[fatcatcloseouts]

I am in the process of adoption so I don't want to mislead you that I am speaking from the adoption side but I can tell you my personal teen situation. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my dad was pretty absent and pretty drunk I found out later. Anyway, my mom never ever said anything bad but instead found good things to say about him. After all I judged myself by what he was. I idolized him all through my young adulthood. He hung the moon. That is until I became an adult and saw the trunth, he didn't hang the moon, he might have howled at the moon. Anyway, know that your children will too judge them selves by "who is part of them" but when push comes to shove, they know who loved and loves them. They will know who hung and who howled. Just hang in there and tell yourselve "I think I can" over and over until they are adults and can thank you themselves

[marythemom]

Birthmother dumped my 2 in foster care when they were about 9 years old because they were "out of control." Both my children "hate" her right now. We talk about why she gave them up (she was dumped in foster care for the same reason at age 14 and aged out).

It's very difficult convincing my kids this was not their fault, without running down biomom. I think we're finally succeeding, but now they are very upset and worried about the 2 younger siblings that biomom kept! I've finally talked to other bio relatives about stopping telling my kids about what biomom is up to (living with yet another abusive boyfriend). I hate that I come across as the bad guy for not rescuing their younger sisters when I'm 3 states away and have no control over this at all!

What's actually harder for me is that the children miss their foster parents! My RAD son especially misses the freedom and lack of emotion that he got in his foster home that was run more like a group home. He was not abused there, but he was not well supervised and took drugs and ran wild (supposedly - but he also lies). His foster dad was apparently into hunting and fishing and the outdoors, which my husband and I are not. We just keep plugging away.

Mary
Mom to bio kids son T (8) and daughter K (11)
still haven't finalized on daughter C (12) but hopefully soon!
and her brother D(14) is supposed to be released from RTC in early January.
"We may not have it all together, but together we have it all!"

[Bippette]

Fat - Thank you for your thoughts. Another poster told me that we'll be the "grandparents" he'll be bringing his kids to see someday. I hope so.

It's just my human jealousy that gets in the way sometimes. I'll be so glad to have this visit behind us.

MTM - Our J also says that he had alot more "freedom" with his Mom. And I can't get him to understand that didn't mean she loved or trusted him more. It meant that she didn't CARE what he did. But I can't say that to him. He'll have to figure it out on his own some day.

[lovemy6]

Originally Posted by Bippette

Fat - Thank you for your thoughts. Another poster told me that we'll be the "grandparents" he'll be bringing his kids to see someday. I hope so.

It's just my human jealousy that gets in the way sometimes. I'll be so glad to have this visit behind us.

MTM - Our J also says that he had alot more "freedom" with his Mom. And I can't get him to understand that didn't mean she loved or trusted him more. It meant that she didn't CARE what he did. But I can't say that to him. He'll have to figure it out on his own some day.

We phrase it a little differently. We ask the kids how much energy it takes to be a really good parent, one who keeps their kids safe and helps them make good decisions. We also ask them if they had a choice, would they rather feel safe and learn to make good decisions, or would they rather not? Of course they choose feeling safe and making good decisions. I hope this helps them to understand that I COULD be doing a million other things besides parenting them and teaching them, but I CHOOSE to be involved so they can feel safe and learn to make good decisions.

[MomwithFive]

<<We are now correcting her false memories and giving her the truth without sounding like we are attacking them. >>

I think it's best to correct the false "fantasy" thinking. I hear about too many bio families that like to "rewrite history" to make it something it was not. Facts are facts, they should know them, IMO.

[Twistwood]

I feel your pain, we have 4 kids, 10 miniature horses, 1 pot belly pig, 1 llama, 1 ferret, 3 dogs in a 4 bedroom house (the pig, llama and horses live outside!) LOL

[Bippette]

Awwwww....my kind of family. We now have two hamsters added to the mix, and one of them is an escape artist.