[helgap01]

I've been wanting to adopt/foster for ages and have been through the foster program but now want to adopt instead. I have two great biological boys 11 and 14.

I'm really interested in twin girls aged 10 who have above average intelligence, and are affectionate and are eager to please but have pfasd. They have some problems relating to peers and some problems with impulse control. One has fear issues and one has attachment issues. Apparently their most recent foster placement has really helped them a lot and they are benefiting from increased activity, which they would certainly get from us.

I'd like to know opinions from people. The way I look at it, anyone I adopt will be older and they will all have some issues, but I'd just like to hear some opinions, cautions, etc.

Thanks

[kretzklan]

I don't know a ton about FASD - other than the studying I did prior to our adoption. I was able to talk with our ped after returning home and having some concerns - perhaps you could check in with your doc to see if he/she has any recommendations?
I would also check into how your school district will handle it. Does that qualify them for special ed? Will they have IEPs or will it be unnecessary due to their intelligence level? I have found that the high intelligence can be a hinderance when a child needs help socially or emotionally.
I'm sure you have done this - but read, read and read some more. There are a lot of great resources for older child adoption - especially related to attachment issues.

[helgap01]

Thanks for your input.

One of the reasons I am attracted to these girls is because I was a "gifted" child and struggled with society somewhat because of it, and I feel that I can offer them something in that regard.

Anyway , thanks and if anyone else has any ideas/suggestions I'd love to hear them.

[aspenhall]

READ READ READ on attachment issues...then when you've read as much as you can, READ SOME MORE....

my dd wasn't in foster care, and I was told exhibited no apparent attachment issues....well, adoption as an older child CAUSES attachment issues...I was totally blindsided and it took her 3 years to finally start to be "real" and learn to trust again.

That in my opinion has made parenting the hardest....I wasn't a mommy, I was a parole officer.....it felt like.

[helgap01]

I've read some about attachment and gone through training but something tells me that it will never be enough. Especially when the kids are affectionate and "loving" but really it's not true feelings. Or only partial feelings. Or manipulation.

On the one hand I ask myself why I would invite this into my and my family's lives, and on the other hand I think of all those kids out there without a real family. Especially once they hit 18 and are out of the system. I just can't imagine having no family to turn to in times of either trouble or joy; having no one to share a past and future with; being away at school and having no where to go for Christmas holidays.

[Lorraine123]

On the one hand I ask myself why I would invite this into my and my family's lives, and on the other hand I think of all those kids out there without a real family. Especially once they hit 18 and are out of the system. I just can't imagine having no family to turn to in times of either trouble or joy; having no one to share a past and future with; being away at school and having no where to go for Christmas holidays.

I would be most concerned about the attachment issues. I know your heart is in the right place, but you need to realize that a child with attachment disorder does not want a family.Its very hard to parent a child who does not want you to be their mom.

[helgap01]

I guess this is where I'm unclear. In my understanding attachment issues have a broad range.

So a person could not feel true attachment and yet could desire that and work towards some semblance.

Am I wrong? Is this pollyanna? Only one of the girls is considered to have attachment issues, but of course we don't really know, do we.

[aspenhall]

Someone who has RAD despises every bit that has to do with any real connection (holidays, home, family)

Some with attachment disorders (don't want to be/feel attached) can learn over time (like my dd) to want to trust and work on it.....but seeing someone exhibit attachment issues and LIVING WITH someone with the same issues are 2 very different things.

You really can never learn enough...and if you're someone who can allow others to try to patronize/manipulate and decieve you and you're still ok then you shouldn't worry too much...

But if you're someone who values being appreciated or having your needs fulfilled and your work and love have an affect then be very wary.

Attachment issues exist in ALL OLDER ADOPTED CHILDREN period. It's how long they last and how quickly they learn to trust again that varies.

Not feeling attachment is not the same as AVOIDING attachment. Someone who sees you as a trustworthy stranger could conceivably want to work on attaching....but someone who sees intimacy as a direct threat to their well being will avoid it at nearly any cost.

