[mammahtd]

Okay, it is 12:15 am here and my two dd are still up. It seems there are some disagreements over sleeping arrangements (fans, lights, music, etc.) in the room they share. We are working on giving and taking but, sometimes I am the one doing all the giving (time, emotions, encouragement, consequences, etc.) They have both lost TV for 2 days, one being a weekend day, and are on the verge of losing music for the week as well as TV, and maybe crafts and books as well. I don't know how much of a fight I want to take on for the week.

All of this comes on the heels of a great Thanksgiving and a great day decorating for Christmas. I did lose my mom to diabetes in May (Wed. after Mother's Day) so this will be our first Christmas without her. I know they are having a hard time with that. They are RAD children who attach too quickly, yes that creature does exist. They entered care 2 years ago, on December 2 (I have big plans for Sat. including family portraits and full makeovers for all 3 of us, along with a surprise day trip to the mountains.)

I really think that being transferred to the adoptions unit, knowing that Dad relinquished (sex offender), and that Mom tried to (bipolar and in another state), as well as having 7 other half siblings that are also about 6 states away, is playing on their minds, especially my older one (14 yo). However, as we know, RAD and PTSD children have a hard time coping and sharing emotions and she has chosen to share with me by screaming at me and saying that she was doing what her "MOM" taught her. Now, I may be tired and emotional myself but, it seemed like she was insinuating that I was not her mom. I think that is the toughest part of this, beyond workers and paperwork and hoops to jump through, when we pour all our heart and soul into our children and we fall madly in love with them and then they turn around and find every way they know to fight it. Sometimes it makes me want to scream!!!!! And, unfortunately, sometimes I do. For the neighbor's sake I refrained tonight.

I don't know, I just wonder sometimes, what in the world have I done to myself and, when does it start being an enjoyable experience.

Thanks for letting me vent!

Helene
Single, foster (pre-adoptive) mom to 2

T DD 14yo
D DD 12yo

[gonateach]

I too am in the venting stage and wondering when it will change and become "an enjoyable experience". I just went through my third accusation of abuse with my older boy. (He's 7, adopted almost 1 yr. ago) I feel horrible right now, b/c if this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of his childhood, then I'm done. I don't know what to do anymore. I can barely talk to him. Wish I had some words of wisdom.
Right now I'm trying to remember what he's come from, but like you said it's hard not to take it personally when you pour your heart and soul into them to get rejected in such big ways. There MUST be a reason we have them, right? I hope your situation improves.

[dscarter]

Hello,

I am the mother of one biological eyerolling, everything I say isnt right, teenager.

First, let me say, its ok.. Although my son is my own and not adopted, I can honestly say that i had my fill.. I decided a new technique was in order.

I prayed and God showed me this awesome book and video. It is called Love and Logic. It works moms, if you have not tried this, do it.. It is so wonderful and it works!!!! Loving life now.. Sheila

[lucyjoy]

Life with RAD is not much fun sometimes. There are lots of mom's with RAD kids in the special needs forum. You'll likely find lots of support and suggestions if you post there.

Also Home has support groups for parents of children with rad.

[hotspice58]

I went through that but the term was "I wasn't the real mom. We fixed that. When they wanted something extra, I would explains that us "fake" (opposite of real) moms don't do that. Worked like a charm!!

[mammahtd]

Thanks for the advice and empathy.

We had a wonderful day on the two year anniversary of their placement. It was one of the best we have had. Then we had to get back to the daily grind. Some days are better than others. It probably doesn't help that I teach the same age group as my girls so, not only am I dealing with mine, I am also dealing with 51 others from age 11 to 13, every day.

I will definately check out Love and Logic. I am committed to being the first adult in their lives that has not made love conditional on behavior or actions. I'm not giving up. I'll look for anything that will help.

I think a great point was made about prayer. Ladies, I'm convinced that this battle is more than for our children's (heart and birth) emotions and trust. It is a battle for their souls and Satan can use their words and their actions to break us down. When I remember that it is easier to see why it becomes personal. That is the best way he knows to get to us. Lets make a promise to ourselves and our children that that will not happen.

Stay strong moms, our job is to hang in there and love them at their most unlovable. Have a good night and a great weekend,

Helene

[UnschoolingMama]

I'm agreeing with the suggestion of "Love and Logic" wonderful series.

Another great book on attachment, if you can stomach the abuse issues, is "Dandelion on my Pillow, Butcher Knife Beneath". Very, very good ideas.

Work on the attachment issues, all else will follow. Teenagers do NOT have to be "typical".

[JewelMarie]

Helene,

This comment got my attention: "It is a battle for their souls and Satan can use their words and their actions to break us down."

You are right that we are battling for these children souls.

I remember when AC first came home; boy did we do battle for a long time. It will be two years next week since we met and it took us until August of this year to stop doing battles.

I remember AC telling me that she was going to run away. I clearly remember telling her what would happen if she did it, ie, social worker, foster care, police. Then I add, please let me know when you go so I can pack you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, juice, apple and a coat.

Last week AC said, "mom do you know why I never ran way here?" I smiled, then she said, it was what you always said about me having to tell you so you can pack me a lunch. I knew that you cared then. AC used to run away a lot in foster care.

My darling daughter is now 11 years old; it is amazing how quickly two years go by. In that time it has taken a lot of dedication, conversations, screaming, and other intervention to get her on track. I am glad to say that AC is in that nice place now and I am enjoying motherhood.

Well, I am enjoying motherhood so much that we decided to go back for our second child. AC is more ready than I am; I am still asking myself if I am crazy to start all over again.

Parenting a child with special needs takes a lot of patience, love, dedication, support and plain hard work. It is never ending, but it is worth it when what we teach them stick in their hearts and we start seeing small changes in them.

Keep loving hard; we mothers are made for the long run. Dads are too.

Jewel

[leh]

Parenting is NEVER all enjoyable. Despite what the sitcoms try to tell you, each child is different and each gives you a unique set of worries and challenges. We have six children (3 bio, 2 adopted, 1 foster or I could say 2 typically developing, 1 anxiety disorder, 1 FAS, 2 RAD & PTSD). However, I have found that my RAD girls push my buttons the most. The best advice I have is to choose 30 minutes each day to just enjoy being with them. Pick something to do with them, set aside everything else, and do it. It doesn't matter if they join in or are difficult. PRETEND you are enjoying yourself. I've found that by spending time focusing just on them each day (difficult to do in a busy house), I actually do enjoy parenting more. Most of our conflicts arise from unmet demands and stressful situations. By setting aside time when these are removed, I give all of us a break.
Laura