[nikkib365]

I have posted this on another thread, but I wanted to make sure I got a response so I am going to try this thread also.

We will be visiting our two children for the first time next weekend. They live in Texas and we are not expecting them to be placed with us until the early part of December. My dh and I have been talking on the phone with them every night. They seem just as excited as we are. I'm sure that we will all be nervous when we meet each other for the first time. How can we make it enjoyable for all of us? I would enjoy reading about any of your experiences in meeting with your child/children for the first time.

[crick]

Congratulations!!!!

Our kids were a bit younger at placement, but the the toughest time we had when meeting for the first time was finding a place to have some down time during the day's events.

We ended up getting a hotel room just for the day so we could go back and hang out quietly or play in the pool together without fighting crowds elsewhere etc. and really have a chance to get to know them.

Other things we did...went to the park, zoo, lunch and a children's museum. (not in one day!!)

We gave them each a stuffed animal when we first met them at their foster home and the first day we saw them was just there at their home, in their familiar surroundings. This really helped I think, having it at their house and having their foster parents there as well.

Since you've already had a lot of phone conversations with them, you are ahead of the game in my opinion! That will really help with conversations.

My only real "advice" besides have fun, is to set the ground rules from the get go on what you expect their behavior to be when out with them. Staying by your side, or how many feet in sight, manners etc. It helps let them know that it's not all fun and games being a family, that their are rules and you aren't just 2 fun people who will take them places all the time after they come to live with you. Which is also why I recommend just a small gift when you meet them and don't buy them anything else other than meals or activities. This way they don't start out thinking "Oh, cool! They buy us everything!!"

Again, congrats on your new family!

[nikkib365]

Thank you so much, Crick. That is really good information. How much younger were your children? My children seem to be really attached to their foster parents. They have been in foster care for one year and this has been their only placement. We have already agreed to allow them to continue to stay in contact with them, but how difficult do you think the transition will be for them? At first my son was telling his foster father that he didn't want to leave and be with another family, but when their social worker introduced us to them by showing them our pictures, he seemed to relax a lot about leaving. He even asked how soon could he be with us.

[crick]

My kids were 5,4,3&2 at the time of placements, so not much younger but the 3 & 2 year old made outings a bit more chaotic!

It's actually a great thing that the kids are attached to their foster parents and even better that this has been their only placement.

The transition for us was a bit difficult with the kids missing their familiar routines, surroundings, having new rooms, beds, and of course new parents! We kept a lot of the same routine they were used to in the foster home for the first month or so and gradually introduced changes. I asked the foster parents for a list of their complete daily routine, got specifics on their bed time routine, foods they liked or disliked etc. That made it easier so that not everything was completely new and helped them to feel a bit safer.

My dd did not want to come live with us at first and she did have more adjustment challenges than the boys. It does take awhile for all those adjustments and we did have some regression with all of them. (bedwetting, tantrums, insecurity, testing etc.) Nothing was impossible though and we got through it.

We stayed in contact through phone calls and letters but we didn't do any visits until about a year later. We found it very important to show the kids that not everyone just disappears from your life and even though you might not see someone everyday, you can still have a relationship with them. At the same time, we had to find a balance so that we could make our family bonding and attachment a priority. It sounds like their foster family will be helpful to you during this process.

It's been a little over 3 years for us now and we haven't been in contact with the foster family in about a year. Not because we don't want to, just that life has a way of keeping us busy! LOL! We do plan to see them over Xmas break though.

[ajjhmf]

Crick, as always, has madew some great suggestions. I just wanted to add one more. We gave J a disposable camera at our first visit. We wanted him to be able to capture his life the way he saw it. We also took a ton of pictuires as well. his room, his foster family, the house, yeard etc. It will help when after a while the kids start to forget details. Good luck with your visit.

Blessings,
jenny

[nikkib365]

Thank you all for such great suggestions. I will keep you posted on how the visit goes.

[aspenhall]

Keep in mind also, that they probbaly won't "loosen up" and be themselves during these visits... no one really will know how to act, even you guys! We went to a library and a park... but the best time was simply at my dd's first home watching her play with her brothers and talking with her first mom. A small hike to go "exploring" would be good this time of year... lots of cool rocks, leaves etc to find! Bring a photo album that you will leave with them that shows the house/pets/their room etc... other full face shots of close family members..... Find out which soap/shampoo/deoderant/hair spray and laundry detergent the foster home uses and use them for a few months too. Those largely determine the smell of your house and body and it will feel more like home to them. When they get to your house, don't wash one particular favorite item (blanket/ stuffed toy) that will also retain the smell that makes them feel comfortable.

