[nikkib365]

It has been almost two months since dd and ds have been home with us. They are doing great in school and have adjusted well there. This week, however, my son has been getting check marks on his behavior in class. So I explained to him why it is important that he maintain his good conduct and left it at that since he has been doing so well for the most part. Well, he kept mentioning how he knew how disappointed I was with him so I told him that I am not making a big deal about it because he has been doing so well and I know that he will do better next week. So he mentioned it again and I sensed that he needed to talk. So I took him and put him on my lap and asked him why did he think he was acting up in school and he said, I just have things on my mind. So when I asked him what, he shrugged his shoulders. So I gently asked him was he missing anybody and he started to cry and said, I miss the P.'s (his foster parents, who he and his sister had been with for 18 months). So I told him that I understood what it felt like to miss someone you love so much and I reminded him how much I miss my other children who died and that it is okay to be sad or even angry and frustrated.

I then asked him did he think that I would be upset to know that he was sad because he missed them and he said yes. So I asked him did he think that I loved him and his sister any less because I am sad because I miss my other children and he said no, so I told him that I can understand that he is sad too. He then broke down and sobbed. It cut my heart to pieces, but I am so glad he is able to grieve. He talks about how much he misses his bio family too. So I asked him did he understand why his fp didn't adopt him and his sister. (I know they explained to them why). He shrugged his shoulders and got even more emotional. So I explained to him why they felt it would be better for him and his sister to be in a family where they could be the only children as well as another issue that was involved, but it didn't seem to sink in. I can understand for an eight year old why it wouldn't. He eventually begin to feel better after I held him for a while and started tickling him and telling him how much me and his father loved him.

My daughter is totally another story. She is not able to express her grief. She is really angry inside and it shows when she is being very stubborn. I feel bad expressing how frustrated I get with her because her behaviors are not as extreme as some I have read on this board, but when you are in the middle of those behaviors it is so hard to be exactly the way you need to be at the time. I am working on empathy and not taking her behaviors personally. For example, I am dealing with control issues. Suddenly, she doesn't want to do her homework when before we never had that problem with her. She doesn't want to get up in the mornings without some major whining and not moving to get bathed and dressed. I am getting major stubborness out of her then when she sees that I have gotten angry, she does what she needs to do and acts like nothing has ever happened. Her behaviors that I see now are still a lot better than what she did with her foster parents, but this has taken me totally by surprise. I have tried to talk to her about her past and get her to open up. My son also gets really angry at her when she acts up because I think he feels that her behavior will make us not want to adopt them. I tell them often that I love them and they are here with us forever.

I walked in on a conversation between the two of them the other day when he was asking her would she want pictures of their mother and grandmother and she said no (and she said it with an attitude) and he was like why wouldn't you want pictures of our real family? She made no response. So, she asked me yesterday would I want to meet her real family and I told her yes, but they would probably want to take them from me if we saw them (I probably shouldn't have said that, but it is true because they did fight to get them back after tpr but she doesn't know that) but her response was, I doubt if they would. So I tried to explain to her that her mother and grandmother were sick (drugs and she knows about their habit) and that if they weren't addicted that they would have been able to take care of them but I don't doubt that they loved them. I got no response. So I employed some attachment techniques. I dropped the subject, rubbed her back and she snuggled next to me and fell asleep. It is really heartwrenching to see how badly these children have been hurt. Then I feel so guilty when I have gotten so frustrated. This is an emotional rollercoster! I love them sooo much!!!!

One good thing about both of them is they really know how to be empathetic. I have a large picture of my three biological children on the wall at home and they ask about them all of the time and enjoy the stories I tell them about what they were like and when I am sitting quietly my son (who is very sensitive about other people) is always running to me saying, Mommy you need a hug, are you sad? He has even expressed an interest to go to the cemetery. I am so not ready for that and I have explained to him that we can when I feel like I can handle it emotionally. My daughter is the same way. She can always sense when something is bothering me and tries to make it better. I guess we all have to continue healing.

I just felt like posting about our transition as a family. I read your posts all the time and they are very informative and I have learned a lot.

[PhoenixFish]

God Bless You for adopting older children in foster care. It sounds like you are very well informed about parenting and also about the issues they will undoubtedly be working through. I think anything can be done with faith and perseverance - and knowledge - read, read, read all you can and what all the experts have to say about new approaches to some of these things. I don't know enough about it but I am sure many moms here would have resources for you.

but most of all - my god, you are giving them love - and a home in your heart that will be theirs for a lifetime - and they didn't have to be stuck in the "system".