Ask whats been done to address grief counseling and trauma counseling. Find out if the child wants 2 families (they'll never have just one)

My dd was so hurt by the slight neglect of her bmom, that instinctively she expects the same from me....which makes it hard to trust me when she doesn't stop and think about it....and if she doesn't trust me then I don't matter to her and she protects her felings that way..But she does recognize it as a problem and is actively stopping herself and making an attempt to see me for who I am.....but for 2 years it wasn't that way.

[helgap01]

I appreciate your insight. I guess I'm not so worried about myself, I worry about the other members of my family.
I am a reader and thinker and seem to be able to figure out what people are up to and think of solutions quite easily but my kids are very trusting and loving. On the one hand I think they could be good influences on younger children and on the other I wonder about how it will affect them to be thrown into a relationship with someone who not only has problems relating to others but also may be resentful.

[helgap01]

Missed a thought ... I also was thinking that I'd really have to find out what the girls feel about a "forever family" and that this response would be very important.

I don't know how long it's been since they were taken from their birth family and I don't know the reasons. But one of the girls definitely seems to have more troubles than the other.

[aspenhall]

I wouldn't interrupt birth order...the oldest should always remain the oldest.

Think about the possible intimidation factor of a severely disturbed teenager on your currently healthy children...would they be strong enough to deal with the emotional abuse (at the very least) as the girls work through their issues?

[helgap01]

These girls are not teens. They are almost 10 -- about 1 1/2 years younger than my youngest. Of course that makes him not the youngest any more.

[aspenhall]

oh sorry, I miss read the first post...but also, they'll be teens soon enough ...LOL

Just be sure your kids are healthy enough not to be manipulated/abused by the girls.

[marythemom]

Find out all you can and then ask more questions! Also know that no matter what the child says they want and no matter how they act in a foster home - a forever family is something they've probably never dealt with before. My children said they wanted to be adopted. Until they got here and after the honeymoon period ended. Then they wanted to go back to foster care because it was "easier" and "safer." No one tried to love them there.

Social workers, even the good ones, do not know everything. We were told our daughter had "attachment issues," nothing was said about our son. He'd been living in a foster home that was almost a group home - single dad, all teen boys - no one knew how he'd react to a family. He and his sister had been living apart for almost 2 years. Our son has RAD (reactive attachment disorder) - which I knew nothing about and the SW had never heard of! He has also been diagnosed and treated for bipolar disorder - after a year of physical attacks and rages. Both children have multiple diagnoses - most of which were undiscovered and/or untreated.

Know that the children will be even younger than their chronological age and that is very difficult to explain to bio kids. The new children will "get away" with things because they don't know the rules or emotionally they are much younger. If a child is emotionally only 2 years old, it is not possible to discipline them like you would a preteen - and yet that is exactly how everyone will think you should be treating them.

My biodaughter is a very mature 11. While my adopted daughter is chronologically older (just turned 13) - emotionally she stopped maturing at age 4 (when most of the physical abuse started). It is VERY difficult to explain to both girls why my biodaughter has more responsibilities and more priviliges. Luckily we'd been through this with my 14 year old niece with FAS so my biodaughter kind of "gets" it, but that doesn't make living with her new sister any easier.

I love my children and probably wouldn't change anything if I knew what I was getting us into, but know that you WILL feel guilty for how hard this will be on your family. My biodd might be a better person for all of this, but my bioson came very close to getting PTSD from all the anger and violence that we had to deal with.

Mary
mom to bio son T(9), and bio daughter K(almost 12)
Adoptive placement of siblings on 11/06
Finalized on daughter H(13) on 3/27/08.
Hope to finalize on son D(almost 15) this summer.

If "that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger..." just call me Superwoman!

[MomwithFive]

<<but my bioson came very close to getting PTSD from all the anger and violence that we had to deal with.>>

Yes, that is scary to wonder how much it actually affects the others. My younger son has been affected more than I had realized. My youngest daughter has RAD and PTSD. It is a daily challenge.