[akcskye]

My husband and I are a very stable, loving couple.

Yes, COUPLE of almost 11 years of marriage. Our home consists of 4 cats and 2 dogs...that's it.

We suffered 2 (for sure diagnosed) miscarriages, though I suspect I had at least 1 or 2 more.

That in a very small nutshell *wink*, what advice can you give to us that we can prepare for when your lives change due to adoption?

Thanks in advance! Please, share your story!!!

(OH, I guess it would help to mention that we will be adopting a sibling group from social services, ages 0 to 9 *preferably ages 6 to 8*, and range in size of 2 to 4 children, if this helps you to communicate your experiences.) Thanks!!!!

[aspenhall]

Realistically, set down on paper, your expectations of how a regular day would (in your mind) go.
Eliminate all but 3 things on there.
Babysit more than one child for a full week (I'm sure you'll have no problem finding volunteers!)
Turn on every radio in your home (and TV's too) to a regular voice loudness volume and ALL on different stations....leave them on for a week...all day long. Your agenda will no longer be your own. Your need for gratification and rewards after you have an accomplishment needs to be adjusted. Some times the rewards take a month or more. Have a plan for discipline ahead of time. Write down and hang on your wall ALL THEREASONS YOU WANT TO BE A PARENT...you'll need reminding.

Read up on Attachment skills. Be prepared to not like the kids very well at first. Figure out what personality traits annoy you in other people and how bad the annoyance is.

NOBODY can prepare you, it is simply life on a different planet, with a different language and diiferent culture. Dogs and cats give love and ask nothing in return. Kids are kinda the opposite for a while. Maybe even as long as a year. Don't buy too many toys especially all at once. Learn how to help your children develop imaginative play skills. Start buying LOADS of books and kids movies...those get expensive. Make a list of things you love to do and figure out ahead of time how to do them together with your kids. Get a schedule planned out, or ask moms in a future playgroup what their schedule is and write it down. A routine helps especially in those first few weeks when your life is turned upside down.

Don't let this scare you, it's just all the stuff that I didn't think about and should have. The responsibilty is staggering and your relationship/communication skills with your children won't come easy. They will be strangers, and so will you. Be prepared to not trust them at first.

[LilyMoon]

I think you need to prepare as much as you can for the possible issues that adopting older children can bring. Try and get as much background information on the kids as you can. Research attachment parenting. Read "Building the Bonds of Attachment" by Daniel Hughes (a must) and "Attaching in Adoption" by Deborah Gray.

Be prepared to devote almost ALL your time to getting the kids adjusted. Be prepared to deal with some off the wall behaviors they may exhibit. Be prepared that they may not be grateful that you have taken them away from the situations they now live in and may actually blame you for taking them away even if you are giving them a better life. The key is being prepared for the worst and hoping for the best.

I adopted one 4.5 year old from Russia over 2 years ago. It was not easy getting her adjuted to family life. She fought me every step of the way. It took a lot of time and effort and strong attachment parenting to bring her to the point of attached and loving daughter. I am a stay at home Mom and I devoted myself to her. I also have a bio child, so I had childrearing experience. This was a whole new kettle of fish. Luckliy, now, she is well attached and doing incredibly well in all areas. The hard work was well worth it. I am so in love with this amazing child.

Wishing you all the best,
LilyMoon

[akcskye]

GREAT suggestions, thanks!!! I have those books on order now, and am doing some of the ideas now in the first post.

I do have another question, too.

How long should they be in our home with us after matching before we start taking them around to visit grandparents (ours, not their birth gp's...more than likely there will be no contact, depending on the situation) and friends?

[LilyMoon]

We waited quite a while before involving extended family and friends with our child. It is important to get the attachment with you going first and see that the child has a sense of what Mom and Dad's roles are before confusing the issue with others who are going to want to be close. Also, we made rules with friends and family...no physical affection and we meet all our child's needs. Not everyone was Ok with this, but I stuck to my guns knowing what was right for my child.

Now that we feel good about her attachment to us, we have let up.

LilyMoon

[aspenhall]

I agree with all of Lily's post. and No sitters for long periods of time. For us, it was 1 hr here and there but that wasn't even tried for the first 4-5 months. Now, she can handle 2 hrs...and it's been just over a yr.

[crick]

I'd third the notion of not bringing around anyone else for awhile. And more importantly, when you do introduce the kids to other family members, I'd caution you on letting the kids' needs or wants be addressed by anyone but you and your dh. In other words, if they ask grandma if they can have a soda or whatever, grandma should say "you need to ask your mom and dad" and let you guys make that decision. Seems like a small thing but it's really important for the kids to learn that you are the parents and that you will take care of everything for them. Often kids do not realize that it's the parents job to make decision and that those decisions are what makes them a parent. To learn that they can trust you because they very likely were not able to trust their first parents and instead relied on themselves or any other person to get them what they needed.

