[080to132]

OK so here’s the story albeit the Reader’s Digest version.

Our Home Study was completed this past May and finally signed three weeks later in June. Naturally, we immediately began looking nationwide for children available for adoption that fit into our profile. Basically five to fifteen years old, preferably a sibling group with at least one girl, a group of up to four (Be careful what you wish for) and we would accept mild to moderate correctable physical, emotional, learning and behavioral issues.

The one difficult/painful incident was being selected for a brother and sister pair that we agreed to meet two weeks prior to the final TPR hearing. Our visit was great but you can imagine what’s next. To everyone’s surprise (except my wife and I) B-mom surfaced with a vengeance and a good lawyer. I’ll spare the details but suffice to say that another visit was a long way off.

While there were some good stories/learning experiences in between, we focused very much on being interviewed for a sibling group of four out of state in early Dec. We basically put all our other inquires on hold for nine weeks waiting for the Dec. interview.

Again, we had some unique (at least to us as first time adoptive parents) situations arise while waiting to be paneled for the four kids. Well not only was it worth the wait, these children that we were selected for have exceeded our wildest dreams of how accepting adoptive children can be of their “New parents”. To say we’ve been very blessed doesn’t give a strong enough impression of how wonderful these kids are. The “Honeymoon period” still withstanding, so many of the classic issues workers warn you about are simply non-existent.

So, there’s the background now to the actual question. We’ve had some of our family and friends approach us with the idea of a “Shower”, since my wife of sixteen years and I, have always been thoughtful of everyone else’s baby showers over this many years. The children are ages 9, 12, 14, 15. We’re certainly not fabulously wealthy and we do need a good bit of linens, and some furniture. Plus we’re doing a significant remodel to include an additional bathroom that’s a big expense. Obviously we are financially prepared for this and don’t need the help. But, we certainly would appreciate the return of generosity from the people we care about and having a big get together would be even more welcome.

So how’s does one throw an adoptive children shower? Do we register at Lowe’s for renovation stuff or do we let them pick out stuff for the kids? Do you have the party pre-placement or post-adoption? Any advice is welcome. I know this is so trivial in relation to the amazing thing that has happened to our lives. We know how blessed we have been and if nobody ever sent us a card it wouldn’t matter. But, we have been waiting a very long time for the blessing of children and a lot of our friends and family are as happy as we are and want to share in the joy as well. We’re just looking for the best way to do it. Thanks in advance.

[ajjhmf]

We had an adoption shower thrown for us when we had our placement. It was done by the women of our church and our family.

It was actually a great help and we felt blessed to be suppoorted by so many people.

We did do a couple of things to help the people throwing the shower and ourselves. First, I included a picture, description and "likes" list for them to put in the invitation. This also included clothing sizes. Second, we didn't bring the kids. It was overwhelming enough for us, I can't imagine what it would be like for them. Also, any 'big' gifts like furniture and such, were given to us before they even arrived.

There were nearly 40 people at the shower and more sent gifts without attending. Before heading home from the shower, I sorted the gifts in my car. Clothes in one pile, stuff for later in another and a couple of gifts I could give them now. Too much at once can be very bad for our kids.

All in all, I think that having a shower was a success for us. The mass influx of stuff was of course nice. But it helped because since they came in July, I didn't have to spend time getting ready for back-to-school as it was already in my closet. Also, many of the toys they came with were developmentally wrong or broken. We were able to slowly replace them and give them things that were better without having to spend time shopping.

I hope some of this helps. I know at first I didn't like the idea. I know people really wanted the boys at the shower and I had to field TONS of questions about them. But I had prepared myself for this and was ablet to deflect eveything fairly well.

Blessings,
Jenny

[Peggy]

Sounds like a shower is great. I would register at Lowes, or who ever throws the party can recommend a Lowes gift card in the invitation. You can also include the names, ages and likes and dislikes. Or keep it household, sheets, towels, etc. You will need a lot more of everything. Congratulations.

[leaabc123]

I think it sounds great. Register for stuff the kids need/ want for their new rooms.

Also, since they are older, consider asking for donations to start college funds (or just savings accounts).

[aMarylandfamily]

... friends of ours threw us a "shower" for two children placed with us - ages 4 and 7 - about a month after placement ... centered around the kids - toys, clothes, etc. which was great ... unfortunately for our situation the 4 year old's mental health issues were more than could be handled (and still are 6 years later) and some rude comments after our disruption 9 months after the shower about "wish I hadn't spent so much money on them" hurt ... so tread lightly.

[Faith65]

I would like to say, Welcome to the broads and Congrates on your new family! What a blessing it is when we become a family. I'm sorry I don't have any ideas about a shower though.

[080to132]

Thanks to all so very much for the great ideas, info and quick responses. We now have a lot of good stuff to go on and are more excited about the prospect of a shower than before. It’s so nice to have great folks like you all to share your experiences with us as we continue of this amazing path.



I’m sure there will be more questions, help and support necessary in the months and years to come and it’s awesome to know that such a great resource is just a mouse click away. Thanks again and take care.

[meowylyn]

Good luck! But I also suggest treading lightly...my coworkers held a shower for us and we received some negative comments/looks after the placement failed. The second time around (when things went much better), we kept things low key....

Best of luck to you.

[sfbaymom2000]

My friends threw me a shower, although only one actually thought of it (another "close" friend thought it was inappropriate). Sadly, people do view older child adoptions differently than a new baby. I've watched my friends be thrown showers for their first, second, even third biological children/ With every birth, they receive more cards, flowers, and gifts. But people don't seem to think of all that when an older child is adopted.

In my case, the shower was very nice. But then came finalization, and I ended up not having a big party (just family) because I didn't want the same friends to buy more gifts (even though I had given most of them both shower and baby gifts for each of their kids).

So, I guess one thought might be to kind of wait for finalization...which would also eliminate akwardness if there were a disruption. But you are absolutely entitled to the same expression of good thoughts, wishes, and excitement that every new parent gets.

I was very disappointed that after sending 60 adoption announcements, we received three gifts and an additional card. It is not that I was looking for the material things. What it is, is that you have a HUGE event happening in your family, and you want the people close to acknowledge that and celebrate it, just as they would a newborn baby.

Sorry to rattle on and sound discouraging. But I would warn you, especially with the ages of your kids, to not expect too much in the way of congratulations gifts/cards/acknowlegement. Hopefully I am wrong in your case. Congratulations on your placement!

[crick]

Our family and friends were wonderfully excited for us when we adopted our sibling group of 4. We had 2 showers, one from the family and another from my dh's office.

I registered at the appropriate places for what we needed and wanted just like you would with any other registry for a special event.

We did not have an adoption/placement party though as the court finalization for us was somewhat sad for my 2 older kids as well as happy. We celebrated as an immediate family and that was good for us. You should do what feels right for you and your family.

Congratulations!!!!