[bug'smom]

After reading past posts and the adoption blog here, there is no way I am considering adopting anymore. Is there nothing positive about adopting an older child because I can't find any truly positive posts/remarks?

I read how you love your kids and wouldn't change your experience but honestly all I can really find are problems after problems.

As someone who was thinking about opening my house and heart to an older child, there's no way it's happening now.

[lucyjoy]

Sorry you feel that way. However, I think the issues posted here are very real. A child who is older has had lots of loss in their lives and being adopted doesn't make it go away.

[akasohappy]

I noticed the title of your post and had to comment.
I am sorry that you have been scared away.
Children no matter what age are gifts from God.
I don't believe that every older child adoption is filled with problems. Toddlers and even infants can have adjustment problems especially if institutionalized.
But that doesn't even mean EVERY child in an institution will eventually have problems.
I least you read about real issues before you adopted.
Education is key.

[Kansas Girl]

I agree with both Lucy and Amber here. I believe that if my DH and I knew as much as we do now, we would have still adopted, but we would have asked many more questions and found many more resources (they are out there!) before we adopted. If I can talk DH into more kids, I will do it again. You just have to do it with your eyes wide open - as Amber says, education is key. Know enough up front that a social worker or agency can't snow you - there are kids out there who probably shouldn't be adopted, yet there are those with more "minor" (minor being a relative term!) issues who can be a part of a family. You have to be prepared and be willing to go through therapy with them - and sometimes that might entail looking at your own life and your own issues. There are lots of good books and seminars out there - Love and Logic seminars, and the attachment therapists do seminars and conferences also.

Our son came to us at age 9 with some really severe issues. He has healed some now and is truly a joy to have around, and I have hope for his future.

good luck
Fran

[crick]

Keep in mind too that a lot of parents post here for support and for help. So it's really a glimpse into the whole process imo and not necessarily the whole one for everyone.

I can't tell you it's an easy road and there are indeed things to be aware of, but that is in almost every adoption process out there, imo. Each process comes with it's own set of possible issues no matter if it's domestic infant, international, older child etc.

I think I've had a very positive experience. My kids are healthy and attached. Doesn't mean everything is perfect and we haven't had some challenges to overcome. True, my kids were 2,3,4&5 when we became a family and I do think that made a difference in a lot of ways.

Suzberg started a thread here you might want to read if you missed it...Discussion: "Why I'm happy - I adopted an Older Child"

[mrsred]

Maybe it is for the best. If reading a few negative posts from parentts seeking help has "scared you away perhaps this is not the road for you. There are easier children... or cats... cats are easy.

[SuzBerg]

I'm sorry if you are scared away.... I really don't think there are no positive experiences on the boards. But this is a support board so people come here for support and usually people need support when they are struggling. Maybe that's why you are finding so many posts about problems.

In fact our family has had a very positive experience. We love our daughter and she has given us a joy we would never have known had we not adopted her. But yes we have problems. My daughter came to us at 2.5 years old she is now 6 and has had 5 open-heart surgeries (2 since she came to us), multiple other procedures and hospitalizations. She has been in the hospital 4 different times in the last year. We have been told she will need another surgery in the next 6 months (this time on her foot not her heart thank goodness). My daughter also has some slight developmental delays and some other issues.

I remember starting the process and hearing a lot of "horror stories", but in the end I knew it was the right thing for us to do. I would be lying if I said life was easy all the time but IT IS WORTH IT!

[Jestocost]

I came to these boards rather scared about some behaviors I'd heard about. What I found here was not sugar coating the issues or dismissing them as rare, but real people talking about how they have dealt with and continue to deal with things that both horrify and terrify me. They aren't saints of supermen (well maybe some are). It's made me realize that if I have to I can and will deal with it. And forewarned is forearmed, so maybe I can avoid some mistakes.

But if you've had the opposite reaction, I think you should listen to that. Not everyone is cut out for parenting, let alone parenting difficult children. Better that you're scared off beforehand than after a child is placed with you.

Edit: That sounded very harsh. I didn't mean to say that you aren't cut out for parenting. I was actually thinking of some of the birthparents I've read about on these boards. I just meant that if after reading about problem children you don't think you can handle it, you shouldn't adopt by a route that is likely to pair you with a problem child, like teenagers from foster care.

[momraine]

I have done it all. I gave birth to two kids, I had a relative placement that I raised (and now she is back with her two kids) and I adopted a baby (10 months old when we brought her home) and last year we adopted a six year old. Have there been problems? yes, of course, not just with my older adopted child. My relative placement kid was a horror of a teen. However she is now an adult who is working and trying to turn her life around, she is making good decisions and very helpful around the house. I am so glad we took her in and I love her so much. She has overcome a lot and is now an amazing adult.
My firstborn bio child has aspergers, there were problems. The kid is amazing, brilliant, probably smarter than me. (he got my internet back up this morning after my engineer husband managed to mess it up!) He has many struggles, but there have also been many joys. Giving birth does not garentee a healthy kid.
My next bio kid has learning disabilities, but he is the sweetest most loving kid in the world. He has really given me very few problems. My child I adopted as a baby, is my heart she is the one I am probably closest to. She has some minor issues, but has overcome them. She was born without many of her leg bones and many people would see that as a major handicap. However, she dances, she won a constest once against ablebodied dancers and she was only five at the time. She is amazing, far more good stuff than bad. My child adopted as an older kid, he had a lot of problems, and we are still dealing with them. However he is doing so much better now than six moths ago, it's been hard but worth it. This kid is also amazing, he has some pretty daunting physical issues, but the way he overcomes them leaves everyone who meets him in awe. He is learning how to live in a family and things I took for granted with my other kids are milestones for him. There has been a lot of wonderful stuff about adopting this kid, however a lot of it defyes description. Only another parent with a kid who has RAD could understand why I got tears in my eyes when he told someone I was a good mom because I would not leave no matter what. My oldest neice, there are problems, her dad left them when she was not quite two. Then he started visitation when she was four, and then quit again. She is six and they moved here in August. Thier dad visited them the day before they moved and has not so much has called or sent a card since. She does not trust men. She is picky about what people she trusts. It's been amazing to watch her begin to heal. We have a ways go, but she is going to make it. My littlest neice is a little toot. She is always doing things to make the other kids crazy, but she has the most amazing smile and the biggest eyes. Her affectionate nature means she gives me lots of hugs, often just when I really need one. I love every kid in my house, and I am better person for having been around each of them. I have to say the good outweighs the bad or I would not be doing this! Every one of them has had problems, bio, adopted and relative. However they are also awesome.

