[AlekseiGirl]

Hello everyone! I have been a foster parent before, I took kids ages 0-5. I had 15 kids in 18 months. I adopted my precious daughter, she came to me at 2 days old. She is 2 now! I also have a 6 year old bio daughter. I moved from California to Texas, and I am in the process of getting licensed again. I am looking for advice on the following situation:

I'm getting licensed again, and I WANT a baby girl. And a 3-5 year old GIRL. But something in my head keeps saying BOY BOY BOY. It's time for a boy. Something in my head also keeps saying TEENAGER. Nutso, I know. So, today it occurs to me that I know someone that fits both of these categories.

I'm not very good at "reading the signs." Once, a friend of mine who was studying to be a minister, pointed out that it wasn't a coincidence that I had a bunch of random encounters with foster kids. She said that God put those people in my path to lead me in the direction of foster care. HMMMMM, I hadn't thought about that.

I'm in that situation again. Thanks to my friend, I recognize these encounters as possibly more than coincidence. So, back to my story. I have a student named Craig. (I teach 11th and 12th grade English at a school for at-risk youth). I was drawn to him the day I met him, but I didn't know why. I later found out that he is a foster kid, and lives in a group home. He's an excellent kid. He's very concerned about his grades and he works his butt off. He has a job. He's tough, he comes to school everyday. He had surgery YESTERDAY to have his adnoids removed and a tube put in his ears, and he was at school today. He's 17. He'll be 18 in October, and I keep thinking that this poor kid is going to have NO FAMILY. He won't have a place to go on Thanksgiving or Christmas. He won't have anyone to stand at his high school graduation. This bothers me...alot.

I feel very driven to find out more about him and his situation. Could I possibly adopt a 17 year old boy? Is it possible that God led me away from a previous fost/adopt situation, and to a job 45 minutes from my home just to meet a teenage boy that needs a family? Can I AFFORD TO FEED THIS KID?

What do you think? I'm looking for honest answers from those who have had teenage foster kids. I always say "Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it." Am I nuts? I am a single mom, and I have two girls. I have a stable job, a great supportive family, and a lot of love to give.

[PabloandCarlosMama]

You're not crazy. It sounds like you are asking the big questions, and hopefully you will find the answers. I'm a single mother of two older children whom I adopted last year. There are folks who are on the boards regularly who have fostered/adopted older teens who can offer much more insight, but I wanted to respond.

My feedback is to ask as many questions as possible of his social worker, group home staff, etc. and then do your best to read between the lines. Listen to what they say and what they don't say. My older son (nearly 13) is in a residential treatment center because he could not be safe in a home and family setting--too intense and triggered his trauma and RAD in dangerous ways. However, he goes to a regular junior high school, makes straight A's, and gets awards for good citizenship. His teachers see only the "Golden Boy" side of him, and not the scared, angry, and violent parts of him that he exhibits toward himself and others at home and the RTC.

Craig sounds like he has some wonderful qualities, but it's important to get to know as much as you can. Also ask others and yourself, is it safe to bring this boy into your home when you have younger children? Can they (and you) all be safe together? As a single parent, do you have or can you get the support you need to do this?

Older children come with lots of baggage, as you know, and attachment can be so hard for them. If you can handle the dance of when they come close, and then get scared, and move away, then that's a strength for you.

You sound like you have an open, loving spirit, and are taking steps that will hopefully give you the clarity to do what is best for yourself, famly, and Craig.

As for affording to feed him, on a lighter note, it's a good question. My grocery bills tripled with two growing boys, but it's worth it to see them thrive and become more healthy.

Best wishes to you.

[catm]

August, we had a 16 yr. old girl placed with us who turned 17 in Dec. We are to be finalized Wednesday. I agree with your feelings of "who will they spend the holidays with?". I would also have concern about bringing a male into your family as "most" kids who are removed due to abuse or neglect have had some exposure to sexual abuse. we lucked out with our girl. She was only in a group home due to her mother's illnesses and therefore inability to care for her. We wanted an older child because we knew our lifestyle wouldn't mold to that of a younger child who needed constant attention. Our girl has a job and can be left alone for short periods of time. They also come with a "what you can expect manual" from the group/foster home, which, to me, beats the crap shoot you get from a bio child. However, most of my friends tried to warn me about not having enough time with them to have our good values rub off on the teen. My comment is, give me any child up to the age of 21 and tell me all the problems they have had. If you knew of all the heartache or problems, would you do it again? Of course, when it's "your own" they always say yes.

[bulrusmama]

Boy is this thread hitting home for me. I have been praying and mulling back and forth about a almost 13 yo boy myself. When I worked in a group home 3 years ago he was there. I was under the impression he was getting adopted by a couple and I found out a few months ago they decided not to go through with it. I inquired about him and everyone told me I was crazy. Now he has come into my life again. I just happened to call my sister tonight and she said "hey, I just looked outside and I think I see "T" in my yard"! Then she yelled outside and asked if his name was "T" and he said yes and she put him on the phone. We were both so exicited. Apparently he lives right down the street from her and at first he didn't know who I was until I mentioned the group home and the kids's names then my sister said his eyes got huge and he recognized me. BTW, we live in another state now and I'm wondering if the agency would allow him to visit me a couple of weeks this summer. We would really like to adopt him, but we want to make sure we can handle his behaviour issues. We don't want to be another family to let him down. I also have a 7 y.o. boy and a 8 y.o. girl.
bulrusmama