[jaenelle]

I'm posting this in a few different places to try to get the most response. Sorry if that bothers anyone or is against the rules.


DH and I have been looking on the AdoptUSKids website and there are several children and sibling groups that we are interested in. We are in the process of getting our homestudy completed for a domestic adoption -- we will probably wind up with an infant but we have said we would accept children up to 6, I believe. We'd be able to take a sibling group of up to 3 girls, or up to 3 boys, or a boy/girl set, assuming two of the girls could share a room and the boy and girl couldn't.

I'm sure some of you have experience with adopting older children as I know there are people on here that have done this. Do you have any advice for us? We can't contact anyone about any of these children until our homestudy is completed, because that's the rules of that website. But I am trying to figure out what additional things we might need to do in order to be considered to adopt any of these kids. Would a homestudy through a private agency be an adequate homestudy to adopt through a state agency?

Can anyone point me in the right direction? Give me advice? I've had some people tell me that it's a bad idea to even consider older children, because of the emotional issues that they have. But let's face it, couldn't a child that we adopted as an infant have emotional problems?

I guess I'm just rambling, now. Sorry. I guess I'd just like to hear some experiences of people who have adopted older kids -- the good, the bad, the ugly. I keep seeing children on that website that look like they might be a good fit with us, and I think it's a shame that if we could adopt them and make a go of things, to leave them in foster care. But at the same time, I don't want my heart to run away with me -- I don't want to do something that would be the wrong thing for either those kids or my DH and I.

Thanks for any input.

[lucyjoy]

Some of the states will take a private homestudy, others will not. Most states require classes for parents wanting waiting children.

I would suggest learning as much as you can about attachment and the emotional issues that abused and neglected children face that a newborn would not likely have.

A good place to start might be reading Adopting the Hurt Child or Parenting the Hurt Child.

[sfbaymom2000]

Another book I like is Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray. Most older kids (even toddlers) coming from foster care will have attachment issues (which tend to cause frustrating behavior issues). It sounds like you don't have kids yet, so I would really do a lot of research before you take on a

Personally, just dealing with one 4 year-old girl nearly drove me over the edge for a while . You have to read, and say to yourself, how will I handle this WHEN it happens, not IF. Then you'll be lucky if you do not face that particular issue.

We are dealing with sooo many issues with our daughter that we were not told about - because the SW's truly did not know. Although it is challenging to adopt older kids, it is also very rewarding. I would abolutely encourage you to pursue it; just read everything you can about attachment issues and kids who've been through trauma, abuse, neglect, and multiple moves. Good luck to you!

[pez collector]

I would recommend "Another place at the table" by Kathy Harrison. This book is written from her perspective as a foster mother. I found it to be an "eye opening" read.
We have been hoping to adopt a specific sibling group from foster care for over 2 years. We are required to get our foster care license. You might want to contact your local agency to begin the process for your foster care license. Since we already have an approved homestudy, we only need to attend 24 hours of training classes.
I have learned so much from this forum, you have come to the right place. Please feel free to ask as many questions as you need to.
I wish you the best of luck.

[momraine]

One thing is don't be surprised if things don't move quickly. Years ago when we first thought of adoption we figured that since we kept hearing about all the kids waiting and waiting and the shortage of adoptive parents that things would move quickly. That was not the case. The first peson I talked to, years ago told me that she would not even talk to me unless I was willing to take children over the age of 8. At the time I had a 3 and 5 year old. I was not willing to take in older children because I thought it would be unfair to them and I had heard that the older kids who are troubled might hurt little ones. So we went to Russia and adopted a special needs child. This time when we felt we were ready to adopt again, I tried to talk to social services in our state about some of the kids on the websites, this time I was willing to go up to age 12. I got no response, not a single returned call or e-mail. I might have persued it, but got the call about a child overseas with a condition similar to my daughter, so we decided to persue him. I was shocked to get no response at all. I think of all the phone calls and stuff I got one person who gave me a schedule of classes. But that was after several calls and e-mails. What I learned here was that you can go to a private agency that works with the state. You are more likely to get a response. If you go directly through the state, keep plugging away, don't give up.