[Synesthesia]

I'm not scared off myself, but I don't think I am ready. I don't think I have the maturity I need to adopt an older child.
It's not something I'll totally rule out and I have to listen to the fact that I am more drawn to adopting an infant 1 month to 12 months, but none of these routes are easy. I'm considering adopting special needs children.

[crick]

I have the opposite of some opinions on here...I don't think it's a sign necessarily that because one is scared they should think they aren't able to handle adopting an older child. I feel it means there is more research to be done and soul searching into what a parent really wants. Meaning, if a person is intending to adopt an older child more from the attitude of "I want to help a child and open my home to them", that's not necessarily the complete attitude to have. I feel there has to be a genuine want to be a parent in general and an attitude of this may be a rough path, but it's truly the path I want to take.

I think we offer a small glimpse into older child adoption. Let's face it...there are some parents on here who do indeed have the extreme experiences that are there to be had. Then there are some who do not. There are also many parents out there who aren't posting because they don't need support, or just not into the forums kind of life.

It would be inaccurate to say there are never any challenges to face when adopting an older child. However, it would also be inaccurate to say that every child will present with the extreme side of the spectrums too. There are middle ground and lesser challenges, and I can see where someone not taking the classes yet or not having done all the research would take the bulk of posts on here and go running. That shouldn't be taken personally by us though or put us on the defensive. It also shouldn't be a reason to not post for support. As with anything we all read on the forums, I feel it's a take what you want and need and leave the rest. Not every situation is going to apply to every person as we all know.

[ajjhmf]

I'm sorry you feel scared away. I know that it can be very overwhelming when looking at all the potential problems an old child may have. But not all do and, yes, there are good stories out there too.

One thing to remeber is that people who aren't having issues don't generally post to forums. I used to post here multiple times a day on the issues I was having with my son. The parents here were the only one I knew who actually had experience dealing with some of the issues I was dealing with. But my son is doing amazingly well now and I post here more in support and friendship than for my own problems. Others have had their kids heal and simply have moved on. And I'm sure that there are still more who have not experienced the extreme issues some of us have and never posted at all. These boards are merely a glimpse at the life of an older child adoption.

But, these problems are very real and it's not smooth sailing. It's good to do research and come in eyes open, but if after that research you feel the problems we face would be beyond your ability to parent well, then I think it is a wise and brave decision to say no now.

[aspenhall]

All parenting is full of problems! We just have a different set to deal with. And full of varying degrees of intensity as well. Parenting by definition is dealing with the problems...no way to avoid that fact.

But the degree of happiness you will feel is directly proportionate to the degree of difficulty you have overcome. So a child getting an A would be nice, but a child who refused to try anything new, hated school, and was too emotionally disturbed to learn much in teh beginning WHO THEN GETS AN 'A' feels SO MUCH BETTER! It's the struggles that make the joy that much sweeter. And without the struggles, there would be little joy.

Certainly I went through a "oh crud, what have I done" phase in the beginning, as I too wasn't prepared for the problems that parenting brings naturally, let alone her specific issues. But after a year or two of serious hard work, we are reaping benefits like I never imagined!

Love isn't and has NEVER been "enough" to be a parent. Not even in non-adoption formed families. My dd's bmom loves her, but that wasn't enough to stop the damage she caused.....Parenting takes effort and deliberate actions combined with love. Just as "love" alone won't make a marriage work...

With parenting (ALL TYPES) you simply need to be aware of WHICH problems you wish to deal with...and proceed accordingly. And with older child adoption, sucess simply takes more time, in some cases, much much much more time, but if you educate yourself and are ready for the hard work, the payoff is so great!

[ManyTimesBlessed]

I don't post on adoption.com very often anymore because my kiddos keep me away from the computer most of the time (that's what happens when you adopt 3 kids in one year ). But, I was browsing today and saw this thread and wanted to reply to it.

For me, adopting my older two children has been largely a positive experience. However, that doesn't mean it has been only a positive experience or that there have been no negatives. Our daughter had a very rough past and spend many years in an orphanage setting. She has a lot of challenges and keeps us on our toes. There are days when it is very stressful. But, I still would do it again in a heartbeat and I am very happy that she is part of our family.

I believe that being scared is part of this. If you go into adoption (especially older child adoption) convinced that it will all go smoothly and completely sure that you can handle it, you may not be the best candidate. This is NOT easy. As the saying goes, parenting is not for wimps! That can definitely be said for adopting older