[Mary a mom 2two]

We are adopting 2 children after being empty nesters for a few years. Ours were 8 & 10 when we got them last year. We took them to a park, went fishing & to dairy queen for lunch. We basically talked & had a good time the first visit. They are the most wonderful kids in the world & I feel very blessed to have them. Our birth children both treat them like they have always been in our family. We brought them pictures of their rooms, new house, us, new brother, new sister (our birth children), new cousins, aunts, uncles, grandma, yard, pets, etc. We put all the pictures in one of those 3X5 picture holder books so they could look at them while separated from us & feel more at home when they arrived. It worked quite nicely & they could show friends their new mom & dad & family. My sister in law threw them an adoption party after they moved in to get the basics & some toys and games for them. They really felt welcomed. Good luck to you & have fun with them. Older children need love too & be prepared to give them lots of hugs when they need them! Please feel free to E-mail me if you need any advice. Put adoption in the subject though, so I don't delete you!

[casstaylor]

I am a little nervous about this too. We are thinking about a 12 year old. We are caucasion and he is African American. Although this doesn't matter in the least to us, we are wondering if this difference will be a bigger deal to him. Meeting for the first time won't be a shocker because we intend to mail him lots of pictures. Anyone have any experience about how to address his concerns with having an adopted family that is not the same race. Everyone is always worried about the adopted family and how they will cope. I am really more worried about the older child who knows there is a difference.

Casstaylor

[reeseshaven]

We met our daughter yesterday for the 1st time she is 12! We went to lunch at Ruby Tuesday’s and then let her lead the rest of the way. Our 2-hour lunch turned into a 9-hour day, and her not wanting to leave. We were all very nervous at 1st, but after the 1st hour it felt like she had always been there. We had made her a scrapbook and left spaces in it for her to add her photos, but I sent it to her early. So for our first meeting I brought her a journal and pen from her favorite store. It meant a lot to her. Good luck and keep us posted!

[PollyFaye]

3 years ago next week we adopted three little children, Cory was 6, April was 5 and Mikey was 3.

The first visit with them was 4 weeks before they moved in. We met with our social worker at a park by where the foster family lived. The kids social worker and the foster mom brought the kids to the park. After seeing our new children (they were beautiful) and playing awhile on the swings and other equipment, the foster mom backed away and went to another part of the park. We had a great time playing with our children. Then we went back to the foster mom's house to see where they lived and played awhile with them there. It was important to visit them on their territory because that's where they felt safe. I took about 100 pictures with my digital that day and sent them to everyone as soon as we got home.

Good Luck

[nikkib365]

Our visit with the children this past weekend went very well. The children are so adorable! When we got to the foster parents' home, the children ran to us and hugged us and each presented us with a red rose.

The foster mom cooked a very large meal and we were really appreciative because we had driven 10 hours and were tired and hungry. This gave us a chance to be with the children for a while in a place that they were comfortable in as well as the opportunity for us to finally meet their foster parents. We had talked to the foster parents on the phone several times so we felt like we already knew them. The children's social worker and CASA worker was there as well. It was very heartwarming how supportive they all were and how excited the children were to leave with us. Everyone took pictures before we left and that was a great beginning for us. The foster parents' hospitality really made us feel very welcomed and we were no longer nervous.

The children stayed with us at the hotel for the weekend and we did a lot of things with them and they behaved so well. We could see the love between the foster parents and the children and it is evident that the parents have really done a lot in training them. We could tell the children were really trying to impress us and we finally got them to relax and they were very appreciative of all we did together.




I could not believe how well things went. The hard part was leaving. We cannot wait until they are home with us forever!

Thanks everyone for your support!

[scandi]

Nikkib, how wonderful that you had that experience. I also adopted in Texas and mine was not so wonderful. The foster parents refused to tell him that they could not adopt him and the social worker continued to refer to the foster mom as "mom" - telling me that it would be easier for him. (while I knew better without support I did not feel comforable rocking the boat - next time and I am looking for a match currenlty - the boat will be a rockin') It was not untill I had him in my home in MN did I realize how little he really knew about what was going on. He thought when we stayed at the hotel for the weekend that it was just respite and that he was now in a new foster home.

However, aside from that experience - my subsidy worker was awesome and I would definitely adopt from Texas again.


HOpe all is well for you and your new children

my two cents