[willow262003]

six weeks ago the court decided in a matter of seconds they were taking my foster son out of my home because he didn't want to be adopted (but did want to stay---and there are other options, like guardianship or allocation of parental rights). i got one hearing, the judge was somewhat annoyed that i expected to open my mouth and speak ("keep it brief") and my psychological parenthood was dismissed as beyond worthless, actually wrong sick and twisted ("inappropriate" and "overreaching" were the
actual words used). there is an actual no contact order to keep me from talking to his former therapist who told me i did the best anyone could have done (i won't forget those words anytime soon). i found another mom who experienced the same thing--her pre-adoptive daughter had r.a.d., and when she was hospitalized she was taken out of the placement and the family barred from contacting her. the foster mom was criticized for being too involved and attached.
children in foster care have attachment problems. Those children are the most likely to say they hate their foster/adoptive parents and that they want to go to another home, preferably one in which they don't have to be loved (they literally say this). Often counties and courts allow those children to go from home to home or be institutionalized, without providing any support services to reunite them with the loving, permanent families they don't want. It would be best for them to be encouraged to form attachments, but the foster/adoptive parents have no rights to contact once the child has chosen to be removed. is this right? the kids are willing victims. should they be forced to stay with the family that loves them? should the law be changed to give pre adoptive parents more rights, or should the older kids be allowed to say they dont want to be loved and go elsewhere? i cant understand the world right now. any help would be appreciated.

[kelceesmom]

No help here just lots ofr ((((hugs)))) coming your way. So sorry that this is happening to you.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by willow262003

six weeks ago the court decided in a matter of seconds they were taking my foster son out of my home because he didn't want to be adopted (but did want to stay---and there are other options, like guardianship or allocation of parental rights). i got one hearing, the judge was somewhat annoyed that i expected to open my mouth and speak ("keep it brief") and my psychological parenthood was dismissed as beyond worthless, actually wrong sick and twisted ("inappropriate" and "overreaching" were the actual words used). there is an actual no contact order to keep me from talking to his former therapist who told me i did the best anyone could have done (i won't forget those words anytime soon). i found another mom who experienced the same thing--her pre-adoptive daughter had r.a.d., and when she was hospitalized she was taken out of the placement and the family barred from contacting her. the foster mom was criticized for being too involved and attached. Children in foster care have attachment problems. Those children are the most likely to say they hate their foster/adoptive parents and that they want to go to another home, preferably one in which they don't have to be loved (they literally say this). Often counties and courts allow those children to go from home to home or be institutionalized, without providing any support services to reunite them with the loving, permanent families they don't want. It would be best for them to be encouraged to form attachments, but the foster/adoptive parents have no rights to contact once the child has chosen to be removed. is this right? the kids are willing victims. should they be forced to stay with the family that loves them? should the law be changed to give pre adoptive parents more rights, or should the older kids be allowed to say they dont want to be loved and go elsewhere? i cant understand the world right now. any help would be appreciated.

I saw a thread today (25th) and I so wanted to try and find it again for you, as it was about a Dutch couple who adopted a child for 7 years only to hand her back into the system and they live in Hong Kong and the newspapers reported it as their returning the child because she 'didn't eat their food'. None of the members commenting on the situation were taken in by the 'food' bit and it drew enormous response from mothers with RAD children. I just wish I could find it, as there are plenty of posters there that I feel could help you through this difficult situation (which frankly, after reading the thread I spoke of this morning, disgusted me that the 'system' can be so autocratic and so bludgeoning of parents that so want to help these children .

To say my eyes were opened to a world that I never knew existed was extremely humbling for me and to be blunt, it took my breath away, as did your post. I can't believe that the judge spoke to you in such a cold indifferent fashion, but why am I surprised? I worked as a temp to a chief exec social services in the UK (his PA had a breakdown) and the utter stupidity of the rules introduced hardly give credit to the people that administer and follow them i.e. social workers. Rules rules and rules. There are some very genuine people about both as parents and social workers, but those darned 'rules' seem to suffocate any attempt to make breakthroughs. Its almost as if we are going backwards not forwards in child care. The amount of parents that lost their own 'behaved' children to social care, whilst the RAD child was deemed unsuitable to go into care, and left with the parents because no-one knew how to deal with them........words fail me. I understand your frustration and heartbreak. You'd think the judge would acknowledge your attempts to make a breakthrough, not dismiss you like some idiot that had behaved inappropriately and overreaching. Pathetic.

