[bettynme]

Anyone with experience please respond. We have been combing over psychologist reports and school records of a potential placement. In addition we have been doing alot of reading regarding adopting older children and some of the unique challenges their new families face. I hope I am reading too much into it but I have noticed some little things that caught my eye. There is a diagnosis of ADHD and impulsivity.
*The child has a tendency to break toys and possessions(removing wheels from cars and trucks)
*He has been known to urinate in his room. (our info is that this was rare and hasn't happened recently
*He has temper tantrums at times
*Reported aggression amongst siblings
FM reports he has bonded with her, doing things with her and her husband. He reportedly has a great report with his play therapist and looks forward to her visits. He reports missing his siblings.

I think I need to stop researching so much...Anyone with experience please share your thoughts.... We are scheduled to meet him soon...Anything we should look for ? Wouldn't a diagnosis of attachment problems show up on evaluations or no? My head is spinning.

[lucyjoy]

Well, when you meet him, if he runs up and wants to call you mom-run.

How old is this child? Taking wheels off trucks isn't the same as destroying toys-however, many of my attachment disordered kids destroyed all toys.

Temper tantrums if he is a toddler are fine, if not, you need more info. Often, when tantrum was listed in one of my kids reports, what they really meant was raging and believe me, there is a difference.

Aggression-again, if he's little, he may need more language or teaching. If he's school age, I'd be concerned. The term is broad. Does he argue and sometimes push, or does he threaten to stab them-both would simply be listed as aggression.

RAD/AD is often misdiagnosed as ADHD in foster kids. The hypervigilience that is part of a RAD/AD kids survival looks like hyperactivity. What you want to know is if the medication for ADHD stops these symptoms or not. If the meds settle him down, then the diagnosis is probably right, if not, might need to take another look to see if it is something else.

Another question to ask-if he is bonded to fmom, why isn't she adopting? (She may be foster only which is fine but you need to know the reason just in case it's something behavioral).

IF the child is TRUELY attached to foster mom, then he can still have attachment issues but not attachment disorder. Kids with issues only tend to have a good chance of healing and doing well in families.

Things to look out for is multiple moves, hospitalizations etc. Fmom can often be the best source of information IF you are able to talk to her.

Urinating in inappropriate places occurs for a variety of different reasons. How long do they consider a long time for it not being an issue?

I am not a fan of play therapy(though theraplay has value). I would want the child evaluated by a psychologist familiar with adoption and attachment if the state/agency would allow it. You'll get a clearer picture of what is going on.

In my opinion, any older child will have some attachment issues-they had life and losses before you. Many can be overcome with time. Kids with more serious issues will need trauma and attachment therapy.

[bettynme]

Thanks lucyjoy,
We were able to talk to the FM for almost 2hrs one evening. I found her number on an IEP report. He has been with her a yr and a half, Some of your questions...
The young man is 8yrs old.
He has been known to karate chop, push and hit siblings both foster and bio.
He has had multiple moves.
The FM is running a theraputic foster home. She works with therapists to help the kids prepare for the prospect of adoption. There are five children in the home and she says although there are altercations at times. No fits or severe aggression. He gets along and is happy. He likes to spend time with her in the garden and doing things around the house.
His medication works for him, and FM says can definitely tell when he doesn't take it.
She reports that he wants to be the center of attention, he aims to please and reacts very well to positive reinforcement. He must earn all tv computer and toy time. He has a very rigid schedule and does well with it.
From our conversation, I gather that he likes to remove the wheels from his cars and can break a remote control car in a day. He has been through enough disruption and we just want to be sure we can provide the support, services, time and love he will need to heal. we don't want to add to his losses. Anyway thanks for the feedback and the ear.....

[aspenhall]

Sounds like he may not be full blown RAD because he "aims to please"...and may simply be inquisitive about the way things work....as far as the destructiveness...also, he could just be fighting for his place in this world as far as where he fits in...and the fighting is an insecurity issue.

My DH who is sickeningly NORMAL and well-adjusted would take apart the family lawn mower in a single afternoon at that age (8-9-10) and everything else ....that had any motor parts or wheels (to be used for "inventions" etc...)

[AmyAnne]

I'd say it's possible. I would have him evaluated by an attachment therapist. My son, who had RAD is an expert at snowing a "regular" therapist and charming them into thinking he's just fine.

[bulrusmama]

My son had RAD and a play therapist is a waist of time for a kid like this. Sometimes ADHD and RAD go together like my son's case. It doesn't sound to me like RAD but I'm not an expert. Maybe you can get him evaluated by a RAD specialist first to make sure, but I don't think there is anything to worry about in your case.
bulrusmama

[bettynme]

The current teachers are willing to meet with me next week....I am hoping to get some more insight...Thanks again for the ears and advice all..
Blessings all around.....