You sound like a very wonderful woman indeed and I just wanted to say so- and good luck! we all need it.......

Love,
Rachel

[1of2moms]

Nikki, are your kids in therapy? If they are not, it sounds like they need to be. They need a place to work out their feelings that is not as vulnerable is it is with you.
They may fear that if they say the wrong thing, you won't want them. And even if they say they understand why their foster parents did not adopt them, inside there is still some thought that they were not wanted. I think it took our son about 4 months before he was sort of settled, then another 2 before he really felt safe.
Good luck

[tybeemarie]

Nikki,

It's a shock when the honeymoon's over, isn't it? Sounds like things are going quite well, though, all things considered. Still, I know how irritating it can be when kids decide they want to go for control battles, as it seems that your daughter might be doing with the homework and the getting ready in the morning. Before I had kids, I had no idea that homework would be the bane of my existence. I really like Love and Logic as a parenting method, it really eliminates control battles. You might want to check out the book by that title, Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Foster Cline. Learning to let go of the homework issue and letting my kids face the natural consequences of their decisions was a process, but it has improved life in our house a lot.

I am so sorry to read that you lost your biological children. What a completely devastating experience. Bless you for opening your broken heart to kids in foster care!

[sfbaymom2000]

NOt that you said anything indicating that this would describe your situation, but I just want to suggest that down the line you watch out for post-adoption depression. It seems to be relatively common with older child adoptions. I experienced it pretty severely, and am feeling much better with the help of therapy and medication. I was so overwhelmed and frustrated with dd for a lot of the past year. Looking back now, I realize that although she did (and still does) have real behavior issues, I really over-reacted to them because of the depression. The drepression was not just sadness, bur frustration, anger, feelings of failure and hopelessness.

Anway, hopefully you will not experience this. But for people who do, it helps to recognize it as early as possible.

Congratulations on your new children, and good luck!

[nikkib365]

Originally Posted by sfbaymom2000

NOt that you said anything indicating that this would describe your situation, but I just want to suggest that down the line you watch out for post-adoption depression. It seems to be relatively common with older child adoptions. I experienced it pretty severely, and am feeling much better with the help of therapy and medication. I was so overwhelmed and frustrated with dd for a lot of the past year. Looking back now, I realize that although she did (and still does) have real behavior issues, I really over-reacted to them because of the depression. The drepression was not just sadness, bur frustration, anger, feelings of failure and hopelessness.

Anway, hopefully you will not experience this. But for people who do, it helps to recognize it as early as possible.

Congratulations on your new children, and good luck!

I agree with you regarding post-adoption depression and that has been my problem the past two weeks. It didn't take me long to figure it out and I am definitely doing something about it.

[sues250]

Hi Nikkib
Also check if you have a parent support group- The one I joined was a life saver I meet friends that was in the same situation as I was and now I am one of the members of the group that others can come to with questions etc.
Feel free to contact me if you need some ideas I adopted my d 5 years ago as a single parent and went through some pretty bad behaviors. Remember it took a long time for the hurt to be instilled in your kids and it will take time to heal. Some old wounds will open when you least expect it. One example I had was my now husband of 1 1/2 years and I told her we was getting married and she broke down crying and said she did not want it to happen because if we married we would fight and then get divorced and everyone moves away. She tried to poison my husband to get him to change his mind about marriage. It was really scary for everyone. Please make sure you have the kids in therapy. She was 8 when she moved in and is now almost 13 and a wonderful kid we hardly have any issues that are not typical teenage things.
Good luck

This is the first i have ever heard of post adoption depression- Where can I find more information?

[sfbaymom2000]

One thing to do is do a search on Google for "post adoption depression". I remember finding articles about it that really validated what I was going through. I remember also seeing a book about it listed on Amazon. However for me, just recognizing it was the biggest step. I had severe post partum depression after C's birth, so when I first read about PAD (before we were matched) I was nervous about it. There is also a new forum dealing with this. I don't know how to do a link, but if you go to the Adoptive Parents Forum, then AFter Adoption, then Adoptive Parents: Post-Adoption Emotional Issues you should find it.