[timhea]

I am so frustrated, right now. I can see exactly what is going on. Our adoption date has not been set, yet, we are waiting, waiting.
Our daughter is 12. She's having problems fitting in in school. She has a lot of unresolved everything.
I am so tired of the fighting, the standing our ground. I know she wants this adoption. She's just fighting us so hard.
Tell me this is normal.

[timhea]

I find it interesting that nobody replied to this post.

I think I am okay, now that time has passed.

Thanks, though.

[spaypets]

Sorry Timhea, sometimes posts get lost.

In this case, the post might have been better in one of the foster-to-adopt areas, older child adoption or attachment areas. Some more details about your situation might have spurred someone to reply.

I haven't walked in your shoes, so I have no advice, just good wishes.

[MrsSmith]

I will move this thread to older child adoption to see if that helps get you more feedback.

[Kerri-Jean]

As hard as it is, this IS NORMAL. You have my empathy and support! My daughters adoption now has no finalization date in sight and it's very hard on us all. And you're right that she wants it so bad but is fighting you on it. I don't understand all the whys, but I know that you're right in seeing that.

Hugs to you all,

Kerri

[alphamom9]

you say you're sure that your a daughter wants the adoption but her behavior says otherwise. Most AParents will say--oh okay this is "normal" but I can tell you that with two of my older child adoptions(Both twelve y.o girls who are a piece unto themselves) their behavior was the accurate predictor as to how well they would integrate into the family unit. Not all kids should be adopted believe it or not--some are far better off in long term foster care etc.One girl had such ties to her alcoholic father that she was desperate to return to the foster care that kept her close to him and the rest of her extended family. The idea that our family could (or would even want to) supplant these bonds was ludicrous.Please be humble enough to realise that even the best family can't fix everything and if you try you may end up truly truly miserable.It may not get better after finalization--it may get worse.

[robs_angelkitty]

I lived through being adopted as a baby, but my best friend in high school was in the process of finalizing her adoption to her foster parents, when I graduated, she is a year younger than I am. She was placed into foster care at the age of 9. She was in alot of trouble with the law and in and out of rehab. Untill she realized that her foster parents do love her, and will not leave her. She turned her life around, went to college, and is now a happy and successful business woman. Please don't give up hope. All your daughter needs is lots of love and support, and she to will come through this a strong and happy person.

[melon161]

I'm sorry alphamom, but I couldn't disagree with you more. I am a firm believer that there is a family for every child. I don't agree with long term foster-care, I think it's sad that there are children that don't have forever families. I have many reasons as to why I don't believe in long-term foster care, if anyone cares to hear my thoughts just ask. Also if any of you have heard of Dr. Brenda McCreight, you should read up on her, she doesn't believe in long term foster care either.

Originally Posted by alphamom9

you say you're sure that your a daughter wants the adoption but her behavior says otherwise. Most AParents will say--oh okay this is "normal" but I can tell you that with two of my older child adoptions(Both twelve y.o girls who are a piece unto themselves) their behavior was the accurate predictor as to how well they would integrate into the family unit. Not all kids should be adopted believe it or not--some are far better off in long term foster care etc.One girl had such ties to her alcoholic father that she was desperate to return to the foster care that kept her close to him and the rest of her extended family. The idea that our family could (or would even want to) supplant these bonds was ludicrous.Please be humble enough to realise that even the best family can't fix everything and if you try you may end up truly truly miserable.It may not get better after finalization--it may get worse.

Stacy

[locoenlacabeza]

I also disagree with Alphamom. I think that your daughter is testing your limits, trying to see how far she can push before you stop loving her. I have seen this behavior in even the best of foster kids. They have to learn to trust. They have to learn that no matter what there is that one person to fall back on that will never turn their backs on them.

[vetski]

Sometimes the kids figure thst since everyone else in their lives has rejected them that it will be easier if they reject you first. My son tried lots of things including peeing on me. I kept on loving him (some days faking it) and then one day just out of no where he ran up and hugged me. Things have gone up and down alot, but that was the day that we became family.

My son is only 4 and had 12 placements so this has effected him. How many placements did your Daughter have? This might have something to do with her behaviour.

Lots of love,
Yvette

[tybeemarie]

I want to second that new posts do get lost and don't all show up on new posts. So, I look up Special Needs Adoption and Foster Parent Support. There are some I miss.

Anyway, I have 3 kids ages 7, 8, and 10. We've had them a little over a year. They say they want to be adopted, and they ask when this will happen. (Answer: When the bureaucracy gets its act together.) Their behavior can be horrible, but they have attachment disorder, PTSD, drug exposure, etc., etc. What my kids have told me is that although they know I am not their birth mother or their former foster parent (both abusers and neglecters), they sometimes take their anger out on me. They will even acknowledge that this is not fair. But they do it.

Do they want to be adopted? Yes. Just as their birth parents' abusive and neglectful behavior is not our fault, their defiant, mean, crazy behavior is not our fault. Hang in there. Let us know how things are going! (I've got to say I'm not looking forward to my kids turning 12--that's rough!)

[scandi]

I agree with the others that long term foster care is not the option. I am a child protection worker and an adoptive parent. I can say that I have given a whole new perspective on the adoption concept to my coworkers with all that I have had to do with my son. I am currently working only 6 hours a day because I have to pick him up and take him to school. THis is because of having to switch to a school out of the district for the services that he needs. We finalized in March 05. He is still fighting it in someways. But he has also come along way in the past year and a half. In fact, (don't want to scare anyone) but most of his worst fighting in the home was pre adoption and outside of the home post adoption. The school has been absolutely wonderful in dealing with his behaviors there. I am constantly making changes around the house for whatever he comes up with next. Door alarms, frig lock, camera monitor, locked cabinet in the bathroom. This is all to show him that I am here for him and there is nothing that he can throw at me that will cause me to send him back to the foster parents were he was living. He can verbalize that the only reason he wants to go back is because "they didn't know my tricks" - when asked to name 5 reasons he wants to go back. When asked to name 5 he wants to say the first two are "you love and care about me" and "you are the only one who fought for me". Has it been a living he.... for the past year - yeah it has but the good times are starting to outweigh the bad times.

Alot of kids will "fight" the concept of "forever family" because they don't believe that that concept really exists. I would say to anyone - if they feel this is something that they can commit to no matter what then for sure fight for that child. THat is what they have been looking for most of their lives. Someone who cares enough to fight for them.

just my two cents hope it helps