[Lorraine123]

The thing that strikes me is that you said the FM runs a therapeutic foster home. You need to realize that children are not placed in a therapeutic home for no reason. It costs the state significantly more money for a therapeutic home vs a regular foster home, so they will avoid it if possible. My experience shows that a therapeutic home is used as a last resort prior to a treatment facility. Don't let them tell you that they had no other homes available - thats a typical line they use. (my daughter was in a therapeutic home prior to coming to us, and she is severe RAD).

[bettynme]

Our information is that he was placed in a theraputic home due to multiple placements and an adoption disruption.
I feel better now that I have met with the teachers and discussed his IEP. I have a better understanding of what all those letters stand for... It seems as though there are not any behavioral problems at school. He is easily distracted and seeks undivided attention. He is most responisive to positive reinforcement and incentives. He shows a great deal of remorse when wrong.
We meet him this weekend for lunch and a possible trip to the park if the weather holds....

[lucyjoy]

Many kids with attachment disorder present fine in a school setting, so keep that in mind.

WHY was he moved multiple times and WHY did his adoption disrupt requiring the theraputic placement. Normally, these things are caused by out of control behavior. Be sure to look carefully at these things.

Hope your meeting goes well.

[bettynme]

He was originally placed with his 2 siblings at an older relatives house for 1 month. Her age or rather her health disrupted the adoption. Then the 3 were placed with another relative whose work schedule interfered with her being able to care for them. (4month) Finally they were all separated into different homes. Then he was with in a non relative placement for 3 months. According to the cw, the last preadoptive placement family had other children in the home and he was too over active and hyper.(1 year) We have requested contact information for this family so we can get more clarity on this and are waiting for a response from the state.
Everyone says he needs structure and consistency. It is reported that if you are inconsistant with rules he will break them. FM says that he needs structure and that he takes time to realize you care and will test you until he believes you do. He responds well to positive reinforcement and incentives. His tchs and fp report that he has remorse when he has done something wrong. He has strong relationships with his fm and fd as well as his fsiblings and fcousins. He has been in this home for almost 2 years.
I am learning more and more about attachment issues and am concerned and am trying to "watch" out for signs".

Well, we meet him on Saturday, we will see how he reacts to us and we will keep on doing our homework.

Thanks again and again....

[Kids5]

How do I post on the message board? I'm new and want to connect with parents that have disruptive adoptions. Thanks

[Kids5]

I'm looking for a mother that has had a disrupted adoption because of RAD or behaviors. I need somebody that will be very sensitive to this issue. I have been mourning the loss for over a year.

[momraine]

My son has RAD, he is an angel at school most of the time. He is great at faking remorse, and at school he even tells them teachers how much he loves me. He has found that they thing this is sweet, so he says it a lot. He tells me and the therapists that he does not love me. He is to the point where he has accepted me as his mother most of the time, and on occasion likes me. He does not love me, at least not yet. Other people never see the worst of his behaviors, they are saved for at home. I don't know for this kid, but just be watchful. I think some kids are so good at hiding it, that you might not really realize it until after the honeymoon period is over. That can be a day or a year.

[Kansas Girl]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

The thing that strikes me is that you said the FM runs a therapeutic foster home. You need to realize that children are not placed in a therapeutic home for no reason. It costs the state significantly more money for a therapeutic home vs a regular foster home, so they will avoid it if possible. My experience shows that a therapeutic home is used as a last resort prior to a treatment facility. Don't let them tell you that they had no other homes available - thats a typical line they use. (my daughter was in a therapeutic home prior to coming to us, and she is severe RAD).

I agree with Lorraine and the other posters have posted some good information and questions as well. I personally would not adopt a child from a therapeutic foster home. For me that's a huge risk that there are serious issues that probably won't be cured by good parenting and maybe even not by therapy.

Our son had gone through multiple placements and a disruption. All of it was explained as the the foster parents' faults, hardly about about R's or his sister's behaviors. We thought that once they got in our home, as the "final" adoptive home and with good parenting (and even therapy), the issues would work out easily.....wow were we wrong. The behaviors won't disappear just because he gets placed in a good home.....if anything, they may get worse as the child feels safer to deal with all the loss in his life.

Our son has been extremely disruptive in school - not that he gets into fights or anything like that, just that his need (even at age 16, after being with us for 7 years) for attention is so huge that he still does pretty stupid stuff to get attention and to control the class. He will be dealing with that bad habit the rest of his life. R is really a coachable kid....he does listen to what he needs to do to improve, but that doesn't make it any easier from him to change this behavior.

Read, read, read all you can....books on attachment disorder and the postings here, especially on the special needs board. Be prepared for the tough journey and if it's not that bad, then you'll be pleasantly surprised.

good luck
Fran