[ProactiveMom]

When I read how committed so many of you are and how long you have waited to adopt a child—I don’t know whether to cry or scream. I only wish there were a more comprehensive way of matching waiting children to waiting parents. So many children wait so terribly long hoping that someone will recognize in them the child they always wanted. They wait so long that they begin to believe no-one will ever want them. We worry that this is how our foster son is feeling and although he knows that we love and care about him, we are not an adoptive family. We made the decision to foster special needs children in crisis rather than adopt and after 13 years and nearly 150 children, we’re eternally grateful to the adoptive parents (many of them single parents) that have shared their lives and taken our kids into their hearts and homes.

But here it is…the worry of what will happen to this sweet and gentle boy. His birthday is this month, he’ll be 12. Tomorrow, he is running in the city wide relay races after having earned his entry by having the second fastest time in his grade school, he’s in the 5th grade. He’s handsome, friendly and trusting. He still thinks paper hats and knock-knock jokes are great and that there is an art to bug catching. So what if he’s a little immature—kids grow up way too fast these days—but he’s thrilled to have a parent visit him at school, proud to introduce you to everyone he knows and never too cool for a hug or I love you’s. He’d run a hundred miles or read a thousand books to make you proud. There’s comfort in staying young, innocent and no rush to face all the confusion of where his life might go and worry if he’ll be rejected again. His previous adoption didn’t work and he was turned back because they didn’t grasp that along with all the enjoyment of having a child’s wide eyed adoration at being praised for even the smallest of things came the responsibility of understanding that his emotional need to be their little boy also made him less savvy at navigating a complex world without a guiding hand. He may look at the world from a different slant and his unique way of correlating information may look akin to Aspergers but he maintains a love of school, a hunger for knowledge and the desire to please his teachers.

I talked to his caseworker today and she’s hesitant to come out for a visit because once again she has nothing to tell him—No-one has inquired about him again this year. Maybe his write-up in the adoption books make him seem like he’s just too needy of time and attention? Isn’t spending time with your child, watching the latest PG movie, building science projects, keeping them safe and helping to mold them into decent honest people what being a parent is all about? Maybe people are afraid he’s too old to love them as parents? Don’t they know that he truly believes someone out there will see what a good heart he has and that they’ve been waiting all this time just to find him? Maybe it’s just too much to ask that he’d adore and thrive being an only child for the first time in his life. That maybe for once, he’d be the light of some-ones life after having always been one of many.

As much as it breaks our hearts to not adopt this child, it has been the only rule that has given us and all of the children we’ve loved and cared for all these years the ability to cherish the time we have together and appreciate it for a stage of life that is the stepping stone for the next stage—adoption.

As foster parents we aren’t supposed to seek adoptive parents…So we ask this:

Please look twice at the older children, they truly do know what you are offering and so many are hoping that you might see what they offer in return. BTW, single parents are very welcome in Oregon!

[honu]

Thank you for this post, you have a wonderful way of expressing your thoughts. Maybe you should be writing the summaries of the children waiting to be adopted.

The only response I have, as I am not so eloquent with my words, is that you truly touched me with yours.

I too struggle with "the system" and believe older children would be adopted sooner if it worked more efficiently. I have wondered why more states don't post more children on their websites, instead of just in photo albums. I've been on just about every photo listing out there and many state, "this is just some of the children waiting to be adopted". Why is that? Why not show more? Is it because the children on the websites are the ones that have been waiting the longest?

Throughout the whole adoption process DH and I have opened our minds more and more to the children we could accept into our lives. The more we learn it seems the more we are willing to say, "yeah we could handle that". I was so proud of DH after our PATH training when I asked him if all the potential problems were scaring him away from adoption. He answered without hesitation that he was not scared and thought we could both give a child the love and nurturing they needed to do whatever they wanted in life.

Anyway, thanks for all the love and caring you have given the children that have come into your home. I, as a potential adoptive parent, truly appreciate all that you do.

[ProactiveMom]

I wish they would allow us to write the summaries/sigh...
But, the standing opinion is that it should be non-partial...
this makes little sense when it comes to kids

[radkat]

Your foster son sounds like a wonderful boy, I'm sure there is a family out there just waiting for him. I know it's hard. Are you allowed to ask his teachers if they know anyone who might be interested in adopting him ?


Kat

[DianeScraps]

Well just plain and simple non-partial isn't working. I find it almost impossible to figure out which kids we should be persuing from the listings. I worry that I am spending to much time trying to get info on one child while missing the 'right' child.

Diane

[tybeemarie]

Thank you for writing this beautiful post. I will say a prayer for your fson. What a sweet little guy.

We've had our sibling group of 3 for 6 months now. They are 6, 7, and 9. They can be challenging, to say the least. But when it gets bad, I can remind myself, well, it's better than waiting to be matched. THAT was miserable.

