[bulrusmama]

Those of you that have adopted children that are 11 years old, what type of problems have you had with them?
2.5 years ago I worked at a group home in another state. We had a boy there that turned 9 while in our care. He has been in foster care since birth. He was with the same foster parents the whole time until he went into the group home. He is on lots of different meds and at the time they were trying to get the dosages straight and he got out of hand with his foster mom (who us up there in age) and she got hurt. He knocked her down. In the group home he got his meds straight and JFS decided he needed a different home so they put him in a therapeutic foster home. (I never thought it was a good match) The last I knew this home was going to adopt him. My sister just called and said she just found out he now lives in another foster home down the street from her. My little niece says they are adopting him, but she is only 8 so I'm not sure she knows the difference. If he is available for adoption I would be very interested. This boy really touched my heart back then, he was really getting the shaft from the agency and his social worker. He was at my house a lot and was really good with my kids, who are younger (7 and 8). The foster parents he grew up with are great people. The agency made them his "grandparents". I would love to continue contact with them even though we live in a neighboring state. My family is still in that town so it wouldn't be a problem in that regard. What do you guys thinK?
bulrusmama

[Mkuhlmann06]

First, each kid is different, so I don't know what to tell you about this 11 yr old boy you are considering. We adopted an 11 yr old boy that was in therapeutic foster care, had been in forster care for 8 years, with 15 different placements. He was place separately from his brothers and sisters (most of them were placed separately). The main behaviors we have seen are lying, stealing, and negative attitude towards school work and home work. He has no learning disabilities, is not on an IEP (and doesn't need to be), he's smart, bright, caring, funny, sweet, etc. But he has a lot of history and experience with being sneaky (lying, stealing, covering up). My son was ODD and mood disorder when we adopted him... just 4 months later, they've removed those diagnosis and gave him ADHD, but no attentional issues are associated (its for the lack of organization and the impuslivity to lie/steal). He's never been on meds.

Im not a big fan of bringing in an older child with your younger kids, that has been around the system his whole life. Im not even concerned with sexual or physical abuse, but my son has been very adamant he isn't able to get away with as much stuff due to the lack of other kids not being around (especially younger).

Im not saying to not pursue it -- only you know what will be right for your family. But please make sure you are familiar with all his history and current issues.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[hrisme]

I would also have reservations about bringing a child of this age into a home with younger children. Keep in mind that when he was in your home previously he was not dealing with attachments, and thus may have only shown "honeymoon" type behaviors. Not sure what state you are in, but if possible I would request his file & review it with a certified psychologist. Not all states allow this, unfortunately.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

I would definitely try to get to know him NOW. It appears from your post that you have not really known him in two years and children can change ALOT in that amount of time in the system. Not to mention that going from age 9-12 is filled with hormonal changes and attitude differences, etc. You wanted to adopt the child he was at 9. The child he is at 11 you may not even want visiting in your home....especially with your younger ones.

Kim

[PabloandCarlosMama]

I adopted my son internationally when he was 11 and a half years old last year. I first met him when he was 10 y.o. During the year plus of the process, he began going through puberty, and the hormones are kicking in like a group of NFL football players. Since being removed from his family at the age of four, he's had seven placements in orphanages and foster homes.

Only you and your family will know what's best for yourselves and him. My feedback is to go very, very slowly, and get to know him. I would be very cautious about bringing in a child who is older than the bio children. They really do come from different worlds, and the 11 year old is coming with a lot of baggage.

Ask lots of questions about his history. So often children with attachment issues do better in group home or institutional settings, because they don't have to deal with the pain and triggers of attachment. Knowing him in the group home just might be an entirely different context than being his foster/adoptive parent.

I wouldn't trade my now 12 year old son for anything in this world, but the older the child, the more challenges. And with other children in your home, you may find that he's younger emotionally than his chronological age, and that may be challenging in that he may not be able to do the things that you expect of your younger, attached children, and then they could be confused and resentful. Anyway, I'm doing a lot of projecting, so I will stop, and wish you the very best as you determine whether to bring this child into your home.

