[Mkuhlmann06]

There are a lot of people on here with a ton of experience and great insight/input. Ive relied on them for their advice and suggestions many times to include when I was considering a preadoptive placement (it was my first one). We tried to prepare for the worse...

I was placed with my now AS 11 months ago. Recently I reread his child profile and paperwork and noticed that many of the things in there could be signs of attachment disorder. Not to mention, just prior to him moving in, the foster family found containers of pee in his room. My son spent 8 yrs in foster care, was in 15 placements (including my home and 2 reunifications). He was separated from his siblings (they were all adopted separately except for 2). He was in therapuetic foster care when we met him. He had ODD and Mood Disorder and on no meds, with lying, stealing, and class/home work issues (didn't like to do it). Had some aggression noted in his past.

In 11 months, his diagnosis changed to ADHD and PTSD. We are still not sure the diagnosis are accurate and he's still on no meds. We've had BSC and MT for the past 2 months and outpatient therapy every 2 weeks for past 11 months. But in the time he's been here, we haven't seen one tantrum or one aggressive behavior (a few door slams and a few slam of fists on table in frustration/anger). He does get upset and voices is disgust, dissatisfaction, etc. We experienced a lot of lying and some stealing, and issues with doing class/home work. Im glad to report that for the past 4 months we haven't experienced any stealing, his class/home work rate of completion improved 85% (not perfect, but much better), and his lying has decreased (he still does for stupid/insignificant stuff). He's come a long way and we're really proud of him. He's still got things to work on (self esteem, lying, improving vocalizing feelings), but had I not been given the advice on here on what to look for and some parenting skills, I may not have picked up on indicators that could have been RAD. Im glad we prepared for the worse and am thankful it wasn't the case, but had we not prepared, I think I'd be really sorry.

On the last day of school, his teacher invited parents for a year recap. They also had posters with different topics (what I liked most about this year, the hardest thing I learned, my favorite activity, most interesting fact I learned, etc). My son wrote "You can't get away with stuff" for the last topic mentioned. These posters will be hung up for the incoming class next year. When I saw that, I thought "ah ha" he really is getting it.

My point in all this rambling? You need to do a lot of research and be aware of all the possibilities. The same information in my child's profile found in another could be indication of an attachment disorder. Don't get me wrong, we had to work hard to build a strong family attachment/bond and I used a lot of suggestions by the folks on this board even though he wasn't RAD or given an attachment disorder diagnosis. I think it really gave us a boost in becoming a family.

My suggestion is it is hard to know just based on reports. You need to be hypervigilent during your visits and after the child moves in. Also, go with your gut and don't get snowed. Ask questions, lots of questions. Talk to the current and previous FPs if possible.

We are know looking for our 2nd child and am reading through child profiles again. So we're carefully trying to assess and read between the lines.

Good luck!

[bettynme]

So far we have had three visits, each a little longer in length. The first was at a restaurant. He refused to eat and talked very little(8yrs). When engaged in the conversation he looked at us, but he seemed to try to avoid it. (Short phases, yes, no answers etc) On the second visit, he came to the house for the afternoon. He talked more, ate more and drank more. We played together, had dinner and took him home. When I arrived for the third visit. He smiled and gave me a hug. He had prepared for my arrival early in the morning and had been anticipating it. We spent a regular day at our house. We went to the Sam's Club, picked up DH from work, dropped supplies off at the church, did some yard work together, played monopoly, ate dinner and watched a video. He responded better to conversation, but did not really initiate any. The negative and bossy tone to his voice also improved. (DX ODD)He agreed to visit again next weekend for a few days.
When we dropped him off he gave us both a hug. (FM cried and then so did I) He kept looking at us and smiling as he went about his business walking past the living room. It seems like he loosens up a little more at each meeting and is trying to see if he can trust us. (AT the first visit in our home he was very resistant to me touching him to apply sunblock. At the second visit he insisted I do it.)So far so good I think...
Thanks for all your insights...keep them coming... I'll let you know how the weekend goes....He'll be staying for a few days...