[sfbaymom2000]

Wow, that is so different from our experience. Everything moved very quickly for us, although at the time if felt like forever. We were even asked to consider infants, but we wanted 2-5 years old. Other families in our county have also had great experiences.

[LoveThemAll]

I have adopted five older children. My youngest was four and a half when he was placed, and the eldest was a week from her eighth birthday. So of course I am biased.

Older children have a lot more opportunity to be exposed to bad situations, and because of their increased developmental stage they are more likely to learn maladaptive coping skills and are more capable of mimicking bad behavior exhibited by the adults around them. They are also more likely to have been placed in more than one home and have an increased risk of having been victimized repeatedly, hence more severe attachment and behavioral problems for us adoptive parents to deal with.

There are less surprises with older children, though. For example, the degree of damage caused by prenatal drug exposure is more likely to be known, as are genetic disorders, mental retardation, learning disorders and developmental delays. I have also found that older children are better prepared to analyze what has happened to them and use the information they gain to make better choices for themselves. What I loved best about my older children is that they had obtained much of their personalities. When we met, I was able to get to know them immediately. No waiting for them to learn how to smile, how to communicate.

In looking for an older child, I recommend simply seeking those who have shown the ability and desire to take their bad experiences and turn them into strengths. All of my children have taken the lemons life handed them and made lemonade, even though I'll admit much of the "mixing" was done post-adoption. It is a wondrous thing to witness, and to take an active part in. As soon as these five get old enough (they are now 8 through 16) I plan to do it again.

PS: I have to say it. Being a victim of sexual abuse does not mean a child will victimize others, though cautions should always be observed until you get to know them better. Also, history of acting out does not mean a child will become a child-molesting teen or adult. I have living proof, and if you take a look around you, so do you. (Statistics show that up to one in three girls have been molested by age 18!)

Bottom line: Don't let disclosure of someone else's bad behavior get in the way of loving a really great kid. Besides, the chances of finding one that has not been abused in this manner - whether or not the caseworker knows about it - is very slim due to the very circumstances that brought them to the need for a new family in the first place.

[scandi]

I agree with the others - educate yourself as much as you can. I have recently been matched with my second son and am still educating myself.


It can take a lot of time so prepare yourself.

And yes, there is always a chance for emotional problems or other issues even with infants. Birth parents do not have any quarentee for birth chldren having physical, emotional or medical issues - no one can know until you have the child in your home the full extent any issues or lack there of.

Another book is "A Cry For Light" by Janet Alston Jackson. She writes about her familiy's experiences in adopting their two children, the system and schools etc with her children - one who had some pretty sereve special needs but that they didn't know when he was placed at age 3.

hope that helps -just my thoughts

[tjsjohanna]

We adopted two children (bio siblings) about two years ago (adoption final last June). They were 3 1/2 and 4 1/2 when placed with us (we also have bio son - 10 at the time). There are certainly challenges that you don't have with infants - you don't get to establish your own expectations from the beginning. You have established behaviors that you have to work with. You also have some trauma that has to be dealt with. However, we have had a successful two years. The 4 1/2 has had more challenges - he has had multiple diagnoses but my gut feeling is that he is just coping with losing his birth mother. Gradually his behaviors have improved and generally speaking we are a normal family. I would recommend lots of reading so you are aware of all the possibilities that await you. As a mother of a 10 year old, I thought I understood parenting pretty well, but having three kids was a shock to the system. Don't be surprised to feel yourself being stretched to the limit. But have faith that you can do it! Also, our experience was pretty quick. We went through a private agency that does all kinds of adoptions. They worked directly with the state and did the match for us. From start to placement was about five months.