[MtnMama]

We were told a couple of weeks ago that we were in the top 3 families for a child, but they decided to wait a month and reselect. He's in a children's home that is reorganizing, and I guess at first they were going to try to place him instead of move him, but then they decided not to rush a placement just because they were reorganizing. We've been waiting for 7 months for a match so we were very disappointed to come so close and then have it postponed. I've been reading the posts here, and now I'm a little concerned that they are planning to move him straight out of residential treatment into an adoptive placement. It sounds like most of you believe children should be moved into a theraputic foster home first. Maybe that's what they did. I don't know. Anyway until I read your posts about that I thought the situation sounded great because he was just removed from his home last summer, had a brief placement with a family member, and then moved into residential because he was acting out. So to my thinking he hadn't been moved much so that was a good thing. Now I'm not so sure. By the way he's 8-1/2 and I have a 9-3/4 bio-son. Any thoughts?

[lucyjoy]

He had to have been doing some pretty serious acting out to land in an RTC and stay there that long at his age. I think you would need more information on the acting out and why another foster placement wasn't tried. Something doesn't sound right. Also, TPR done in a year? Did the bio parent die or was the child shifted in and out of his bio home over the years. Something doesn't sound right.

[aMarylandfamily]

... should definitely be the next step for this child prior to placement in an adoption home ... being placed in RTC is not just done - there has to be ample reason for same and you would want verification that he can function in a home environment ...

I would definitely want to see psychological evaluation, prognosis as well as past documents/diagnosis which required RTC placement and the treatment plan/progress to determine if your home and family can meet the needs (i.e. no physical or sexual agression with or against peers as you have another child in the home) and depending on the needs if your location (geographic) has the services required to meet those needs and the possibility of re-hospitalization.

[MtnMama]

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

He had to have been doing some pretty serious acting out to land in an RTC and stay there that long at his age. I think you would need more information on the acting out and why another foster placement wasn't tried. Something doesn't sound right. Also, TPR done in a year? Did the bio parent die or was the child shifted in and out of his bio home over the years. Something doesn't sound right.

The reason he's available already is the bio parents gave up their rights to him. The bio parents split up and the bio mom admitted the bio dad had been abusing him for years. She & her new boyfriend don't want kids so she gave up her rights to him & his little sister. (Best thing she could have done for them from what I read.) The father gave up his rights to the boy, but is fighting for the girl. The boy has had some behavior problems in the past which the parents blamed him for, but which I believe was the result of the abuse.

If we are selected for him, whenever they get around to selecting a family for him again, I'll be sure to ask a lot of questions about why he was placed in RTC instead of another foster home after the relative placement failed.

I'm getting so discouraged. It seems like the only kids available have very serious issues. They've tried to give us two different ones that have been sexually abuse. At least that's not this boy's problem.

It's not that I don't expect problems. I've read several adoption attachment books and I've been reading the posts on another older child adoption website for months. (I just found this site the other day.) In the beginning I thought we'd take one that sounded like he had no problems knowing we'd probably run into problems. Now I feel like I'm settling for one with problems with the fear that he has even worse problems.

[Lorraine123]

Do NOT accept a child with issues beyond what you want just because you are getting discouraged. We did that. We were so afraid that we would never have a child placed with us, that we overlooked issues that we had previously said no to. While I love my daughter with all my heart, it is so very hard.

Also, realize that you probably will not be told all about the child. Almost all older children have been sexually abused but it isn't always known. If no sexual abuse is a criteria for you, you will have a long wait, and then you can't be sure.

For a child to be in a treatment center, the behaviors must have been extreme. A child isn't put into RTC on a whim. Its much cheaper for the state to place them in foster care, so therefore, this child must have had such extreme behaviors that he could not live in a home. Not being a downer, just pointing this out to you.

Please do more research on this child prior to bringing him into your home. It sounds like the birthmom is blaming the birthdad for abuse. I doubt thats the case. If she is so willing to give him away because of a new boyfriend, I can only imagine what else she has done. He obviously means very little to her. This points to neglect, abuse and sexual abuse.

Tread cautiously for your son's sake.

[Faith65]

I agree with the above posters about the RTC and what brought him to that place. My fd has had 13 placements in the last 6 years she just turned 14 a week ago. Her longest ones where her first yr in kinship with me, her older bios, and my ex, a year in RTC and now 14 mos back with me. All others where placements within 2-6 mos.

Yes, b has some extreme behaviors, she is exshausting but the biggest joy of my life. We spend 2-3 days a week in theaprhy, now decreasing because she has come so far. We do theraputic parenting with her. There is never a dull moment. TPR is finally moving forward and we will be adopting each other.

I wish you luck on your journey. Go slow and ask all sorts of questions. Make sure your willing to go the long hall. I do believe there is a family for every child and vs versa. And yes, there are many poor matches too.

Keep us posted.