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

All of the issues you listed COULD be from severe ADHD, even the fact that he is in a therapeutic foster home. I worked on a locked psychiatric unit until a few months ago, and we sometimes got kids who "just" had ADHD. The main thing is don't underestimate how difficult ADHD can be to deal with. In severe cases, children can be a danger to both themselves and others due to their impulsivity. The biggest question to ask is how effective have his meds been. What was he like before vs. now? Providing a structure equivalent to that of the therapeutic foster home will be difficult in a "normal" family, so you will need to really assess how much time and attention it will require. That said, the most important characteristic for dealing with kids who have ADHD is LOTS of patience.

[bettynme]

ProspectiveSingleMom,
I think you may be right. We spent the weekend with J and see that he is definitely ADHD and also impulsive to say the least. I will say that when we can see him about to make a bad decision and talk to him about it, we have been able to diffuse it..He responds easily to redirection and needs alot of reminders about rules, tasks and choices. As for his medications...I believe that the current regimen works well for him. He has been on it for about a year and does not exhibit some of the behaviors that we read in the paperwork...
Now that he knows us and is more relaxed, he seems less "hyper" and out of control than he did at prior meetings. The main thing we noticed was the negativity and bossyness. That improved over the weekend as we kept talking about relaxing and that its ok to have an opinion or desire, but that we speak in a respectful way to each other. I think though that the negativity in his voice was and is his way of being defensive and taking care of himself. This big, tough 8yr old curled up at night cluching my old teddy bear. He tried to act so big, but is in some ways still a baby...It's gonna be work....but we believe we have found our son...thanks to all whom replied....those who believe...continue to pray....thanks

[GAMOM75]

The breaking toys thing is hard to really say that is a issue. My brother (not adopted) use to always take apart his remote car trucks. Often when they were brand new, it was very frustrating for my mom. If I remember correctly he was about 6-8 at the time. Turns out he just wanted to know how it worked. He also used to pour out expense purfume and replace it with water, but that is another story.

Sorry, I know that does not really help.

[kareysparks]

I know that this post is from last summer, but I am very interested to see how things worked out with that little boy.

We are half way thru training and also hopping to adopt a boy between the ages of 7-11. These posts have been very helpful.
Thanks,
Karey

[dancer52]

I am also curious how this has turned out. About 6 weeks ago we submitted an interest on an 11 year old girl who's diagnosis was listed as Mild for Emotional and Mild for developmental. There was nothing in her profile to make you aware that there were some issues. Well, I've talked to her case worker twice now and have learned that she has been diagnosed with RAD, she has been in the system since she was 4 years old. Prior to that, she was locked in a room for 14 hours a day and also abused. She does lie and steals things. The child's CW told my CW that she is a moderate level of care. She yells a lot. She is currently in an emergency shelter since the last foster home wanted her removed due to the lieing and stealing. I do not know how long she has been there. She is seeing a "temp" therapist (?) that syas the child is unadoptable and will ruin any family she goes into. My CW had requested additional reports on the child so that we can learn more about her.

I am a little hesitant as we are first time adoptive parents (we have a 14 year old bio daughter at home). However, I do feel that this child has had a bad life and deserves a chance. Therefore, i am really interested on how the previous case turned out.

[lucyjoy]

If the child's therapist feels she is going to ruin any family she goes into, I'd bet there is a lot more going on then lying and stealing. Some kids cannot handle living within families. This child sounds like she needs to be in a trained theraputic home familiar with attachment disorder in order to heal.

If you are going ahead with this 11 year old, read all you can about attachment disorder. I'd also read the special needs and disrupted adoptions boards on this site.

Dandelion on My Pillow, Butcher knife Beneath by Nancy Thomas and Can This Child Be Saved by Foster Cline are must reads before taking children who are already considered unadoptable.

[dancer52]

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

If the child's therapist feels she is going to ruin any family she goes into, I'd bet there is a lot more going on then lying and stealing. Some kids cannot handle living within families. This child sounds like she needs to be in a trained theraputic home familiar with attachment disorder in order to heal.

