerssed in English there. I took him to school and picked him every day the first year and a half and was always there volunteering and stuff. I went on every field trip and helped in the classroom etc. I made it a point to let him see me talking frequently to his teachers and aid. I wish we had a found a good attachment therapist earlier. I also wish I had limited what was in his room more.

[joskids]

I agree with everything that Lucy posted. Very good suggestions.

Also, with an older foster daughter we had, she had a lot of anger issues, would tantrum, etc. I didn't yell back. When she was having a bad day, if she had hit another child or such, I would keep her by my side, letting her know that we would work together on appropriate ways to deal with her anger (which I felt was appropriate also, considering her history). Putting a child in their room when you are trying to bond with them, IMHO, is not a good way to go. Making them your shadow lets them know that you care, that you are working thru it together, that you are a "family."

[Lorraine123]

What I did right - Loved her unconditionally.

What I wish I had done differently - Accepted that she had serious disorders and learned how to deal with them instead of living in denial.

[mcfadden5]

These are great suggestions; thanks! Anyone else?

[aspenhall]

I agree with all of the above.....

I was right to stick to my guns and show massive involvement with my child's teachers etc...(I also kept her home from pre-school)

Be HIGHLY visable, and have EVERYONE defer to you, if she asks them to meet her needs in ANY WAY.....their only response is, let's go ask your mom and see what she thinks.

No one else should meet her needs but you. No babysitters for the first few years at all! If you need a break, have an older playmate come to your house while you're there.

Don't say anything unless you're prepared to mean it. Get mental help for YOURSELF as well. Understand that you may not see her true character until weeks or months later. Don't give her everything she wants, even if you can afford it and she's well behaved. Approach her the way you would if you were raising an alien....because your way of life will be completely foreign to her....expect her to try to push you into the way she's used to things happening. Be an EXACT social example. If society won't put up with a behavior, you shouldn't either. Just because she's had a hard life, doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to create the tools she'll need later on.

Attachment is paramount, until she is securely attaching with you, nothing else will matter, or will work out.

The parent she needs may be quiite different than the parent you'll want to be, or your spouse wants to be. Be prepared to be who she needs, not what's most comfortable for you.

[crick]

I wish I had spent more time just playing with them and not so much on teaching in the beginning. Yes, we have to teach and yet I believe a lot more of our bonding came through playing, cuddling, doing fun activities etc. and there is time to teach.

I did stay home and we did delay school.

I informed my family/close friends ahead of time that we would be cocooning as a family and to please not stop by. I actually had a brunch with them beforehand and explained about attachment etc. so they would understand how important it was. I did not introduce them to anyone for a month and then after that month I slowly introduced people over time, and not in a big gathering.

I kept items of comfort they had in the foster home and allowed them to keep them as long as they needed to.

I introduced structure and a daily routine as much as possible from the start. I talked to the foster mom about their routine and used the routine they were already comfortable with and added new steps as they got more comfortable. (I wish I'd asked more details on how they went to bed though as that was an issue in the beginning. I didn't know that our youngest never actually went to bed but had a bedtime snack in his highchair and fell asleep there. They put him to bed while he was asleep.)

I didn't have a language barrier, but a friend of ours mentioned this that might be helpful to you. She played Russian music for her ds when he came home at bedtime to give him familiar sounds/language.

I'll try to think of more...

[momraine]

I wish I had trusted myself sooner and realized that what worked for other people's kids might not work for mine. My child's attachment was worse if he heard his native language, it just made him want to go back and not accept his new life. Time in a rocking chair and time reading books was good, though I ended up bruised often. For him, having been raised in orphanges school was comforting and it helped his language as well. However, you have to prepare the teachers for possible triangulation and attachment issues. I also had to learn not to take it personally when he pushed me away or was angry with me. I just kept reminding him that I loved him anyway and that I would love him no matter what. I have had him two years now and he is just now attaching. We are just now to the point where I think it would bother him to go live with someone else. He puts it as he is used to me. His grandfather died last week and he actually showed real emotion. He loved his grandfather and that was a good thing. He was able to attach to his dad and grandfather first. I was the last one he wanted to attach to.

[kretzklan]

Things that worked: Full English immersion - we spoke only English and they learned very quickly. I also used flashcards and phonics strategies. STRUCTURE! We had a routine that we stuck to hard core for the first 3 months, loosened a bit for the next three - but still to this day have the skeleton.
What didn't work: We did not do attachment parenting long enough. My kiddos manipulative skills worked on ME the most. I believed they were adjusted and folks kept telling me how adjusted they were and well...you want to believe it. I shouldn't have. Learn attachment parenting techniques and use them from day one.

It is great if you can cocoon - but that was not a possibility for us. They went to school after a few weeks home and we had to keep living our lives as we had another child in the home. Would I change that now? No, because it was helping me keep my sanity as well...however, had I kept up with attachment parenting for LONGER (more than the 6 months I did it)...I don't think our get out and go lifestyle would be a blame factor in this mess we have now.

ETA: Be an advocate for yourself...that is hard. If you know something is wrong - don't question yourself!

[mcfadden5]

I am taking all of this to heart. Anyone else? I think I may find myself on this forum more than any other one.

[TxMom65]

What did I do right? I feel like the being on schedule as much as possible, being the one to provide for her, being by her side during almost every waking hour for the first few months....I think this helped.

What I did wrong? I was too impatient. I expected results too soon and took things personally even though I knew not to do so.

[KarynB]

Congrats on almost bringing your daughter home after such a long process. How exciting!

Ok, here it goes.

What I did right - almost nothing. Ok, yes, I loved him dearly but man was I in denial!!!!

What I did wrong - oh so many things.

Assumed he would have no attachment issues because he knew us from visits, etc. Attachment has little to do with that, and in fact us getting close to him and then leaving may have made his trust issues with us even worse. I wish I had of parented him assuming he had issues, and then went from there.

Parented him the "same" as bio DD - as in I valued independence, think he will be at the same level developmentally at the same age, gave time outs for "tanturms" which I now know were him grieving, etc. Um, yeah. Not a great idea.

Thought because we lived in Canada there would be no race issues. Ok, stop laughing at me. Next.

Let him meet all of our family at the same time. I said, STOP laughing. Next.

Moved across the country 4 days after we brought him home. Ok, so all of you are now thinking "How dumb was this chick?". Very dumb. Let's just say it's been a steep learning curve.

Buy books, get therapists, doctors etc set up BEFORE you come home - you may not be thinking straight once you do.

By yourself a ten time pass to a yoga studio or whatever else floats your boat - you will need some time for you. Like, REALLY need some time for you. Be honest with your feelings and find a friend who will listen and NOT judge - you may need that at some point. Read "Post-adoption Blues" just in case.

Good luck!!!!!!

[Lylac]

Hmm What i did right..

I took one day at a time..not worrying about tomorrow, next week or even next month.

I kept my kids home with me all day/all week.
Lots of snuggle time and tons of one on one playing.

What I did wrong? Would it be crazy of me to say..nothing. My kids are well adjusted, but I didn't have to deal with attachment issues either.

[KarynB]

Originally Posted by Lylac

Hmm What i did right..

I took one day at a time..not worrying about tomorrow, next week or even next month.

I kept my kids home with me all day/all week.
Lots of snuggle time and tons of one on one playing.

What I did wrong? Would it be crazy of me to say..nothing. My kids are well adjusted, but I didn't have to deal with attachment issues either.

LOL - Looks like you are the yin to my yang!