[RobinLee73]

My fiance and I are in the process of preparing for Foster-Adopt. Both of us have been in a step parenting role before.

My experience as a step parent (though my relationships with the children was good) was very challenging and involved the state child walfare services because the children were coming from neglect situations.

At the time I had little resources to help me, and unfortunately was the only well-functioning adult in the situation.

Long story-short, I know several counties in Ohio/DCS and GAL situations and dependancy case realities.

This has not discouraged me from wanting to foster-adopt and even possibly an older child.

I have researched and interfaced with several agencies county & private and am leaning strongly towards the private agencies. One in particular is looking for a home for a chi8ld in particular that really caught my heart.

I know that I have a long process to go through, and much to learn even though I have some experience.

I feel that considering the adoption of an older child may be a good fit for us for a number of reasons.

We both work, though both have a lot of flexibility in our schedules. My fiance is very good with and very comfortable with children older than toddler age, though he is willing to learn and emrace the possibility of a small child or baby.

We feel that we should look only to foster/adopt one child. We have found browsing child profiles that placement agencies are looking for one child homes for many of the older children. Do any of you have an idea why this is common above and beyond the obvious in cases of past sexual abuse.

We feel that we can offer individualized attention to one child, and can cencentrate on the progress of just one child rather than trying to take on a sibling group or more than one child.

Do any of you ahve experience with fostering or adopting an older child. When I say older I am talking more about middle school age or older.

Also, we are finding that some of these children are in group homes. Do any of you know of any resources I can look to for more information on these kids? I am sure there may be specific behoaviors or challenges a child that has been in a group home may face when they transition into a home where they are the only child.

As I said we are still in training and most likely will not even begin our home study until close to the Holidays, but are seeking input from others as much as possible.

Thanks!

[kretzklan]

I don't have experience with foster-adopt or children quite as old as you are discussing...but I would read, read, read. Read up on attachment disorder(RAD), ADHD, bi-polar, depression...all things that can cause the behavior disorders in older children. Read up on raising a child with neglect and abuse in their background. Discuss, discuss, discuss - we went in with a rosy attitude of sorts. It's been hard to really live the day to day with an older child that brought problems and troubles with them. Be prepared for a child who mentally is much younger than their bio age, but who can act much older in sexual behaviors and drug type interaction. Just know ahead of time what structure you will have and who will be with the child when...
Good luck - my heart is with all the older children and I hope that you find that it works out to give one of them a loving home!

[momraine]

I also did not do foster to adopt. I would suggest going to the main special needs board and reading there, it gets more traffic than this one and many there adopted older children, many though foster. Also maybe visit the foster parents boards and read. From what I hear the classes don't adequetly prepare you for adoption and when you get a child you don't always have the full information, sometimes the social workers just don't know the full story and some (only a few I hope) actually lie to get a child placed. You will have to take precautions to keep you and your fiance from getting accused of stuff. The older kids have learned that they can accuse parents of stuff and be beleived. Good luck!

[RobinLee73]

I appreciate all the responses, and I will certianly check out the forums you suggest.

I am seeing now, the classes thought necessary are only going to offer so much. As I had stated, I had been in the step parenting position however it was not traditional. I was married to a man who got custody based on an amiable a greement with his son;s mother, who I also get along with to this day. The boy, "J" had known me for a very long time and had lived with us, prior. He was closer to me, and had always known his father. His father received a ltter one day, I found by mistake (husband did not want me to find it, I came to find later), regarding a paternity for a young lady who was 14. I was told he never knew about her, and beleived it. The young lady and her 4 siblings were being removed from her mother and it it was not the first time. "B", the daughter desparately wanted to know her father. Her grandmother helkped her to locate us, and as the child was going to become a ward of the state, my husband agreed to have her come live with us.

Because she had so many siblings (2 other fathers) (same with little "J"'s mom, BTW) we were encouraged and did, work with another father in this situation so that "B"'s siblings could visit. This meant I was dealing with visits in my home with all these children. I had the help of some very invovled counselors and GAL's, however these children were in crisis and the behavoiral issues were astounding. I understand what you mean by a child acting younger than their years but desiring to part take in not so great adult acitivities, temper tantrums that make the little girl on Excorcist seem quite tame, and developmental issues. These kids were not being protected from the maternal relationship and materinal grandmother thought it was clear to all, this is where the damage stemmed from, the most.

B is an adult, now. well, a whopping 18, and is going to be a mom, herself. She and I still talk and she still feels very attached to me. Now that she is older, she has wnated to reachout and explain to me how things were for her and how she was understanding things at 14, 15,16, etc. This really helps her to talk to me and helps me to understand. What matters now, is the fact the ones I got to be close with and care for still love me, and still feel that I was a pillar of hope and love for them though I have had no contact with the father, now almost 2 years.

I explained to my fiance that I feel the classes are necessary and reading 100 books will help, but now that I see all these resources, RAD, ADHD, and other issues make much more sense to me in definition now that I have something real to reflect upon. There is no class, or no book that is going to do much more than allow me soem initial understanding of an issue.

I feel that working with other parents that have had to deal with all these things is the richest source of information. I have dealt with county workers. SOme had no business doing what they do, and others were trying hard for these kids and barred by litigation procedures that were more focused on law than the children and their desparate individual needs.

If you , any of you, know of specific titles, articles, authors that ahve materials out there you feel would be helpful, please let me know.

[MilehighDad]

Specific title, "Three Little Words", by Ashley Rhodes-Courter. Gives a GREAT understanding for what it is like to grow up being moved from foster home to foster home. Also, "Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control" by Heather Forbes and Bryan Post. Gives tools and understanding for helping severely traumatized kids.

It actually sounds like you have a great deal of experience facing the issues you will see if you adopt older foster kids. If you are still sane and deliberately want to get in that situation again, you must have handled it very well. Be sure that your fiancee understands how hard it will be, I particularly recommend that he reads "Three Little Words."

I think it is awesome when anyone wants to take on older foster kids. Many times the biggest reason for wanting to place kids solo is because they have been a threat to other kids in the home. The threat can be sexual in nature or more commonly violence. This is sad, scary, and makes such children very hard to place, so they often make recruitment lists and websites for adoption. I also think the label also can follow them longer than is really fair, but possible violence and abuse is handled very carefully. They are still just kids that need someone to love them and raise them and you shouldn't assume that needing to be an only child is a permanent affliction.

Regardless, I hope you continue on the path forward, because it sounds like you have much to offer to children who need you. Good luck.

[AmyAnne]

I did Foster to Adopt. My son was 7 at the time of placement and is now 11. I will not be near a computer for a few day but feel free to PM me if you have any questions.