On the sitter front. Keep in mind that you and dh are going to need time together away from the kids. It's very hard to do this in the early stages but somewhere in the balance of becoming a family and bonding, your relationship together also needs some tlc and attention. If you are adopting through foster care, there might be support groups in the area of other parents that trade off night outs etc. Also important too to know that most states have pretty strict laws on who is qualified to babysit before your adoption is finalized. Our sitters had to be 18 and over and shortly after we finalized they changed the law in our state. Now all babysitters have to have background checks done and approved by the sw in order to do child care.

[ajjhmf]

[RAISES HAND] I also agree with not bringing them around anyone for a while.

Of course, it's easier said than done. We found that family and friends didn't liek to be told to stay back for a while. My in-laws just showed up one day.

My advice would be to start preparing people NOW for what boundaries you will expect when the children get here. Write them down and share them with anyone you feel it's necessary too. Very few people outside of adoption circles understand things like attachment and such, and they take firm boundaries like this very badly. It's best to start early and smooth things over now, than to wait until after they get here when you have less time or diplomacy.

Also, it's a good time to start preparing people for the types of questions you won't answer (Like: Was his bmom an addict?). We told everyone that J's past was his own and when he was ready to share it, he would. But I also made it clear to not ask him questions either.

I hope this helps! Good luck on your journey!

Blessings,
Jenny

[Faith65]

Everyone made great points. We too did not let others close for the first couple months. We also taught family and friends about attachment disorders and how we heal them. DH parents where great! They would always redirrect B to us if she requested something from them. We have had B for 10 mos now and we all are still learning including B.

I also meant with B's new school and teachers before her placement with us. I sat and educated them too. This is a huge help! Even now I keep her teachers and support staff abreast on happening.

Keep us posted in your journey! Good luck.

[aspenhall]

Be prepared to deal with feeling "trapped" to some degree...

[NicNic]

My sister adopted two boys ages 10 and 11 a few years ago through the state. They had been through some pretty rough times... they "tested" my sister and brother-in-law to see how far they could push until they left them like all the others before. My sis and bil told them that no matter what they did "they were stuck with them." It has been 2 1/2 years and the boys are doing great...it's like they've always been here with us and we all love them dearly.

As far as keeping family at a distance...I am so glad my sister did NOT do that. She brought the boys to a family reunion 6 days after they were placed in their home. They were a little uncomfortable at first, but then they were playing with the other kids in no time. They were family right away. In fact...here is part of the letter my nephew wrote for me to put in our adoption scrapbook...

"My aunt and uncle would be perfect parents for adopting a child. When I was adopted they welcomed me with open arms and made me feel like I have always been a part of this family. They are very understanding and I can talk to them about anything."



Doesn't that just say it all?! Family is more than just mom and dad...make sure they know that too!

[bjolly]

My partner and I adopted a 9 year old through social services, and we also were parents to 4 cats and 2 dogs before that! Let me tell you, 4 cats and 2 dogs are a cakewalk compared to dealing with the needs of one 9 year old! know that it will blow all your normal routines out of the water, and it will feel very stressful until you adjust to that. If you're like we were, you will have moments of feeling very overwhelmed. Parenting is a 7 day a week job and it takes time to get used to that. Some nights you'll go to bed absolutely drained, and yet, when you wake up the next morning you're still going to be on duty again.

then of course, eventually you get into a new routine and it gets much easier.

for us, one of the big adjustments was having to be more organized and structured. Like having to have dinner around the same time every night.

I hope I don't sound negative - our adoption was the best thing we ever did. It just felt like a big adjustment initially. When the caseworker was preparing to drive away after she finished moving our daughter in, and she said "Congratulations! You're mommies!"....easily the most terrifying moment of my life.

Now of course, what can I say, our little girl is the best thing that ever happened to us.

[1of2moms]

The hardest thing for me was the noise. Our son talked NONSTOP the first 6 months he lived with us. He still talks LOTS but can be quiet, which he could not do before. It drove me crazy. We used to talk about how maybe our next child could have a speach impediment.

18 months later, he is a wonder. I do have to say that we had thought we wanted a sibling group and then when we learned the statistics about distruption being higher for first time parents with sibling groups, we decided to go one at a time. I am glad we did. Having a baby is nothing on a 5 year old coming out of 4 placements in 18 months.

Good luck.

[WhoKnew]

I agree with everything the others have posted. Read read read as MUCH as you can about attachment issues. These books can be scary, but you have to do it!!! Don't fall into the trap of "all they need is love". There is a lot more you need to do with these kids (attachement and discipline techniques, etc.). When you are reading, try to imagine YOUR child doing these things, and how you will feel. Be prepared to have a bunch of things (behaviors, traumatic experiences, etc.) come up that the social workers did not tell you about. There may be a lot that they just don't know. Get ready for a bumpy, but wonderful ride!