[roselee]

I have started the process of considering children for adoption.

Two children (unrelated) have already come across our paths and their social workers have been great as they have given us SOOOO much information regarding the children's case histories and the difficulties they currently face right now.

The children seem to have so many good qualities and I already feel a part of their lives because I know so much about them; however, my husband and I have talked and we really have to say "No". Their difficulties our just too immense for us right now. One child is age 5 and the other age 10.

This is so hard!! The guilt overwhelms me. I feel that these children are labeled and because of these labels we are chosing not to adopt them. We are essentially trusting in the labels. I am a school psych. by trade, so I have done my fair share of labeling and I know that sometimes labels are incorrect....very incorrect. You can have a child that was tested in the Mild Mental Retardation range prior to the age of 6, just to discover a few years later the child is in the Average range of intelligence. These children that I am talking about have labels that far exceedthe Mild Mental Retardation label....but still....I am trusting in the labels more than given the child a chance - how awful!!!

We do have a two year old at home, so we need to be extra careful!! Our two year old welfare needs to be a priority, and so the match needs to be just right or it could negatively impact both children involved. The last thing anyone wants is a disrupted adoption.

We are just praying until we both feel at peace regarding a specific child that may come across our path.

How do you let the guilt go???? I am feeling so sad right now. These kids deserve a chance! Who is to say that these children wouldn't be perfect in our home?? How do you know if you are making a mistake?? We feel in our gut that adopting any one of these children would be the wrong move, but it's just so hard.

Anyone relate???

[tmjbstark]

Only you can know what is right for your family. You have to go with your gut and know what is right in your heart. No one ever said it would be easy. Sometimes I think the easy thing to do would be to just say "yes" and go with the flow. But "yes" isn't always best. It hurts like crazy and there's nothing you can do about that. You'll know when the right kid comes along. It'll feel right. And just remember because one child might not be a good fit for your family, there is probably another family out there that is right for them.

[tybeemarie]

Roselee,

We had to say no to several children before our kids were placed with us. The first time was especially hard. I cried and cried. BUT I am so glad I recognized that that sib group would be too much for me. More than that, though, when we met them, we knew they weren't ours. We felt badly for them, but we did not feel like they were ours. I was afraid they'd NEVER get placed--sib group of 3 with the younger 2 having pretty severe FAS, and an extremely abusive past. Well, they were matched not long after we said no to a family who was THRILLED to get them! That's what kids deserve, someone who is thrilled to have them (at least at first, LOL! You'll get the humor of this after you get matched and your kids move in. Older kids are TOUGH!).

When we met our 3, we KNEW they were our babies. As it turned out, contrary to what we were told and what we saw on our visits, our kids have very serious issues. Had we known this before we met them, I wouldn't even consider meeting them. It is tough being their mother, but I KNOW I was meant to be their mother. It is very demanding, but we are seeing improvement in them, and it is rewarding to know that I am living out God's will for me.

Anyway, if you are matched with kids and come away thinking, if I don't adopt them, nobody will! remind yourself it's not true. If you obsessively monitor all the waiting child lists, you'll see that kids do get adopted all the time, and some kids have VERY serious special needs. Also, once you become more seasoned with sending in your homestudies, you'll learn that kids can have literally dozens of people submit homestudies for them.

You cannot save everyone! Your child is out there, and you need to hang in there until you find him or her or them. Do NOT agree to a match out of guilt. You could be depriving the child and another family of their destinies! It's so hard to live this life, you've got to be crazy for the kid to do it, I think. That's not to say that some people fall in love whereas others grow into love, and it's not to say that even with kids you fall in love with you won't be driven nearly crazy by their behavior. But believe me, guilt alone will not sustain you on this journey. Listen to your heart. If it told you these kids aren't the ones, then that's true and you did the right thing by saying no.

Good luck! Let us know how things go.

[080to132]

I agree with “Yes” is not always best. We agreed to meet a sibling group with the TPR not yet final (something we said we’d never do) and it ended up being a mistake. We actually felt worse for the kids than ourselves. We then waded through profiles until we found a group of four that seemed too good to be true. We passed on three children while waiting for the selection process for this group. As hard as it was to say no, we now know how much we have been blessed with our kids.



We can definitely relate to them being “Our kids”. Through this process we asked God simply to make sure we were chosen for the children he prepared for us and us for them. It took about 10 seconds to realize how He answered our prayers when we first met the four kids.



I like to think I’m a very rational and logical person when it comes to making decisions. All that stuff goes out the window during this process. Whether you call it your gut, your instincts, intuition, Holy Spirit, or Divine Intervention, you’ll know when you meet “Your Kids”.



We talked to a few people who also flew across the country to meet a child(ren) that they just didn’t connect with. Your kids are out there. Be patient and faithful to your search and you won’t be disappointed.