[trahen]

My husband and I are adopting a 11yr old girl and she is the sunshine of our life. We haven't been happier she is a great little girl that loves school and has no behavior problems.

[Empty_Nest]

I think it's important for you to know yourself well enough to realize what type of child is not for you, and I congratulate you in that insight. It's a lot better than leaping in blindly and finding out after it's too late you're not ready for what could be a difficult placement. We all go through that to some degree, I think. For us, we would run screaming into the woods if someone told us we were required to adopt an infant. For others, that's the only type of child they would consider. We're just not 'baby people', never have been, and never will be. After having adopted eight kids from ages 4-12, we know what type of child we're most comfortable with.

Bad things can happen with any kid. I used to think it was just older adopted kids, but then I looked around and saw birth kids having a lot of the same struggles. I think a lot of it is just our society anymore. Which is not to say older traumatized kids don't have any real issues. They do, and they can be horrendous to deal with. But I have to agree with others who have suggested you may just need more research.

If you adopt an older US waiting child, chances are you will be able to get a lot of details about the child before you make up your mind to take him or her. That can help you decide if you can handle whatever issues the child has, or not. No one will ever force you to take a child you don't feel comfortable trying to parent.

No parenting is easy, but adoptive parenting is definitely different in some ways than parenting a child born to you.

If you are at all interested in adopting, even after what you said in your OP, then please break down your concerns one by one and post individual threads asking about each. There are people here who can help you understand any issue that might come up. I also recommend you read Claudia Jewett's book Adopting the Older Child, an oldie but a goodie. It will give you some insight both into what the parents go through and what the older child goes through. No, it's not easy, and you're right to be concerned. But it's not impossible either, and can be very rewarding.

Good luck with whatever you decide. The bottom line is you must always do what you feel is right for you and your family.

[Kaijinsbigsis]

Older child adoption can be scary. There are a lot of things that have happened in the child's life you don't know about. My sister was 2.5 when we got her, but had had bond after bond broken. She was abandoned as a baby, put in the orphanage, removed from the orphanage to a children's home run by an American foundation (which is probably the best thing that could have happened to her), put in foster care, put back in a children's home, put in another foster family, then placed back in the orphanage for a week before we got her. And that's just what we know about. There may have been one other foster family. We're not sure. Did she have a hard time at first? Yes, who wouldn't after that? She screamed and cried herself to sleep in our guide's arms at the Civil Affairs office. Mom had to walk her up and down the hallway, screaming and crying for probably 5 nights while we were in China to get her to sleep. These kids are put into situations with people they don't know, who often don't speak their language, and they're, of all things, LEFT with them. Yeah, that'd be scary for them. If you think it's scary for you, think of what it's like for the kid. We had sleep issues from the time we got her until a month or two after we got home, but that's the only real issue we've with Reese. No behavioral issues that can be attributed to her adoption. Her preschool classmates, maybe, but not the adoption.

[fritzi]

I'm adopting 3 kiddos, 5, 7 and 12. I don't mean to be rude, but if a few comments on a message board scare you.....it's probably best you don't adopt-anyone.
My kids came to me from a "disrupted" adoption. That's a nice way of saying that their former pre-adoptive parents changed their minds. Why? Probably because my kiddos didn't fit their picture of a family. The only way to do this is to accept these kids, with their grief and anger as well as their joy-and not try to get them to fulfill your dreams. Our job is help them with theirs.

[shelly b]

I have to reply to this. If you only knew some of the problems we have had with our bio children!!! They are now 27 and 25 and raising them wasn't a picnic. Children are children. Our oldest daughter had problems at 17-18 years old and dh and I didn't know if we would make it through. She now is a wife and mother and I am very proud of her, but the point is there is nothing saying that an adopted child will be a holy terror and your bio children won't me. Your bio children can be a holy terror and your adopted child an angel. You just never know. Either way I wouldn't trade any of my children for anything. They are all a gift! You have to do what is best for you and your family. At least you have gained insight into what you might expect from children!

[fritzi]

Oh yes, and one more thing. I myself was adopted as an 8 day old infant. I went on to become a drug addict by 14, was institutionalized several times, lived in a horrific domestic violence situation and did not hold anything resembling a real job until I got clean 10 years ago.
I'm sure my mom can tell you that adopting an infant is no guarantee of an easy time.
However, 10 years into recovery I have an intimate knowledge of the home and life my kiddos came from living with their addicted parents. It all comes around somehow.

[Archive]

I think if we all look back to when we began, many of us were scared or uneducated on adoption issues. Most people are not born ready to handle the issues that some of our children are faced with. When I speak at adoption seminars I tell the parents-to be that education is key. You build your knowledge one step at a time. If you look at the whole--it can be extremely overwhelming. Our life is very normal to us. Someone looking in might not think so, but for us this is the norm and we are happy and wouldn't do anything differently.

[Justhavfaith]

I just wanted to post a response out here to this post.

I am new to the area of older child adoption and came out here from the Guatemala forum hoping to find REAL answers and issues that people need to be informed of. I have to say that this is SCARY with a capital S but, I am so thankful for the information. I fully believe that information is vital to making any adoption a success. I think that as an adoptive parent, we should strive to learn as much as possible to make this a good experience for ALL involved.

I personally have gone through a lot of adoption training and many of these issues were "smoothed over" or skimmed through. I very much appreciate those of you who are very busy and still taking the time to come here and post your experiences to help us newbies.

Yes, it is Scary and We as a family have a lot more discussion, praying and learning to do before making a decision but, at least I know more now than I did before coming out here.

I wish you all the best and please know that your experiences and opinions are valued - - Even when they are scary to us considering older child adoption for the first time.

[Sheriv]

It is too bad that you are scared, but that is a good thing, because it is far worse to get into a situation and realize you can't handle it. Adoption of older children can be scary, especially as they have pasts and ghosts they can not escape sometimes. But that said, I met my second oldest when he was 19 years old and he had lived in an orphanage in Brazil from the age of 4 until the time I met him when he was beginning his life away from there. I think that his beginnings while traumatic his ability to handle it was different and I cannot ask for a more loving, caring, dedicated son and my life is all the better for having him in it. Some would say that he was too old to need a Mom when I met him, but I like to think that having me in his life now will make him all the more open to a loving relationship in the future.

Consider that....and maybe you will find an age range and or child that you can parent and bless....

Sheri

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

I don't even plan on adopting, but I do have a 14 yr old and when things get scary I will know exactly who to turn to.

I just feel better knowing that if I have a child who does X.....I can talk to Lucy. If my child does Y.... I will PM Mike. And if they do Z...... I will find zebramom. So for all of the not-so-positive stories I have heard, I have found a friend with experience to count on when I need them.

That is the wonderful thing about this board. I wonder how many people would actually post or view if it were just thousands of parents on here talking about how great their kids were and how everything was going great......I would venture to guess not many.

Kim

[Jo Ellen]

There are no guarantees in life when it comes to being a parent and rearing children....whether it is having children of our own or adopting. Everyone has to do what is best for them.