[Justhavfaith]

I'm on a role today - this is my second question within a few hours.

As I read more, I see that the majority of opinions is that you should not adopt out of birth order. I personally also know of two examples where people successfully did this.

So is this a general rule or are there specific reasons other than the obvious control issues that I am not thinking of or researching enough? Also, does a larger gap in age actually ease some of the tension or would it be worse. I know that I could get a number of different opinions on this one but, wanted to throw it out there.

Thank you,

[jbee]

we adopted in order, but it just happened that way.
i know we have older f kids, our oldest bio is 5 and the fs are 17 and 18, we've had a 15yo fd too. i think if they are so far apart it may be ok.
our girls and son don't feel competition from the older fs. i think if they were the same age it may not be so. but i don't know. i think we would be open to adopting out of order.

[PabloandCarlosMama]

I haven't adopted out of birth order, but I do know that there can also be safety concerns with bringing in older children when you have younger ones already in the home. If I were considering this option, I would ask many questions about the background of the older child and his or her ability to attach. Often they can be violent, and your younger child could be vulnerable unless there is proper supervision.

Some families have had success, and it all depends on the people and circumstances.

I adopted from Guatemala, too. Welcome to this board.

[CaddoRose]

For us the decision is based on the age of our DD who is 11 now. If we had decided to do it when she was under 5, it won't have been an issue. We know our family dynamic very well and feel that fostering/adopting a child close to her age or older wouldn't benefit anyone involved.

[Kansas Girl]

I'm not an "oldest" child but I believe it is important to preserve the "rights and privileges" of being the oldest child. Despite what parents say about treating all siblings fairly, I still say there is something important about being the firstborn and that shouldn't ever be tampered with....a firstborn child shouldn't ever have that taken away from them,especially if the firstborn is a bio child.

As PabloandCarlos Mama mentioned there could be safety concerns in bringing in a child older than the other siblings already in the home. Also, what kind of role model would that older sibling be for the younger children? What effect would the older child's behavior have on the younger kids?

Fran

[ocracoke]

I adopted my only child (she was 21 months when she came home). And I so want to adopt another child. However, based on my daughter's personality and her behaviors and based on my desire not to have another "baby" I really think that a child older then my current child will work best. Experts will say that there are more adoption disruption with out of birth order adoptions. Is that because it is out of birth order? Or an older child? Or something else? I don't know. I assume that my next adoption will have a harder adjustment then my first -- my first was easy. But I also think I will buck the experts and do what I believe is best for my family. It is important that you know your children and look for a child that will fit into your family.

Samantha

[Adoption_Ally]

I gotta ask this question to everyone considering adopting out of birth order. What number child are/were you?

I am a first-born, and without exception, all the first-born (eldest) adults I know would have been incensed, furious, enraged, irate, livid, riled, and generally NOT happy if anyone had come into our home and dispaced our position in any way. I can almost always tell when another adult is a first-born. There is just a certain way we interact with the world.

So - when people say that they've done it and it worked out fine, I'd really love to talk to the once-oldest who wasn't any longer when they become an adult.

[marythemom]

My husband and I are both the oldest child. When we decided to adopt we had 2 biochildren ds age 18mo. and dd age 4yr. We wanted to adopt a sibling group of 3. We were thinking of how well our nieces and nephew (ages 5, 8 and 9) fit into the family and so we planned to adopt children somewhere around 7-8, 4-6, and 0-2yr. We were told we couldn't adopt out of birth order - that would have made 5 kids 5 and under. We were forced to wait.

At age 10 our daughter was dying for the adopted siblings we had been talking about for years. Very complicated story how we came to be considered for 2 children older than our oldest child (dd 11 and ds 13 yr). Our daughter was fine with it. She and the 11 yr. old girl got along great (at first meeting) and although they were in the same grade in school and our new daughter was in special ed. We were told there would be no competition because our new dd hated school and wouldn't care if "little" sis was doing very well.

Within 2 weeks of the new kids moving in we discovered BIG issues. "Little" sis was much more mature, smarter, and physically bigger. Both girls were incredibly jealous of the other and vying for superiority. The girls were in the same room because we were told new daughter had never had her own room and would be scared. After separating them things calmed down... a little. Bio dd has had to adjust to her older sister being much less mature. New dd has had to adjust to "little" sis being able to do things she wasn't ready for yet (sleepovers being a big one).

New older son was not a problem for bio dd. Maybe the gender difference made that less of an issue or the age gap. He was however a huge problem for the whole family because he was aggressive, intimidating, cussed, broke things, and generally was so scary that the kids were afraid of him, and I wasn't much better. Now that he's gotten a proper diagnosis and is better medicated things are going more smoothly, but I know we were actually lucky. We found out almost a year AFTER he'd been sharing a room with our 9 year old son that he'd been sexually abused by men and older boys. While our younger son is afraid of him, at least he wasn't molested.

Older children have a LOT of issues. Exposing young children to them can be dangerous. Our situation is slowly working itself out, but I would not adopt out of birth order in this situation if I'd known then what I know now.

