[mchll]

We are pre/adoptive parents of a sibling group, boy 6, and two younger sisters 4 and 2 yrs old through DHS, after 6 months of bonding B opened up to us about the sexual abuse from his bio-father. Then we have learned he has been abusing sister 4. in our home, under our noses, and even before they came to us. Very traumatizing for her, we thought it best to do emergency removal of him from our home. DHS and children's attorney, and Judge believe "in the best interest of the siblings" they should be adopted together, all or none. Both in separate therapy, we don't want to give up the girls, and want to save the girls from possible life long abuse.Only loving parents girls have ever known and are very attached to my wife and I, we would love some advice on best steps to take to keep the girls.

[lucyjoy]

This boy is only six years old. Do you think he truely understands that what he is doing is abuse? This is what he was taught. He may very well be able to work through this and never do it again. What do the therapists think about the kids being able to heal in the same home? Kids who repeat sex acts learned from adults do not necessarily become real perpetrators. Sometimes, once taught what is and isn't okay they stop.

How long has this boy been with you? What about his relationships and trust? I'm sure this is all shocking and overwhelming but there are options. Hope you can find the right one for these kids and your family.

[lovemy6]

I have experience with this with foster siblings. It IS possible for you to get help for your son and keep the girls safe at the same time. You need the child to get into a program for sexually reactive youth, where he can learn to empathize with his victims, talk about the feelings he has that he's covering up by abusing, and to bond to the family who loves him. It's a long journey to healing,but is very possible. I'll guarantee you that if you disrupt with this boy, he will flounder around fc until he ages out, get no help for his problem, they will get worse and he will continue to abuse.

[mchll]

lucyjoy: What if he is not able to work through it??? And does continue???where do we find the statistics on how many overcome, and how many continue, many variables come into play,(the amount of help, the quality of help etc...) Sometimes once taught right and wrong they still continue to do wrong, find ten therapists that say one thing I'll find ten so called "professional therapists that will say the opposite. What we feel (the only loving parents these children ever knew) doesn't matter to DHS, the judge, the childrens lawyer, they go by those decisions made by the so called pros. We understand the difficulties, we are just trying to help children that need help, but should a family live wondering "IF" it will happen again? "IF" it won't,?

[lucyjoy]

He told you because he felt safe enough. Yes, it would require a lot more work on your part to keep them safe.
I think this is way more common then you might think and that most kids can be taught to stop. Removing him because he trusted you enough to tell re enforced for him that adults can't be trusted. I know it's not what you want to hear, but the kids may do better in a home that has experience dealing with these types of issues.

Training classes where I live cover this because they believe we should assume 100% of kid in care have been sexual abused either by bparents, fparents, or other kids along the way. It's horrible to think about but worse to assume they'll all be perpatrators. A six year old in foster care is not likely emotionally six and kids do sexual exploration. If they've been exposed to or used in sexual abuse,it often looks like sex when the kid is simply exploring what he learned.


Can you be 100% sure? NO, but if it were me, I'd be concerned that the girls are also doing what the girl and boy were doing.

[mchll]

Well the girls can't do what the girl and boy was doing.(not possible). If I can 100% guarentee that we CAN provide a safe, non-abusive home for 2 out of three lives, wouldn't that be best case scenario, then to live not sure, not being able to leave the children together at times when older, you know the boy will remember at times what he did to his sister(no matter how much help he receives) bringing back memories that he may or may not act upon.Wouldn't a home where he is the center of attention (maybe only child) be best for him.? We still feel they should know each other, spend supervised time with each other, grow up knowing they have sibs, we don't feel that breaking ties altogether is the answer. We just don't think living in the same home would be best for the girls. I know this little guy is not at fault. But why put the girls in (possible) harms way for the course of their childhood?? Seems everyone is thinking only of the boy when , to these girls it does not matter to them if he is 5 , 25, or 55 yrs old ,it's wrong. You can only do what you can do. And I know I can guarentee they won't be abused during childhood in my home, no one else can give any guarentee at all if their stuck together during childhood.

[Lorraine123]

I find this entire situation very sad.

