[crick]

First let me preface this by saying I do NOT want this to be a “bparent bashing” post/thread. It’s truly not about that at all, strictly my own vent/feelings. So I ask any replies to respect our fellow members and not discuss bparents in general…only your own situation.

Last week I got an email from my kids’ sw saying that she is working with another family to place a ½ sibling of my kids. They have the same bdad.

I responded letting her know she was free to pass on our contact info to the afamily in case they should ever want to have contact.

Today I get a reply saying that bdad is now in another state and she had talked to a family member who said that all total, bdad has fathered approx 12 kids. None of the kids are with him, all have been in the system at some point etc. She’s confirmed what she can with other people, so this isn’t a case of a “disgruntled family member” or anything.

I read the email and just got so upset! I’ve worked really hard at seeing and portraying him as a person who just couldn’t get it together or loved his kids and just couldn’t take care of them. I’ve been angry at the abuse my oldest suffered from him, but I’ve still tried to maintain a sense of respect if you will of his biological connection. Respect is not quite the right word, but you know what I mean. (I hope!) I’ve never bashed him when talking to the kids, I’ve been honest with them, but have never railed on him etc. I’ve never liked what he’s done as a father to my kids, and thought honestly I’d worked through my personal anger over this.

But today…I just want to smack him! Well, if I’m truly honest….a cattle prod is more what I have in mind. I don’t understand how he can keep fathering children that he has no intention of caring for or even giving a thought of. I don’t think he should get the title “father” at all, and coming from me, who has really tried to respect that connection/title, that really shows you how angry I am. I’m a person who believes the government shouldn’t have any control over our bodies, but now I’d be first in line to give him a vasectomy. I had thought to keep my mind open for future contact in case the kids have an interest, and now…why the heck would I facilitate that? Why would I want my kids hurt by this knowledge at all, that it’s pretty clear their bdad is not a person who cared for them or they’d want to know? I know logically that it’s not my place to decide that…if they choose to search, then they do, but emotionally….gah! To support that will take every ounce of whatever it takes and then some.

I’m not discussing anything with the kids right now of course. I’m too livid and would likely say mean things about him. That’s not their battle; it’s mine. But…I also know that there will be a time where they mention or ask about him. Now what do I say?? The usual “he loved you but couldn’t take care of you”….I can’t say that. Not only would it make me sick to hear those words coming out of MY mouth, but honestly…it’s not true. And how do I still respect their connection with him? He IS their bdad and I’ve always felt that was a big connection and it’s THEIRS. But now…I just can’t.

Any thoughts?

[SingleMama2B]

I can understand this.... My bfather left when I was 2 and my sister was 4. Apparently, he had visitation with us for about another year or so, but my Mom stopped that as I would return 24 hours later wearing the same diaper, etc. from the time I left. Anyway, he never gave any child support EVER. When I was a senior in HS, a classmate came up to me, and said, "Your Father said to say Hi!" Now keep in mind, my mother remarried when I was 12, and he legally adopted us, so I have a real Dad now. I looked at her oddly, and she said, you know.... "XXXXX XXXXX"! I freaked out! Come to find out, he waited until I was 18, to send a message! Anyway, several years later, I agree to meet him (the first time in my memory ever). It was weird to say the least. I find out by talking to him, that my Sister and I have eight (8) half brothers and sisters by 2 other women, and he wants "HIS WHOLE FAMILY TO GET TOGETHER FOR FATHER's Day"! Freaked out my sister and I. A year later, out of curiosity, we did just that at my sister's home for a BBQ. That was also the LAST time either of us heard from him. Even as an Adult, it was difficult to understand our own feelings. My sister and I spent hours, and hours talking about this whole thing (before and after).

You are right to vent here and not to the kids....

[crick]

Thanks mama...your post helps a lot. I know it's my battle to overcome first so that I can be there to support my kids when the truth is known. I just wish it were a different truth for them. They've been growing up thinking a few different things and I hate for the day when the discover other things. Who knows...they might be a lot more ambilvient about it than I am.

[Mommy24]

Crick~ My 2 cents FWIW....My parents divorced when I was 13, my dad cared only about the woman in his life at the time. He made no effort to try and be the father we needed, it pained my mother to watch how it hurt me and my brother. She never said anything negative about him, she hurt when we hurt, she cried many nights about how he treated us, but she was very adamant that she would allow us to see him for what he was. When we asked if dad loved us she would simply reply with "He loves you in the best way he knows how", as we grew older and a bit wiser we saw him for what he was, unfortunately a very selfish man. I believe to this day that he loved us, not in the way we wanted to be loved and he surely never showed in the way "we" thought he should have. He died in 2000, I was there when he took his last breath and to this day I am still angry that he couldn't be what I needed him to be, I choose to believe that in his own "warped" way he did love us.

Good luck to you, I am here if you need a shoulder

[rsbg]

I can understand your feelings of anger here. My oldest son's birth father has fathered 4 children, he is not taking care of a single one of them. 4 children with 3 women. We are currently going through the process of having his rights terminated so my DH (the only Dad my son has known) can adopt him. He has already relinquished rights to the 2nd child and I don't know about #3 and #4.