If you are going ahead with this 11 year old, read all you can about attachment disorder. I'd also read the special needs and disrupted adoptions boards on this site.

Dandelion on My Pillow, Butcher knife Beneath by Nancy Thomas and Can This Child Be Saved by Foster Cline are must reads before taking children who are already considered unadoptable.

Thanks for the information. I'll get those books ASAP.

[ejcimd]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

The thing that strikes me is that you said the FM runs a therapeutic foster home. You need to realize that children are not placed in a therapeutic home for no reason. It costs the state significantly more money for a therapeutic home vs a regular foster home, so they will avoid it if possible. My experience shows that a therapeutic home is used as a last resort prior to a treatment facility. Don't let them tell you that they had no other homes available - thats a typical line they use. (my daughter was in a therapeutic home prior to coming to us, and she is severe RAD).

Don't let them tell you that they had no other homes available - thats a typical line they use. (my daughter was in a therapeutic home prior to coming to us, and she is severe RAD).

Isnt' that the truth......

I heard that song and dance, believed it too.... Someday's I feel so inadequete to parent this child and others I do okay...

[juli714]

Hello folks,

This is just my opinion. As far as adopting a child from a therapeutic foster home, I do have that experience. We adopted our son from a therapeutic foster home. He does not have RAD he is a typical boy who can behave and misbehave. In my opinion, I really feel this diagnosis of RAD is used very loosely and no one on this board who is not a professional licensed in this area can really claim which child is RAD and which is not. You would have to meet the child and, even then, they are scared. And yes, my son called me "mommy" after the first visit and he is not RAD. With that being said, I think the professionals should make the determinations of RAD and that every child's situation should be taken on a case-by-case basis.

Bless the children who need a home and provide them with a future!

God Bless you all!

[MilehighDad]

Three Little Words, by Ashley Rhodes-Courter. Written by a girl adopted at age 11 out of foster care, she is 25 now. It tells her side of the story. I think understanding is the best way to be able to help a child.

[dancer52]

Originally Posted by MilehighDad

Three Little Words, by Ashley Rhodes-Courter. Written by a girl adopted at age 11 out of foster care, she is 25 now. It tells her side of the story. I think understanding is the best way to be able to help a child.

That is a great book. My whole family read it (including my 14 year old daughter....a friend of hers even read it)...

[MilehighDad]

Originally Posted by juli714

With that being said, I think the professionals should make the determinations of RAD and that every child's situation should be taken on a case-by-case basis.

Bless the children who need a home and provide them with a future!

God Bless you all!

Juli,
I actually agree with you but think there are some things to be cautious about here.

I think we would all like to believe that the people who make a career out of working with traumatized kids actually know what they're talking about. Certainly, most of us, having come from relatively healthy families, start out trusting the professionals and learning from them. Unfortunately, what is also true of the professionals is that they don't live with it, day in and day out, and much of what they have to say was taught to them by someone else or perceived through someone else's eyes. Unfortunately in our experience, the result is that about half of the professionals of any particular flavor, SW, therapist, or psychiatrist, actually get it and can be helpful. The other half are clueless and harmful to our kids and our families. The challenging part is being able to tell the good ones from the bad ones. How do I know this? Well - 3 psychiatrists gave our daughter 3 completely different diagnosis in a two year period, including potent medications to address those diagnosis. (She didn't live with us then.) They couldn't all be right, and in fact it was easy to see that some of the medications caused significant behavior and learning issues. For example, she was sleeping 2-3 hours per day in a public school classroom.
So, while I respect your opinion and we all need help, I suggest looking at all professional opionions with a healthy dose of skepticism. When you live with a child you will know them better than anyone, and the professional is really just helping you understand what you're seeing. If the last caregiver of your child was biased or inattentive, then even the best professionals will have an inaccurate view of them coming into your home. The SW in particular will only know what is told to them, and it is much more common to report all the trouble you're having than to report the things that are going well.
Also, your points are good in that often many posts assume far more than they should from almost no information. I would like to see everyone try to be supportive without drawing too many conclusions because usually not enough is shared to support those conclusions.