Its sad for the little boy because he finally had an adult that he trusted to share his darkest secret and instead of compassion, he got kicked around more. What he learned is that its best not to trust.

Its sad for the little girls. What they have learned is that if you trust an adult and tell something bad about yourself, you will be moved. So, no, you will never learn if they are sexually abusing each other. They won't tell you due to fear of you removing them.

This is a little boy who is simply recreating what was done to him. He asked for help by telling you. Its a shame he didn't get it. Its a parent's job to teach right from wrong, but this guy wasn't given the chance to learn.

If he was abused in this way, you can be sure the girls were as well. While they can't sexually abuse each other in the same way, they can still have sex with each other. And I would bet that they do.

If sexual acting out is this scary to you, then maybe foster care isn't for you. I have not yet heard of a foster child who doesn't sexually act out in some way or other.

Its the parent's job to get help for the children and keep them safe in the best way possible. Separating them at this point is very damaging for the girls as well as the boy.

[Lorraine123]

we would love some advice on best steps to take to keep the girls.

Also - I also think these children should be adopted together, so I have no advice on how you go about keeping just the girls. I hope these children find a family that accepts them all.

[mchll]

It is impossible to explain on this forum the entire events that happened that lead to the removal of the 6 yr old. When we made the decision to post on this forum I thought this would be the reaction by most but had hoped we could hear from people whom had actually been though this situation and not just from people with opinions based on thoughts or feelings.
We love all of these children and this has been the hardest decision we have ever had to make. We visit the 6 yr old boy regularly and everyday we tell him we love him. We go with him weekly to the therapist. It seems as though people don't think much about how the 4 yr old handled the situation. She was not doing well at all. She was not sleeping, not eating, wetting and pooping her pants, she would barely talk loud enough to hear while clamping her teeth, her hair was falling out. Since 6 yr old boy left she is doing much, much better. Before people jump to judgement or make statements about what the future of our family should be, they should have all the facts which would be impossible over a internet forum. Besides judgement is God's job and not some Forum Moderator.
We thank all of those whom truly tried to help, but ask that only those whom have first hand experience respond.

[lucyjoy]

I do have first hand experience and I think what you did is wrong. What you want is someone to agree with you.

[mchll]

No we are not wanting anyone to agree with us. We are asking for someone to tell us about the experience they have had with sibiling sexual abuse. You have not offered any stories from your experience, just your judgemental opinions. How can you say what we did was wrong when you don't even know all the facts. What we did was take a really bad situation and make it better for all of the children, whom by the way are doing much better.

[lucyjoy]

I think I'll keep my stories and judgemental opinions to myself. I hope the state finds a good home for these siblings that understands their issues and can help them heal.

[Lorraine123]

I think you are underestimating our experiences. No, I haven't had sibling experience, but what about child having sex with a pet? LucyJoy has lots of experience with this type of situation. So, we understand how hard it is to parent sexually reactive kids.

You wanted advice on how to best split these siblings. I cannot in good conscience give you that advice, because I don't think its best. Even if you further clarify what happened, I still don't think its best at this point. Even if you say the kids are doing better, I won't change my position. They are probably doing better because of the feeling of safety. But they would be doing even better if they could be safe together. I believe a home that could provide that would be best.

[manni28]

Mchll:

I think you’re doing the right thing by separating the children. Your job as a parent is to provide a safe and secure environment for your children. What others think shouldn’t be your concern. If this abuse continues, only YOU, not any of the posters, will have to suffer the consequences. Later on your girls may resent you for allowing their abuser to stay in the same home as them. Do you want to “deal” with that? I know if someone in MY home was abusing others they would be GONE. I know it's harsh, but we are responsible for our children, and I refuse to allow any child of mine to suffer abuse or be tormented by the very presence of their abuser( sibilings or not).

Sorry, it is what it is-I will forgo one to save the others.

Manni28

[Mommy24]

Good Morning A couple of reminders as I realize this is a very senitive topic. All posts made by moderators in a personal nature are made as participants and not as moderators. Also, please remember that we do not allow personal attacks, please continue to be respectful of one anothers opinions.

Thanks