I feel for you. I will continue to try and find that thread, but just to offer you some support until other mothers with more experience than I can ever offer can reply to you.

((((Hugs))) and warm wishes - you have soul, unfortunately, the system doesn't always accommodate this.

[Lorraine123]

Here is the link to the thread that Janny was mentioning. I too am appalled at the absurdity of the system. Hugs to you Willow.

Dissolution of Adoption After Seven Years!!!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

Here is the link to the thread that Janny was mentioning. I too am appalled at the absurdity of the system. Hugs to you Willow.

Dissolution of Adoption After Seven Years!!!

Thanks Lorraine, I've just found it after hoooj efforts. There is a helpful post made by Dadfor2 - you may wish to check out his posts.

sincerely,
Janny

[marythemom]

We're in a similar boat, but not quite as far along. Our 14 year old son has RAD (and bipolar, and conduct disorder, and ADD and PTSD and...). He lived with us for 8 months in an adoptive placement before we had to put him in residential treatment because he was out of control and hurting my husband in his rages (and terrifying the younger children). We have been lucky in that he is an out of state adoptive placement (NE we're in TX) so his caseworker has pretty much given us complete authority to make decisions regarding his care, but it is her choice - we legally have no rights at all at the moment.

If we had decided that we couldn't take him back home (he returns early January), we would most likely have no contact with him at all - his choice. He tends to love you or hate you. So far when he doesn't want to be adopted (he yo-yos often) we've been allowed to just wait him out. His caseworker usually just tells him to straighten up and accept the love we're offering. (No one understands RAD there).

I'm not sure what mood he'll be in when/if we finally stand in front of the judge to adopt him. Dh and I have discussed it and we are NOT willing to be his foster parents until he turns 18. It is too much of a liability risk for us (he and his sister have already been pulled once because of a child abuse allegation when he was accidentally hurt while my husband was defending himself against one of my son's physical attacks on him).

We'll have 6 months to decide if this is going to work when he gets out of the RTC in January (our adoptive waiting period starts all over again) - which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I feel your pain and hope the child will find a way to maintain some relationship with you. Maybe he will get a new, more sympathetic caseworker (they go through them often enough) who might help. We're lucky in that we have his sister (hoping to finalize soon) so we should always have some access to ours.

Mary
mom to bio kids T(8) and K(11)
hoping to finalize soon on C(12) and waiting for her brother D(14) to be released from RTC
If "that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger..." just call me Superwoman!

[willow262003]

Mary,
Thank you. I wish I could have his sister. She has issues of her own, but currently is in a placement where she is not being asked to work on them. She's not going to choose a home with more rules, rewards and consequences, she would rather be left alone. I agree on the liability of long term fostering. In my state (CO) they allow guardianship and allocation of parental rights as an alternative (alternatives the g.a.l. didn't bother to tell me about when he was saying at court he didn't want to be adopted). Now that I know about that I will bring it up if I am in this situation again. I just want to help organizations that are trying to change the laws to recognize foster parents and other caregivers.

[zebramom]

Willow, unfortunately, your story is not uncommon.

Foster children are moved all the time and the foster parents have no rights at all.

I lost two precious children that I am not allowed to have any contact with, but my family is. I don't get along with my family so it makes this even more screwed up. When K was moved from the home that he went to after us, we tried to get him back and adopt him. We couldn't. We had no rights at all.

Contact all the politicians and the media. There is a National Foster Parent Bill of Rights, but it's a joke. I've written several blogs about it. You can read them here. Foster Adoption Blog - Keyword(s): foster parent bill of rights

We need parents to advocate and fight!!

[willow262003]

zebramom,
thank you. i added your story to my collection.
willow