[wenrl]

Our original plan, before we had T. was to adopt two girls, maybe siblings. Having been raised as an only child, it's not something I wanted for our own future little girl.

Then T. was placed with us over a year ago and we adopted her in April. She has done miraculously. Some minor problems here and there, but nothing like what we expected. She is a new child and we attribute some of this to being the only child in our family and getting tons of attention. We've been back and forth since then on the second child idea and wondering what would be best for T.

T.'s adjusted so well and we're about to move into a larger home, so the time seems right (although we can't resubmit our homestudy until October) to add another girl to our little family. T. has her own bathroom and an empty bedroom next to hers in our new house. She wanted to make it into her "dance room" and I thought it was time we tell her what we would like to use the room for before she thinks she gets 1/2 a house to herself. We thought she would not be happy when presented the idea of sharing the spotlight. Boy were we wrong! She wants a sister NOW and asks about when and how all the time. She doesn't want a sister in the room next door. She wants a sister in her room with her! She keeps changing the age of the sister she wants. Sometimes she wants older and other timess younger. Today it was a sister her own age, so that they can do everything together and be in the same class. I told her that's not a good idea, because even family needs a break from each other sometimes and they might get sick of each other. She said, "I'll never get sick of her, because she will be my sister and I'll love her too much." I think she should sign something with that statement now! LOL

Anyway, it looks like she is ready and when our 6 months is up in October, we'd like to get back to waiting for another child.

I wonder though, how does the process work the second time? We've done classes. We know what we need and what we can handle. We know how adoption works and the emotions involved. Is it likely we'll wait another two years for a placement like the first time? Will we go through a lot of the same things we did before with classes and paperwork and visits? The paperwork and visits are understandable, after all we're a bigger family in a new home and we'll be working with new SW who don't know us, but we could do without an eleven week course again. How do kids work into the mix with meeting a new child usually? Will T. be involved in the process or will we need to leave her behind to meet a new child?

I think T. has some fantasies about a new sister, like the never getting tired of each other thing, but how have your kids reacted when adding another. Have you adopted older kids from different birth families within a short time period? How did it work out for you and the kids that were there first? Tell me about your experience good and bad.

[dadfor2]

wenrl,

(you just keep popping up....lol)

I have no experience in this...

but i just wanted to say congrats....i think its great that you guys are thinking of another child.

what wonderful news.

GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!

[social1]

My husband and I have added a sibling. We adopted an eight year old boy. They told us originally that he would not do good with other children and that is why he was placed in a home with out his brith siblings. After his adoption, he began asking for a brother or sister. He didn't care if it was a sibling group or what as long as there was one child younger than himself. Nine months later we received a placement of a 5 yearl old girl. They have done great together. They have normal sibling arguements but nothing unusual. They are now asking for another brother. They think that all the space has to be filled in the house!!
I think you need to see what would fit in best to your family( age, behaviors, Etc.)
Each agency is different on meeting new siblings etc. We took our son with us to meet our 5 year old. It worked out great because he felt like he was part of the decision etc. He is a great big brother and he took that role at the meeting. She loves having a big brother which she has never had.
IF you have any questions PM me.

Kristi
Adoptive mom to 1
Foster to adopt mom to 1. Finalization soon.

[lambeausam]

My oldest son moved in with me when he was 2 1/2 and his adoption was finalized when he was 4 years old. The month before his 6th birthday, M came along at 2 years of age. This was definitely a placement from God. The two boys are inseparable and remind me of your daughter's description of her future sister. Since that time we have had three foster boys come and go - one school-age, two pre-toddlers. Little O arrived as an infant last summer as a foster placement and J arrived in the fall as a pre-adoptive placement. The transitions have gone suprisingly well. The only difficulties have been between M and J, primarily because they are fourteen months apart. I fondly refer to them as Pete and Repeat.

I would suggest something more than 14 months apart - at least one grade between them. M and J are in consecutive grades and I wish there was at least one more grade in between.

Good luck in your search!

Sam

[missw005]

Originally Posted by wenrl

Will we go through a lot of the same things we did before with classes and paperwork and visits? The paperwork and visits are understandable, after all we're a bigger family in a new home and we'll be working with new SW who don't know us, but we could do without an eleven week course again. How do kids work into the mix with meeting a new child usually? Will T. be involved in the process or will we need to leave her behind to meet a new child?

Have you adopted older kids from different birth families within a short time period? How did it work out for you and the kids that were there first? Tell me about your experience good and bad.

wenrl,
I moved from one end of the state to the other. My new agency accepted the class hours and everything I'd done already - so the new SW just updated my homestudy with my new home info, info about the town we now live in and info about her and her agency.

As for your existing child - my SW did ask him about being a big brother, what he thought he might like or NOT like about getting a new little brother, etc. But since your daughter is a lot older (J was 4 when I got Q), she'll probably get to say what she'd like - but obviously the SW is just taking it into consideration as she's not quite old enough to be making those kinds of specific choices.
When we updated the homestudy, a full page of the questions was about J and how he'd react to having a new sib. His strengths and the issues I thought he'd have with a new sib. I'm sure she would have asked him directly, but he was only 3 at the time.

As for her meeting the new child, I'm sure that would happen - but maybe not on the first visit. Her jealousy may come out in spades and that would make it really difficult for you and your dh to get a good sense of the new child and their personality/behaviors. Of course, this all depends on what age of child you're looking at. But I'll tell you this - no matter how much your dd clamors for a new sib - the jealousy will be there faster and larger than you can realize.

I will say, however, that many SWs prefer to do birth order placement - meaning that your new child(ren) are younger than your oldest child. Your daughter may say she'd like an older sib, but would she really give up being Queen of the Roost? I thought J could handle it - I was looking at a sib group before we got Q and one of the boys was older than J, the other was younger. But around that same time I had an older child for weekend respite, and I realized quite quickly that as much as he said he'd like a big brother, he really couldn't handle giving up being King of the Roost.
When Q came, J was really jealous at first as Q was only 1-1/2. But once J got to "help with the baby" more, that subsided a little bit. And he did ask a couple times when Q was "going back." But that's just natural with kids, too. I think the adoption issue can just exacerbate (not sure on spelling) the jealousy.

J did ask why the other kids from his former foster home couldn't come live with us, too. In fact, the day I met him for the first time, his foster sister came out and begged for me to take her, too. It was heartbreaking, especially later when I realized all the bad things that had been happening in that foster home. I've always wondered what happened to her.

On a funny note, our therapist suggested I dress the boys alike to help J accept Q as his brother and "claim" him. J is AA and very dark, and Q is AA and Asian, and very light - let alone with Asian features - he's kind of Tiger Woodsish looking. And that really seemed to help - until Q got bigger (he's a big boy, and J is really tiny) and people kept mistaking them for twins. Then that just ticked J off as he wanted people to realize he's 3 years older than Q!!! But to this day, they prefer to dress alike and want to at least wear the same colors, if not the same outfit. It's goofy. (And I don't know what I'm going to do when I get another child or a sib set!!!)

Hope that helps. Feel free to PM me anytime!

Sandy