[joskimo]

We just received a pre-adoptive foster placement, the girl is just a sweet-pea and we're so happy. She is 20 months. My older daughter is 2 years older, nearly 4. She has ADHD and is having a hard time with the placement (just since last Wednesday). She's jealous. I feel like she's trying, but it's hard to share her toys and share her presents. She is also adopted, but at birth so there was no transition period. Any advice?

[momraine]

it takes time. Make sure that you find some one on one time with your big girl. Also maybe put a few of her special toys away somewhere out of reach of her new little sister. This will help her realize she is not loosing out on or having to share everything. Also thank her and give her hugs when she does good big sister things. She can teach the younger one new skills and maybe even help her with some things.

[katie52]

This must be really hard. We had a long time to prepare our oldest when the new one was coming home. It must be really hard when it is sprung on them more quickly.

Our son was 4 when we adopted his baby sister,and as much as he loved her, he really hated it when she messed with his toys. Toys are a really big deal for a 4 yr old. Imagine how you'd feel if someone suddenly went through your purse and your jewelry drawer, taking everything out and throwing it all around.

I just remember that the ONE major thing that helped our son really bond, was the feeling that he was in the role of big brother and protector. We made a big deal of the fact that we needed his help to keep his new sister safe, because she was little and he was big and so much smarter. One day he came running to tell me she was eating a penny, and we went and got it out of her mouth. --she was about 9 months old, so he was SOOOOO proud of himself, and his job as a big brother

So maybe if you could really highlight the differences between the 2 girls, the older being the indispensable
big sister, who is so important now that she has someone little to care for, it will help her feel less competitive, and more sympathetic.

[momraine]

If it makes you feel any better my husband was just reminding me of the trouble our oldest had when our second was born. They were both bio. We had tried so hard to prepare my older son and he seemed excited until the baby arrived. Then he wanted nothing to do with him. Every time someone left he would say "bye bye baby" in hopes that the baby was leaving with them. LOL. He refused to look at him. I have a picture that makes me laugh everytime see it, because I remember so vividly taking it. My big boy fell asleep watching a video, so quickly I grabbed the baby and put him down beside beside my sleeping son and snapped a picture. I remember thinking at the time it might be the only picture I would get of them together. However, a few months later they were best friends. They are 13 and 15 now and very close.

[joskimo]

thanks - our older daughter has ADHD, fairlly severe - so she is used to a lot of one on one. She takes time to adjust to all new situations, but it's still so frustrating. The fost-adopt baby is 20 months and just the sweetest thing - frankly we were more concerned with the new one then the one we had. I feel silly for being so ill-prepared.

[momraine]

It gets all of us by surprise. We expect our child to be as excited by a new sibling as we are. Someone put it to me once like this. "How would you like it if your husband brought home a second wife and expected you to be excited". ( I think at the time I made a wisecrack about whether or not she did housework and cooked, LOL)
I think if you can make certain toys special for your older girl and also find special time for you and her and also make a big deal about her big sister roll and the things she can do that the baby can't. A friend of mine who had a child with pretty severe ADHD said she got her son to dance for his new little sister. She would put on fun music and put the baby in a seat to watch big brother dance and even sing. She was usually folding laundry or something during this time. The baby was actually entertained by the wild antics of the big brother and big brother got to use up a little of his energy (I had him in Sunday school and that child had so much energery!) He was proud that he could entertain his sister and make her laugh.

[joskimo]

One day this week I took fbaby to my daughter's daycare and my daughter was thrilled to show her off. Made all the adults come look, wouldn't let any of the kids touch her. It's been 2 weeks now and this was a real vision of "big sister" behavior.

[Tuppy]

We brought home two children from Vietnam when our son was 2 years old (he actually celebrated his BD in Vietnam when we went to get them). Our new daughter was 17 mos old and our new son was 4.5, so our bio son was now a middle child who was used to being adored everyone.

His solution was to totally ignore our new kids for six months! Sort of like if I don't acknowlege them they aren't here. right? LOL

Then one day, six months later, he realized they were fun to play with.

The boys are now joined at the hip and all three kids are very close to one another.

Its funny to think back to that time period.