Mary
mom to bioson T(9) and bio daughter K(almost 12)
finalized on H(13) and hope to finalize on D(almost 15) this summer.

If "that which does not kill us makes us stronger..." just call me Superwoman!

[Justhavfaith]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I thought that I may get some differing opinions on this one but, I wanted to hear your various reasons for your opinions.

To answer a question posted - - I am an oldest child.

Another point is that my son is now 2 1/2 and we were considering a child of about 5 or 6. I think that reading between the lines, the biggest issues would be security for my current son and influence from the older child who may have been exposed to elements that my son hasn't. I should also mention that even though my son was adopted at the age of one. We have had to deal with many attachment related issues and are still learning daily how to best deal with things. In my opinion, there is no easy way to be a parent - - it is HARD work.

I think that our next step will be to read some of the books posted out here as reference and then reevaluate our families readiness to take on such an awesome responsibility at this time.

Thanks again

[ocracoke]

Originally Posted by Adoption_Ally

I gotta ask this question to everyone considering adopting out of birth order. What number child are/were you?

I am a first-born, and without exception, all the first-born (eldest) adults I know would have been incensed, furious, enraged, irate, livid, riled, and generally NOT happy if anyone had come into our home and dispaced our position in any way. I can almost always tell when another adult is a first-born. There is just a certain way we interact with the world.

So - when people say that they've done it and it worked out fine, I'd really love to talk to the once-oldest who wasn't any longer when they become an adult.

I did think about this. My sister that I was adopted with was the second born child (out of 7) in our biological family but when she was adopted she became the oldest child in our adopted family. I was the 3rd born child in our biological family and when we were adopted I became the youngest in our family. So she went from middle to oldest and I went from middle to youngest. In reality, looking at our personalities and behaviors growing up I was more like the oldest child in the family and she was more like the youngest child in the family (as assessed by most of my family members). So maybe that is why I am so willing to look at out of birth order. I KNOW in my heart that my current daughter will do so much better if she remains an only child (and I do think that her being an only child is second option) or the youngest child based on her personality and behaviors. And if I adopt out of birth order I will be looking for a child that would be best suited to be the oldest child in the family. While I don't think this is necessarily the norm for every family I do think it is what is right for mine.

Samantha

[mrsred]

Samantha, I admire you for knowing what is best for your daughter.
When we decided to adopt we knew we wanted our bio son to retain his oldest child status (by the way, I am middle of five and dh is youngest of three). Ds was only 3 when we decided we wanted to adopt a waiting child from the foster system, so we waited another five years to begin the process.
Our first adoption was 3 1/2 years younger than bio son. When we were then looking to adopted a girl we knew we wanted to keep J as the oldest and E as the youngest. Our daughter is only 5 months younger than J, but mentally, emotionally and even physically the age difference seems much greater.
Maye if we has kept E as the youngest rather than trying to adopt one younger than him our fourth try wouldn't have failed.

[Debralous]

You need to know your child and take this on a case by case...there are no absolutes in adoption. Our Bio DD (our only) is 4 and she absolutely wants an older brother, not a baby brother. All her cousins are at least 5 years older and she is in daycare with old children as well; this is well within her comfort zone.

I also think it's a matter of being willing to wait longer and say 'no' to a match that will not be a good fit. We have been very fortunate to be with an agency who is SO committed to making the RIGHT match, not just ANY match. I know not everyone has that experience.

I don't give much credance to "birth order" being an absolute nor to those who say don't adopt at all with a young child already in the house. These are issues to educate yourself about and be aware of but in my opinion, no different than all the vast number of other issues surrounding adopting an older child.

Just my 2 cents.

Debra

[Sheriv]

I have not read the concensus but the one thing I would recommend is that any adoptive children currently living in the home be accustomed to the family dynamics and have their relationship pretty well established or at least any severe attachment issues ruled out.

I did it out of order so to speak where my bio daughter became a middle child and the only girl w/one sibling at home, but she was/is secure in her place in the family and not adopted, however my youngest son (adopted) the change aggravates his RAD.

SSV

[Laire]

I have not yet adopted my two children, but just wanted to put in my two cents, that when I was growing up I was an oldest child. I have a younger sister (3 years younger) and a younger brother (9 years younger) and my sister and I both REALLY wanted our parents to adopt an older boy into the house when we were young. We always wanted to have a "big brother". Even now that I am an adult, looking back, I would have loved to give up my oldest child status to have a big brother. They never did it mind you, but just pointing out that I would not have minded at all.

[marythemom]

My biological daughter was gung ho about having older siblings. Until the reality set in. Having a big brother who scares you and a big sister who hurts you was not what she signed up for. She is now almost 5'7" and our adopted daughter is not 5'4", but fingernails are a great equalizer.

The relationship the girls started during the initial meeting and even during the honeymoon period did not last. Now 1 1/2 years later, the girls have finally gotten to the point where they play together and get along most of the time, but sometimes biodd still complains about not being the oldest anymore.

For me the birth order wasn't as important as keeping my children safe, and that was very difficult with older children.

Mary
mom to T(9), K(almost 12), H(13) -finalized 3/27/08! and D(almost 15) - hoping to finalize this summer.