[123green]

My family is considering adopting a (5-8)boy child throught he foster system. We currently have a 9yr old birth daughter. ANY ADvise would be welcome. I have purchased some books, and are reading dilligently. We live in FL if that matters. Thanks!

[123green]

ps. we are not currently foster parents, nor do we want to foster, we just want to consider adoption.

[frida_94601]

Hello, I am currently interested in foster adopt in the state of CA, my suggestion to you is to read in to as much as you possible can, the children seem to have a variety of issues. I am interested in a sibling group or individual child ages 2-11.. I a have a 12yr old daughter...good luck.

[123green]

HI, have you had any luck? I read the book "Adopting the Hurt CHild" and it has scared me to death! This is a huge undertaking!

[DianeS]

Originally Posted by 123green

HI, have you had any luck? I read the book "Adopting the Hurt CHild" and it has scared me to death! This is a huge undertaking!

Yep! Keep reading! "Parenting the Hurt Child" by the same authors - Keck and Kupecky - is a good followup to "Adopting the Hurt Child".

[hotspice58]

Educate yourself about attachment. Get an attachment therapist. I'm fostering but I have no bio kids. Get ready for issues at school. Find out as much as possible about the previous placements and why he's in foster care. Also know that SW's and CW's don't always know everything. Be prepared to deal with family members who have major issues.

[crick]

I moved your thread into "Older Child Adoption" as you stated you are not intending to foster, just do straight adoption. Think you might receive more posts in this section.

[zebramom]

Learn everything you can about attachment disorder. A great website is www.radzebra.org or www.attachment.org

Yes, Keck and Kupecky's books can be scary, but they are realistic. Not sure about Kupecky, but Keck is Dad to attachment disorder kids. He lives it every day.

Be very honest with your case worker about any issues that you are NOT willing to work with.

Ask lots of questions about any child that you are looking at. If you have any doubts, say no.

Ask numerous questions about sexual abuse. If you hear things like, "should be the youngest child in the house" or things about bedwetting that is not age appropriate, ask even more questions. These are warning signs of sexual stuff.

I could go on for day!!

[ajjhmf]

Another thing you can do is browse the forums (especially the special needs forum) and to get a glimsp of our daily lives. Some of the challenges we face. Sometimes even this littlest things can be a great challenge for our kids.

[123green]

Are there any happy endings out there? Thanks to everyone for comments & help. Its nice to know there are so many people out there willing to help!

[crick]

Well, I don't know about "ending"....

I adopted 4 kids from the foster care system. They were 2,3,4&5 at the time of placement. We have had some challenges but compared to a lot of experiences of others, they have been "easier". We experienced some attachment/bonding, food issues, insecurity, control issues, but no "extremes" I guess you could say. (no firesettings, animal cruelty, true sexual acting out etc.)

Overall, we have had the "happy" experience. I just don't want to give you a pair of "rose colored" glasses because I do feel the more you educate yourself on the possible situations, the more prepared you will be.

But yes...there are happy endings as you put it. I tend to look at it as a work in progress but mostly happy, if that makes sense? I think ALL families have their challenges, ours are just different and for different reasons. My kids are for the most part, just like any other kid out there and sometimes we have things to work out, but everyone does.

We can go for weeks/months without any issues, but some stay with us. It's a matter of getting to know your child and figure out the best way to help them.

I have a son who would binge eat when he first arrived. Just shoved food in his mouth and would eat until he got sick if given the opportunity. It's part of his survival mode from the days where he had no food. 4 years later, he doesn't binge anymore, but I also still need to keep an eye on his food intake. It's very easy for him to slip back into that survival mode and just plow into his food. So while it's not an "issue" for the most part, it is still something I continue to be aware of.

My youngest one didn't make eye contact, didn't like to be held, liked to be alone, didn't smile or talk when he first arrived. Now...totally different little boy! He's happy, friendly, loving, sociable and LOVES to cuddle. And oh...talks ALL the time! LOL! It did take some work though to get to that point. I did a lot of attachment and bonding things with him and it really worked.

My dd is 8 now and had a lot of rages/anger/control issues. I thought if she only raged say an hour instead of 3 hours at a time, we were having a good day! lol. Hasn't had a true rage in ??? honestly can't remember the last time. Still has some anger/control issues, but for the most part...she's a delight.

All of my kids are attached and overall, I'd say we are one of the "happy ending" stories.

[ajjhmf]

Crick said it great when she said ALL families have their challenges. Some just more than others. And as for ending... it doesn't ever end. Parenting is an ever changing journey.

That being said, we had a good experience. J came home at 4. He's social and attached and a very sweet, caring kid. But we to have issues we still deal with. And new ones that pop up as he gets older.

He could and did eat until he puked. We've made great progress there and he doesn't do that anymore. But he does still obsess over food. He needs ot know the whos, whats, wheres, whys and how oftens of all food intake in the house. My babies toddler grazing sent him for a tailsping.

He also deals with anxiety, attachment and nightmares. He is attached, but at times very anxiously. He still wonders if he will be bad enough someday to be sent away. Or if his new baby brother will literally take his place in the family. When it's bad he thinks about or works on a 'back-up' plan. It can be sad to see so much hurt and fear in my little man.

There is more, but I could also write you a list of the struggles I have with my daughters temperment and my son's sleep. Both biological, btw. Kids can be a handful... a handful of joy no matter how they come.

Keep reading and keep researching. Many of us on here would tell you that despite our issues, we would do it all over again. Although I'm waiting until my little ones are out of diapers first.

Blessings,
Jenny

[Michele81]

We are having our first homestudy meeting next week - hoping to adopt an older child through foster care in PA. I've done LOTS of reading on the subject - let me know if you want general info. Also willing to share our journey as it progresses!

[hotspice58]

crick: how do you move a thread? I'm clueless!!

[123green]

Please let me know how everything is going for you. Was your first step going to MAPP classes? I think that is where we start, to tell the truth, I'm scared to take that first step!