[hope4us]

Our son is 8 years old. We have an open adoption. His birth mother has come to visit twice (he was 6 when he came to live with us). The last visit did not go so well. Lots of emotions on all sides, but mostly our son hurting because he misses his birth mom.

Has any one had an open adoption of older children?

How did you structure it?
How long were the visits?
where were the visits?
Would you do anything differently?

Any direction would be greatly appreciated

[Bippette]

We are in this situation

Our kids were 2 and 3 when they came to us in Foster Care. They were 5 and 6 when we adopted them.

How did you structure it?

For the first year we did not allow any visits. Only letters and updates from us. This gave us a chance for the kids to bond with us. Then we started with a visit at a public place for an hour or so. This was non-threatening and short. We did that twice in one year.

As things began to improve, we eventually invited the BD to come visit in our home for an afternoon. Eventually we also made visits to the home of the birth family if we were in town.

Now the Birth Dad sees the kids about four times a year, and this works well for all of us. He comes down to watch them play ballgames, etc We never leave the kids with him alone with them, nor do we do overnight visits.

Would you do anything differently?

If the visits are painful for your child, I would work through a therapist. Let the therapist tell you when to cotinue visits with the birth parents and on what terms. Explain to the birth parent that the child you share is hurting, and you need to do what's best for the child for a while.

[DianeScraps]

Has any one had an open adoption of older children?
yes - 2 half sisters, age 7 & 9 now, adoption finalized July 2006

How did you structure it?
We try and schedule the visits around an activity, either something the kids are in, like a program at Church, or going to the park

How long were the visits?
It varies according the the event, but max 2-3 hours

where were the visits?
Park, Church, McDonalds, Mall, etc. Never at our home (that was the suggestion of the therapist, and it also helps keep things seperate.)

Would you do anything differently?
Oh yeah, I would have insisted that it be clarified to birthmom, by the social workers, that it was our feeling that visits would only be at the best interest of the child. And I would have being very, very solid that ANY criminal involvement would have cut off visits until all criminal issues were resolved. Or at least at our discretion.

[lovemy6]

[quote=hope4us]Our son is 8 years old. We have an open adoption. His birth mother has come to visit twice (he was 6 when he came to live with us). The last visit did not go so well. Lots of emotions on all sides, but mostly our son hurting because he misses his birth mom.

Has any one had an open adoption of older children?

How did you structure it?
How long were the visits?
where were the visits?
Would you do anything differently?

Any direction would be greatly appreciated[/QUOTE

Our kids were 2 3/4 and 5 when they were placed foster to adopt. They were still having weekly visits with bios. After a year the bios were tpr'd. We went six months without a visit, then have had two visits a year since. For the last six years, we have met at Burger King. The visits are around 2 hours each. They meet with bmom, grandma and gpa.

In the beginning, we should have said who would be allowed at the visits. We should have said no boyfriends or husband allowed. We eventually did.

The kids have a hard time after the visits for about a week, then they're back to "normal".