[LEJ8]

I am a single woman considering adopting a healthy 8-10year-old boy from a foreign country. I do not have a specific child picked out. I have some thoughts on this I'd like to get everyone and anyone's opinions on.

Please don't think I'm naive--I don't know how I could be b/c I've been researching adoption for over a year now! But I am worried that adopting an older child may not be good for the child. The orphanage I am looking at is in a country that is not dirt poor. The waiting children are all smiling and apparently go to school, play games and have good caretakers. I would be adopting a child, pulling him out of his native country--where he is living with a bunch of other kids his age. At my house, it would just be me and him (and my dogs). No siblings to play with, new language to learn, different food to eat, etc...When you think about it, the obstacles are quite significant! I read an article written by a woman who adopted an older child from Vietnam. She said her daughter was happy in her orphanage. I spoke to the agency rep that is representing these waiting children, and she assures me that older children are asked if they want to be adopted. But do they really understand it? I know children in Russia and India, in particular, are put out into the streets with no education once they reach a certain age, but this is a fairly wealthy Asian country (Thailand). I know every child deserves a family, but would I be doing more harm than good. Maybe a different country or a younger child would be better...Please tell me what you think!

[kerih]

The first thing that comes to my mind is "what are your motivations for making this choice of country/age in the first place?"

[Kansas Girl]

The questions to think about might be:
in thinking about the worst possible scenario that could happen (i.e. child has RAD or other serious emotional issues) -

• do you have good support networks - both to offer you help with the child (respite for yourself) and one also for your own mental health? Not only counselors/therapist/psychiatrists but family & friends who will be there for you when the going gets rough and alone. Don't underestimate the importance of this!
• do you work - would your employer be willing to let you have time off for appointments or if you need to be at home with the child?

a good website: Older Child Adoption is undergoi. (I just checked and she's actually updating her site right now) Susan is a single mom who adopted a child (who was six at adoption) from Russia.

good luck!

Fran

[LEJ8]

I guess my motivation is that since I am single, I think handing a baby would be difficult for me. The daycare years would be long days for the baby and expensive for me. I think I could do it, though.

I did not fall in love with the country...I have not fallen in love with any of the countries I have researched (which is basically all countries that have adoption programs.) I really do not have a preference when it comes to country or gender of the child. I keep waiting for me to generate some sort of preference, but I have not. The only preference I do have is I do not want to be "in country" for over 2 weeks. I'd rather use that time to bond at home with my child, plus I am an anxious traveler.

[lucyjoy]

Children who have grown up in orphanages, often have trouble bonding. There usually isn't one consistant caregiver their entire lives. I don't know about Thialand, but in many countries, as the children age, or if they get sick, are moved to different orphanages.

My kids would not have been okay had they aged out of their orphanges, so here is a better place for them. However, they were said to be healthy and happy when their first US families adopted them, yet both families disrupted due to the child's significant issues.

[PabloandCarlosMama]

Every situation is different. I'm a single woman who adopted two older brothers (then 7 and 11) from Guatemala last year. They spent most of their lives in an orphanage and foster care. My children would have aged out of the orphanage upon turning 16, and things wouldn't have good for either one of them.

Just as infants bring challenges, so do older children. I would encourage you to research attachment issues and the effects of orphanage life on children. If you can get networked with an adoption support group for parents in your community, that could help you determine whether adopting an older child is the right decision.

My children have done a lot of grieving over the lives that they left behind in Guatemala. We have kept in touch with friends and foster families. They have been homesick, and it is traumatic for children (or anyone) to be uprooted and placed in a different country, language with a stranger who they are supposed to call "mom." That, along with the issues of abuse and neglect that they may have suffered (bad things can happen in good orphanages), takes a lot of work to deal with. They say they are glad to be here and in our family, and I believe that we are meant to be together.

You mentioned your concerns about daycare with a baby, etc. Before I adopted, I had a similar thought process. Make sure that you have a good support system and access to childcare even with school age children. Also, older children do regress to get the nurturing and care that they missed as babies. I have gotten to do a lot of baby-type activities with them like rocking and bottlefeeding, playing peek a boo. I watched two very self-sufficient "little men" from the orphanage regress to where I'd be tying their shoes, and brushing their teeth for them. It's all part of the bonding and attachment process, and I had read and heard about it, but experiencing it has been surreal, strange, and wonderful. I never thought I was a "baby" type of person, but my boys have awakened that love in my heart.

Best of luck to you.

[Adoption_Ally]

Just curious - but if you want a fairly healthy 8 year old, why not adopt through the US foster care system? Then you wouldn't have the problems you were talking about with culture, language, etc.