[musicfan1]

I spoke to my local DFACS office about adopting and they basically told me it can be risky for the birth child. MY husband and I can have other children but are choosing to adopt an older child since there are so many out there in the system. I also am looking at the website photolistings, and was told by DFACS the kids are problem children if on these sites....think that is true, if so, then how do you find a child?

[kretzklan]

What a negative statement they made to you. All children coming from foster care, institutionalized setting (orphanages or group homes) both from the US and outside of it will have problems. There are children that can be placed in your home. I guess my first move would be to find someone else to work with.

[jackiesbooks]

How old is your chikd at home. I think you will find most people will say stay with a child younger then your children in your home.

[mrsred]

Don't let the worker discourage you! We have one biological child and two adopted, and are looking to adopt one more! When we started the process our bio son was 8. Our first match came when he was 8 1/2 and the boy was five. We finalized that adoption in Nov 05. Our next match came right around our bio sons 10th birthday, with a 9 1/2 year old girl. We finalized her adoption last December! Neither of these kids were from photo listings. But, it sure doesn't hurt to look! Its sort of like when you are buying a house ... you may see houses on the realty listing websites, then when you go look at the house you realize it is not the house you are looking for, or the house is already sold, but you hook up with an agent that shows you a different house and that one IS the one! Not that I am calling these kids houses, or a commodity... besides, our house we are in now was one we found on line! Please, nobody blast me for being insensitive.
Anyway, my point is that you certainly can adopt from the foster system if you have a bio child - even if you are physically able to give birth to more. They do recommend, and I agree that you keep birth order. And by all means, look at the kids you see on the waiting children websites, and if you see a possibility pursue it. Just know that for every child you see on a website there are others that are not posted.

[mommytoEli]

I always tell people to not only maintain birth order, but to adopt several years younger than your youngest. Also, I think all children have the potential to be "problem children," it just depends on the day haha....anyway, for real, I adopted 2 older children, at the same time I adopted a baby. They are about 9 years apart.....dd was totally abusive to the baby, anytime she got a chance, she hurt him. I learned very quickly to keep them seperated and not leave them in a room together, unattended.

I am just saying, You need to be cautious. dd was a total charming sweet girl when she moved in.....it took her a while to show her true colors. But once she did, we realized how dangerous she can be. I had NO idea. We didn't want to give up on her, but in order to keep everyone else in the house safe, we work overtime everyday. It is hard. I am always tired. Not only does she have emotional problems that drive me within an inch of sanity everyday, she also attempts to hurt the younger boys nearly every chance she gets. Next year, she will begin boarding school, for everyone's sake. It is the only way I could think of to keep her as part of a family AND keep the younger boys safe. Honestly, NOW, I think she should have been the youngest member of the family. I think she would have done better, and she would not have been able to physically abuse members of the family. I have a few friends who have also adopted older children, out of order, and have had similar experiences. I know that some people have done this and have been successful, but I would rather error on the side of cautious/choosing a child younger than your child in home already, then risk getting into a situation where a child ends up hurt in your home.

In the end, you will do what feels comfortable for you. Just remember that your first priority is keeping the child currently in your care(regardless of how they joined your family), safe.

[musicfan1]

My son just turned one. My husband and I just attending orientation for adoption and next will be training courses. I was hoping to get a child close to my son's age, but not wanting an infant.

[lacy-talbot]

Having been one of those "problem" older children that come from the system (my mother was killed in an auto accident when I was 12, I spent 3 years in foster care and was adopted at 15), I highly encourage you to consider helping out a child in need. Due to your having a child (wether it be bio or adopted), I would strongly urge you to consider what behaviors you can manage and still keep everyone in your family safe. I am presently trying to gain custody and eventually adopt my nephew 14yo and niece 13yo. They were neglected and abused during their entire lives and have been in foster care or group homes for the past three years. I just found out about them. Due to their emotional problems, I would not normally consider bringing them into my family due to my having four bio kids (16, 8, 6 &2), but they are family and I can't just abandon them. I WILL be vigilant, especially with the three younger ones.

[musicfan1]

IT is a hard decision to make, considering my son's safety is my primary concern, yet I feel the need to help out another child who has never experienced true love and security a family can provide. Good luck with your own situation and you are a blessing to them!

[WhoKnew]

I also would encourage you to adopt an older child, but one a few years younger than your child. When you are matched, find out everything you can about the child from social workers, former foster parents, and teachers. And in the mean time, read everything you can on attachment. Some good boofs are Adopting the Hurt Child, Adopting the Older Child, and Attaching in Adoption.

I will tell you that there are days, maybe 10% of the time overall, where my older dd (bio) thinks her life has been ruined by this (adoption). Sometimes she seems even depressed about it. This happens when the younger one's anxiety affect her behavior and she becomes very antagonistic toward the older one.

But the rest of the time they actaully get along and play very well together. And the older one ejoys being the 'big sister' and helping and teaching her sister. Good luck to you.

[Howdy]

I had the bad experience of a 4 yr old foster child molesting my 9 yr old adopted-from-foster-care daughter. It took her a couple weeks to tell me about it, and she thought it was her own fault. It was very traumatic for her.

I would still like to have a second child, but it is so tricky, you can't really know what a child's issues are until you have lived with them, and then you still might not know what is going on.

As far as the waiting children, my county does not put a child on the waiting children websites until they have tried for a year to find a fost-adopt (or straight adopt) family from the county. So I would guess the children on those sites must have some pretty serious issues. I have noticed some of them coming back up on the site a couple years after I first saw them on it.