I completely feel that a vasectomy should be required for him. There are 4 children born to this world that will likely have issues due to his abandonment. And Lord knows how many more.

Your situation would really anger me too. 12 kids, that don't have a responsible birth father, that is soooooo sad.

[Barksum]

((hugs)) Crick. Know some measure of what you are feeling.

We have some bio parents who just make me so angry at times, too. The one who steams me the most is the one who systematically neglected the child. Don't even get me started.

I've tried to tell the children only factual stuff and haven't delved too much into how the bio parents thought or felt since I don't know. Before you think I'm a tough old bird...so far, the kids haven't asked me about their bio fathers, only bio moms, and they have not asked how their bio parents felt. For some I've alluded to some of the emotional side by talking about how drugs distort one's brain and make it so that there is no rational thinking. (only in age appropriate language) The bio parent wasn't really thinking, wasn't able to think/plan so they didn't do anything that they needed to do to take care of themselves or the child.

Between our 4 adopted children there are 13-15 other sibs/half-sibs on the bio moms' sides alone. I don't have much info on the bio dads' sides, but there are a few that I know of there, too. Two of the bio moms are still young and are continuing to have children. I can't even keep track of how many of the children were removed at birth and never resided with either bio parent or any of the sibs.

Talk about heartache.

[skirbo]

Gotta say I really wish that, after a certain number of children have been permanently removed from the care of a particular parent, we could do mandatory sterilization. I know, I know, civil rights, but still... the poor kids.

We have a new case in our system where the father has 29 children with more than a dozen women. No joke. Unbelievable.

Sarah

[crick]

I've calmed down some....now just really more sad than mad. (kinda...lol!)

I just had this idea in my head for approx 5 years now that he really loved the kids and just couldn't take care of them. That drugs made him abuse my oldest and he was a person that needed help etc. I felt sorry for him really. Felt sorry that he lost his children etc.

So now I kind of feel like I wasted a lot of time and energy thinking about him over the years, giving him "credit/respect" where really none was due. I feel like he didn't have a care in the world for these beautiful most awesome kids at all. And yes, I know how selfish it all sounds...the "I can't believe I wasted any positivity on this man".

I guess I just really wanted to hold onto those positive thoughts. That eventhough my kids were neglected, there was love. Not that love conquers all, or that they shouldn't have had to suffer the neglect they did, just that the hope that there was love there made it different somehow. Hard to explain really...

Thanks for the posts...

[DianeScraps]

Crick -

I understand!

I fretted, raved, fussed and more about my girls birthdads who they had very little info one. But I knew that their were half siblings - one of them many half siblings all with different moms.

Not to long ago we were talking about family relations and I mentione that they each had 1/2 siblings and the childrens approximate ages (didn't pull out my notes at the time). Both girls really took it in stride, and the 9 yr old really eased the mood, she rolled her eyes, looked at the 6 yr old and said "dang, your birthdad was BUSY!" We couldn't deny it, 6 yr old said 'yeah that is a lot of diapers' LOL

We can't change it, just like I can't change my MIL - ya know?

hugs!

Diane

[jackiesbooks]

My first set of foster children - were 2 out of 10. None of them being raised by Mom or Dad. Very Sad.

[Barksum]

DianeScraps, your last comment about not being able to change it is SO TRUE. I'd fussed and fussed for ages because I wanted to maintain and do what I could regarding bio family relationships. But the bottom line is, I can't change it. That's just the way it is, and all we can do is go forward.

[bethy724]

I am so thankful that we have a place to vent our frustrations & glad you posted this topic. I am very conflicted with the love & gratitude for the birth of my adopted son but absolutly disgusted with what brought him in the foster care system. I try to remember "hate the sin, not the sinner" if that at all helps.

[crick]

It's funny you say hate the sin and not the sinner because I had it flip flopped for so long! lol. Always hated what brought my kids into foster care but never hated their first parents. Now I find myself kind of hating their bdad though. Which honestly is stupid because why I feel the need to even give him a thought is beyond me. It is what it is, right? Meaning, it takes an awful lot of energy to hate someone and it's not worth it for me to invest that much time and energy.

Like several have said...can't change it. I'll just keep making voodoo dolls and walking around muttering and cussing while the kids are at school. Get it out of my system.. KIDDING! LOL!

[SAHmom]

crick, I have a brother - ugh! - that has four children...none that he still retains rights to or have anything to do with. In fact, one of them is my son now. It's sad as we don't get to see the other ones due to the circumstances. It is actually our son that will make remarks regarding his birthdad {my brother} and how he keeps having kids he doesn't take care of...he says that about his birthmom, too, that has four other children.

There are times that I am upset with my brother and the way he is, but I understand that there is nothing I can do to change him...and I have *tried* talking to him, too! Anyhow, just keep those voodoo dolls.