[mommytoEli]

the only thing i would like to mention is that knowing a child in a group home setting and knowing a child in a home setting are so completely different. our children were only 8 and 9 when they moved in, but they had lived off and on in the same group home for about 2 years.....they went back with each failed placement. however, the center LOVED the kids. the more stories i hear, the more i realize what an unhealthy place it was for my kids bc they got away with so much. they were superficially charming, and therefore the staff thought they were amazing, but it is clear to me that they were manipulating the staff and the system, and actually were involved in many things they should not have been. once the honeymoon wore off, we realized, and still realize daily, that they still live like they lived in a group home....the behaviors are bizarre and tiring....and difficult to deal with in a family setting. all children are different, and all children deserve a chance, i just wish i knew going in how hard raising these children would be.

[bulrusmama]

Well, you've got a point. Group home living would be different than in-home living. I know though for a fact he didn't get away with anything in the group home. He didn't have anyone fooled there, he was a handful at first and by the time he left he was still a handful, but was progressing. I spoke with his former foster mom who the agency made his "grandmother" after 9 years of living with her, and she said his behaviors are still really bad. He is cussing teachers, runs away from his foster home (of course he is always running to her house) and she said he is only on meds for ADHD. After we got his meds straightened out in the group home he really improved, now he isn't on any. I can't wait to see him next week. I will take things very sssllllooooooooowwwww.
bulrusmama

[Kansas Girl]

just get all the info you can...and then some, and as you say, take it really slow.

Our son was nine when we got him, and totally mouthy to anyone in authority - parents, teachers, caseworkers. DH and I both thought that it was just a bad habit that would be so easy to cure - it was really a sympton of a huge problem with lack of respect and conscience. He has come a long way but still becomes disrespectful under stress - it will probably get him in trouble bigtime when he's an adult (he turns 16 next week). Think long and hard about dealing with that one, especially at the age of this child you are considering. When you think about all the stuff these children can dish out towards their adoptive parents, disrespect has been the toughest one for us to have to go through.

good luck!
Fran

[bulrusmama]

Well, I thought I would update everyone on our situation. I tried to see this boy while I was home and the s.w. never got it arranged. I was very disappointed and figured maybe it was for the best. We decided to think about it for awhile and see how we felt later. After discussing this with you guys I thought well, maybe he would be more than we can handle and maybe we will be yet another family to let him down. Today I called my sister and he happened to be out in her yard playing and she called him to the phone and I got to talk to him. At first he didn't recognize my voice until I told him who I was and I was from the group home. He got really excited to hear from me and we had a great conversation. My kids were able to talk to him also. The first thing my daughter asked him was if he still steals gum! Anway, this is the second time in just a couple of months he has entered my life. My sisters seem to think my husband and I can handle him because we run a very strict home. Of course, they don't live near me. Still pondering. My husband wants me to call his s.w. tomorrow. I feel kind of silly because I was insisting that our s.w. put that we wanted approved for 0-5 instead of 3-5 and now we want a 12 y.o. BTW, do you think his s.w. (in neighboring state) would consider allowing him to come stay with us a couple of weeks this summer so we can kind of get to know him? We just don't want to let him down. Besides, he may not WANT to live with me!
bulrusmama

[bulrusmama]

I spoke to his s.w. and she was shocked to hear from me again. She said that she visited him on Saturday and he had asked to talk to the woman that took care of him at the group home! He couldn't remember my name but he told her it rhymed. My first and last name rhyme. Then when I told her the story about talking to him she was as surprised as me at the coincidence. Well, anyway, we are going to get our homestudy changed and sent to her and she will see what all info. she can give me. She said she had spoke to him about updating his profile and asked him if he would consider going to another county and she said he cried for 20 minutes. So he probably won't want to come to another state with me, but you never know.
bulrusmama