And it really is. There is a private agency that has a contract with our state to find homes for the waiting children. I went to their office to look at the listings for the legal risk kids. They were so rude, so maddeningly reluctant to show me the books although THEY had sent ME literature asking for those training to get their license to come look at the listings, that I was actually reduced to tears, right there in the office. I had told them that this was not the service I expected, and that if I spent $30,000 and went to a private adoption agency, I would not be treated like that. Their literal response was, "Well, when people spend that kind of money, they deserve good service." I was floored. I told them that the children in the listings had just as much worth and value as white babies, and that they should be ashamed of themselves. They finally showed me the listings after I told them, "You know what? You win. I will not adopt a sibling group in Illinois. Which is too bad, because I know you don't have latino families coming in here, and I know you have a shortage of Spanish-speaking families. I'll do an interstate." Once they figured out I was latina, THEN they were not only willing to show me the listings, they suggested that I was obligated to adopt in Illinois "for the sake of the children." Maddening. After all that, I get the listings and they are out of date. They had run out of money, and had not updated the listings in 3 months, and didn't think they would do so again for the rest of the fiscal year. Our social worker called about two sibling groups for us, and never received a return call, despite calling several times.

So, we did a nationwide search, only to ultimately be matched with a sibling group that was served by our agency. I feel strongly that this was meant to be, that these are the children God meant for me to raise.

But it really is terrible how difficult it is to adopt children from care. My friends said, wow, if it's this hard, why not adopt internationally? I didn't, and I'm glad, but I can totally see why other people go this route.

God bless you for being a foster family and helping other people's adoption dreams come true. Your love and care are so meaningful and so sacrificial. I wish my kids had been in a loving home like yours. Thank you for your incredible life of service.

[ProactiveMom]

The primary reason foster parents aren't to recruit is partiality. Unfortunately there are people who consider this unfair to adoptive parents who have been waiting. Although when our kids are free (legally and emotionally ready) for adoption we do make sure that the school is kept well informed. They need to understand what's going on and be given recommendations as to how to deal with any issues that might arise as a result. We think it highly important for all adults involved with the child to be in a supportive state of mind and have consistant words/answers for the topics the kids bring up. For instance, in one case the teacher was so emotionally bonded with the child that when the little girl told her that her new family was coming next week--the teacher exclaimed, "OH! thats horrible! I'll miss you so much!" Now, we understand what she meant but what it conveyed to the little girl was unhappiness and as adults it's our responsibility to put the childs perceptions first. The perception that we want our children to have is that an adoption transition is just as happy and looked forward to as a wedding--it's a step toward expanding your family and progressing forward through life in a positive and accepting way. Although these childrens lives are often overflowing with losses, we think it's far more mentally healthy to focus on the gains and goals of today and all the days to come.
So much is dependant on perception of an impending event....It reminds me of the time my husband briefly took up skydiving. His buddies were gun-ho, the jump school whee-ha, the pilot smiling encouragingly and sure enough, my husband along with a plane full of grinning nutballs, all willing threw them selves out into thin air with not much more than the hope thier little backpacks would blossom into lifesaving bouyancy....../smile Now that's supportive group Perspective..

[ProactiveMom]

Bless your heart for not giving up. I must say that although (if only to keep the ranting at bay) my personal policy is to pity the rude and nonprofessional because in the end it's they who'll pay the price, it's nearly impossible to not be angered when those (thankfully few) people essentially 'cost' the children they are supposed to be advocating for. It truely has driven people away from state agencies which is heartbreaking because as you say most people cannot afford (NOR SHOULD THEY HAVE TO!) a huge bill attatched to private adoptions.

[1bob1]

ProactiveMom,

I just wanted to post and tell you that that was an amazing recount of a clearly very special young man.

You really do have a way with words, and while I'm glad you posted, it's unfortunate that you are not able to put it to an even better use advocating for him on his adoption summary. Most that I read sound so formulaic that it's hard to believe you are getting anything substantive out of it.

Anyway, thanks again for sharing that touching profile with us. I'll keep your foster son in my thoughts.

[leonablueyes76]

you made me cry reading your post my name is leona and my husband is william `les` we are 29 and 30 and getting things in order to start are family we have tried for almost 8 years to have a child of our own I have p.c.o.s, and had a near death car wreck jan 3,1998 and I have looked everywere and anywere to see about us and yes we can adopt we just have to start we have a few things to get in order then we are going to do whatever it takes to find a child. I have a 7 year old step son but we never get to see him not reasons of something we did etc.. long story well I don't have nothing else to say talk later

[lovemy6]

I'm sorry to see, that four months later, he's still listed on the website

We tried to adopt for three years before we and our forever children found each other. We gave up so many times, but I'm stubborn and REALLY wanted more children, so we persevered. How many prospective adoptive parents get too frustrated to go forward?!

The children are the ones who lose out.

[8isenough]

Hi Diane!
Read your post and just wanted to say that we adopted throught the PA SWAN program 4 years ago! We found our kids (sib group of 4) on the PA website. The process went very smooth for us. Took 6 months from our first info mtg till we had kids in our home. Hope yours goes smooth too! If you want, let me know how things are going! Feel free to PM me.

Diana
Mom to Jermaine, Jhalonda, Jazz, Tahira, Josh, Jen, Anthony & Antoine