[bettynme]

We have been matched with a 8 yr old boy. We have been over the IEP, pychological reports and spoken with the foster mother over the phone. We are interested in meeting the young man. The problem is that we want to proceed cautiously and try our best to see if its a good match for all. When we spoke to the FM she was under the impression that we had decided to proceed. She even asked what we thought the child would need and listed things he would bring with him. Note that we had never spokent to her prior to this and in fact, got permission to call her from the child's social worker. Should this raise a red flag or are we being paranoid. Also, what should we look for in terms of a visitation schedule. We do not want to be rushed, but does anyone know what is reasonable? We are not getting good answers. No one at our initial informational meeting had been through the process before.
I appreciate any input or thoughts you may have. Its an exciting time, but nerve racking....

[lucyjoy]

This is an exciting time, but likely a scary time for this boy. Long transitions are tough on kids as the back and forth leaves so much uncertainty for them and unlike the adults involved, they have no say.

One thing I think is important when doing visits and transitions is to do things you will do in your normal daily life. Too much entertaining and the child will expect life to be like that every day living with you.

The fostermom's questions didn't raise any flags for me. If she's been a fostermom for long, she likely knows the longer the transition, the more negative behaviors she will have to deal with.

Good luck getting things worked out.

[Mkuhlmann06]

Our transition period was 6 weeks, and our now AS had wanted to move it along faster. We saw him 4 or 5 times in the area where he was before our first weekend visit (he stayed friday afternoon to sunday afternoon). Even on his first weekend with us, I made him do chores Saturday morning (as this is our normal chore day). We couldn't prevent the going out and finding activities to do when we were visiting him (as it was outside the foster home), but the three weekend visits, we cooked dinner, stayed home for most of it, limited visitors, etc.

During visitations/meetings, do not buy gifts to give the child. Bring board games, or uno, or something to play, interact with...but don't bring him presents. You don't want him to be accustomed to that. Actually, our first placement was a 7yr old boy and we had no children. Each day he would find toys in his toy box that he didn't remember seeing yesterday ... I would just tell him he must have been to busy playing with something else. It was our way of building up his toys (he came with ZERO), without it being a new present each day that he had to open. (We opened them and placed them in the toy box before he got home from school).

Also, don't go overboard. Keep his world small and simple. Limit electronics and individual stuff.

I too don't see any red flag in terms of the FM.

[bettynme]

Thanks for sharing your experience. Apreciate the shared wisdom.

[TxMom65]

Our daughter was supposed to have a few visits, with 2 being weekend ones. In the end they just placed her for good with no vists. We already knew her though.

[fritzi]

My three kids came all in one day. We had met our oldest twice in the week before (he was in a residential home). We first laid eyes on his two siblings the day they moved in with us. They had come from a "disrupted" pre-adoptive home. Those folks had weeks of transition with our kiddos and it still didn't work out for them. We had none and a year later we are a family with no regrets.
What it depends on is you. Determine if it seems like a good match and expect alot to be revealed after the move! And commit. One thing I knew, come hell or high water, these kids were staying. That's what really matters.

[Howdy]

If you have been over all the reports and the information is acceptable, then it seems unlikely that meeting the child would be a deal breaker?

There was one child I considered whose foster parents told me that they thought I should decide without meeting the child (and I eventually decided against the placement). They said their theory of why her previous placement didn't work out (they'd also been the child's fparents before the failed adoptive placement) was because she was so cute and sweet and the previous potential mother met the child and then ignored all the negative information because the child was so appealing.

As far as the transition if you decide to accept the placement, there is a good book about that called 'A Child's Journey Through Placement', I think that book says that a child (of the age you are considering) should not be moved until they are in either a 'mad' or 'sad' stage of grief about changing families. The book had a story of a child moved while she was still in the 'denial' or 'bargaining' stage of grief, and that the girl had much harder time in the new placement because she believed she could find a way to get to go back to the previous home.