[mrsred]

What I did right: I loved them, with all my heart from the moment I met them.

What I did wrong: I expected them to love me back.

[mommytoEli]

i'll tell you what i did wrong. i intended to take them to my school where i worked, but it was full....so when they had to go to the school they were zoned for, i ran into daycare issues...so every morning for 5 months i dropped them off at another foster family's home for an hour each day. ugh...if only i could go back in time. i learned the hard way that NO one....NO ONE...should care for these children in that first six months. every single need needs to be provided by a parent....every need.....if you are at a party, only you can hand that child a snack. if they fall down, only you can get the bandaid. no one hugs that kid, no one touches that kid for a good six months. because i was not aware of these "rules," things were pretty crappy for a long time...like 4 years a long time....we finally made a TON of progress when i homeschooled them both for a year.

what i did right- homeschooled them both for a year...i kick myself for not doing it sooner though!

i agree with mrs. red....i expected them to love me back. they didn't.....they don't now. and i had to become okay with that. things are much much better now that i do not expect love and affection in return. i mean it...they don't hug kiss, say i love you, sometimes there is not even a friendly smile. but as long as they say thank you, i feel like we are doing ok.

the biggest mistake i made, however, was keeping everything to myself. at first i shared a few AWFUL things that had happend in our home( behavior wise) and i got so sick of people making comments trying to tell me what they were doing was normal...that i shut up. and i should not have. i spent so much time internalizing everything that went wrong in my house, that it nearly drove me crazy...like i actually went out on stress leave and my doctor told me to disrupt the adoption. it was so awful. i learned that i needed to share what was happening, our family needed to know what crazy things were going on, our friends needed to know, maybe not every detail, but that things were not great. i needed to find someone else who had done it before me to walk me through the tough times. and most of all, i needed to give myself permission to be a failure...to allow myself to try things that might not work, in order to find what would, without feeling like a total loser.

[mcfadden5]

Thank you all for sharing. I hear a lot of pain and I appreciate your honesty. I would like to believe that we will live a fairy-tale life, but for what my daughter has been through in her short little life, I know that's not reality. I'm praying for the best though and I'm listening to your stories, and taking to heart those things that you've said. Thank you.

[CherithMom]

What I did wrong:
Assumed that my friendly neighborhood pediatrician would know ANYTHING about diseases in a developing country on another continent. Get your child assessed at an international adoption clinic as soon as you get home. My ped missed an active case of TB!!! Don't mess around with this! After she is healthy you can go back to your neighborhood doc.

Thought my new child would enjoy or appreciate anything we did. She would pout and act nasty when we took her to get ice cream. Just assume she won't like anything you do for her.

Gave in to the immense social pressure and let her be loved on and "nurtured" by all kinds of people. I found trying to fight this to be like holding back the tide. For one thing my spouse did not get where I was coming from about anything related to attachment. He didn't want to hear it before we left (why borrow trouble, when we don't know if she will have this?) or after she got her home (she's great, but mom's gone nuts). Have lots of discussions with hubby BEFORE bringing your daughter home and be sure that you two can present a united front. My hubby finally came to his senses, and said he would take my side in any disagreement between dd and me, but until that time (6 months after she arrived) it was an absolute nightmare and dd was plotting my demise.

Cared what her teacher(s) thought. This enabled a lot of triangulation.

What I did right:
Very structured routine, the same everyday. Predictability makes her feel safe.

Did not allow any tv except PBS Kids. My first idea was no tv..period. But that did not work. She had her own ideas and I learned quickly I had to pick my battles. Also, sometimes I just needed a break from her constant picking at me and chattering. The first year her goal in life was to drive me crazy & get me out of the way so she could have daddy to herself, and she nearly succeeded on both counts.

Took her to the playground every single day for at least an hour to run off all that energy. The exercise and sensory stimulation was very helpful in helping her to cope, helped with her sleep issues and minimized a number of behavior problems.

Let her eat healthy foods as much as she wanted, whenever she wanted, as long as it was in the kitchen or outside. She grew 10 inches her first year home!

Nurtured a friendship between her and a younger girl who lived down the street. What I wish I had done more of: Supervised this relationship more closely, because the younger girl may not have always been safe and it took me a while to realize that.

[kretzklan]

I continue to think of you and I think you are leaving very soon...
I want to emphasize what others have said. Get help for yourself...REALLY. It's very polarizing to live with AD (I certainly hope it's not a problem for you...but you should parent as though it will be at the beginning). You can feel crazy and if your DH starts to think you're crazy - WOW - it can feel so alone. I do think that we've been on the verge of divorce a couple of times. If you aren't leaving right away try to set up an appointment with an Attachment therapist or even an IA clinic therapist. Just let your DH and yourself hear about the signs and what can happen...and be open to it.
Someone above mentioned expectations also - mine are still too high...and that can make it harder.

[momraine]

Also keep posting here and on the spcecial needs boards just above here. It can make you feel normal when everyone else thinks you are crazy. It helps to simply know you are not alone!

[rjvpmn]

I Think I Agree Spend As Much Time Together.. It Isnt The Teaching As Much As The Closeness And Just Being With Each Other. Our Daughter Didnt Want To Speak Spanish She Wanted To Learn English. She Wanted To Be Just Like Us.

One Thing I Learned I Had To Do Was Slowly Take Some Time Away For Me And Show Her I Would Return. It Was Hard But Just Running To The Store And Returning Made Her Realize Mom Does Come Back. That Way She Attached To Her Dad Too.. Otherwise She Always Wanted Me..

Fix Her Hair.. Paint Her Nails All That Fun Stuff.

There Will Be Days That Are Hard For Both Of You And That Is Ok.. Just Keep Going. Love Love Love. And If You Think You Need Help Do Get It.
Also Accept The Fact She Has Memories And The Person She Is Now Is From What She Has Experienced.

Best Of Luck

[mcfadden5]

These have been a big help. Thanks everyone, and Merry Christmas!