[firepup]

Hi All: short background...my husband and I are 46 yers old, have been married 27 years, our bio children are 26 and 24. A short while ago my husband approached me about adopting an older child (he apparently saw one of those "Nobody's Child" specials on a local station). I was semi-receptive. I mean come-on...this was a definite shocker!

We seemed to happy and comfortable in our life....but he feels there is more. Well, we are starting our 10 week adoption class on the 4th. He now has a brother and sister he wants to adopt, 15 and 13 years old.

Why am I posting? I am just not sure this is something I am behind 100%. I am not against adoption (I was adopted at birth), BUT and that's a big BUT...what a HUGH change in our lifestyle. I am trying to figure out if I am ready. I guess the class will help. My husband believes in this so much. He feels "called" to give back for our blessings and this is the way. I will never tell him no, he is the most wonderful husband and father. He has lived a good, clean life and he really feels this is what we need to do. Am I being selfish? I mean we were beginning to peep through the retirement door. We just took our first cruise/vacation alone last year. I love him and wouldn't deny him anything. I am being selfish. Jeez...

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi Firepup,

No, you're not being selfish. I can understand both sides. Our kids are 21 and 17 and we're in the process of adopting our 3 young foster children that are 2, 2, and 3. Most people think we're nuts lol.

I think it's a good thing that you're willing to attend the classes with your husband. If, however, after the classes you still feel hesitant at all about going forward, please be totally honest with your husband. Perhaps you could come up with another way for him to give back. BTW, those were the exact words my husband used to describe us adopting. We love children, have had a good adult life and wanted to give back.

Perhaps your husband could become a big brother if you decide adoption's not the route for you. I was a big sister and that's an awesome feeling too. The boy could become a part of your lives and your dh would definitely make a huge difference in his life.

Best of luck in your decision.

Michelle

[firepup]

Thanks Laj,


We start our class Monday. I am not opposed to enlarging our family. I guess I was just surprized and am trying to make sure I know the real reason why he feels compelled. We have talked a lot and the more we talk about it the more excited we become.
I mentioned the Big Brother program, but he is not inclined.
Its a big change and I don't want to regret anything. I am in it with him for the long haul.
Thanks again!

[whoownsthis]

Would you considering fostering first? Or maybe just "respite" fostering?

We did our foster-to-adopt training (32 hours!) and received our foster license late last summer. Since then we've done respite care for two different families (3 kids in each family) and it's been great!

First, it's short-term (usually a weekend). Second, we really feel good about giving good foster parents a break when they need one. Third, it's a chance to spend time with foster kids and see if we can handle adopting.

After all of this time, we decided that we could NOT handle one of the set of siblings who will be available for adoption next month. We wouldn't have known this without having them in our home several times! But we are going to try to adopt another sibling group.

And I can tell you that my husband wasn't totally behind the idea of foster care to begin with--he just wanted to adopt a single child, as young as possible. Once you experience working with the foster kids, it gives you a better sense of what they're going through, and it does often open your heart more.

Just a thought (respite, that is)!

[tybeemarie]

I think it is wonderful how you are open to attending the classes, that you did the research to find this site, that you are honest about your feelings, that you are trying to realistically assess what this means in terms of your lifestyle and plans.

Adopting older children is very challenging, as a review of the postings on these forums demonstrates very clearly. Most people I know who did this did so in response to feeling called by God to do so. Which is good, because it is a totally life-altering decision. You need that level of commitment, because the kids will test you and test you and test you. You will learn things about yourself you never dreamed of, including your capacity for rage and frustration. That is a very real part of this experience. But, you have a lot of incredible experiences and have the opportunity to enrich a child's life in ways that would be impossible without a committed parent.

My children, ages 6, 7, and 9, had never been tucked in, had never been read to, had never been to a library, had never been to a museum, had never been to Lake Michigan (we live in Chicago), had never been on an Easter Egg hunt, had never been baptized, had never had a pet, had never played sports, had never eaten a raw tomato, or celery, or asparagus, or peas, etc., etc., etc. My children tell me I'm the best mom they ever had (a sad commentary on all the changes in placement they've experienced), make me Valentine's, give me hugs and kisses, pat my arms, make up little songs about our family.

When it's good, it's more than you can imagine--I had the best Valentine's Day of my life, for example, reading the sweet Valentines they poured their little hearts into. When it's bad, it's also more than you can imagine--my oldest daughter broke my nose in a screaming tantrum, for example. You are very, very wise to ask yourself if are you up for this.

My DH was in your position, by the way. I was the one who first embraced the idea, and it took him a while to want to do it, too. Well, he did, and he is the most wonderful, loving father.

Feel free to get information and support here.

[rights]

Originally Posted by firepup

We start our class Monday. I am not opposed to enlarging our family. I guess I was just surprized and am trying to make sure I know the real reason why he feels compelled.

I was just wondering what you think could possibly be the reason your husband feels compelled to become a foster parent?

If you don't want to do this, then please don't. It will just lead to an unhappy situation for all involved.

[firepup]

Rights, he doesn't want to foster, he wants to adopt. And its not that I don't want to (we talked about it 15 years ago). Its just that he sprung it on me out of nowhere.
We have talked a lot on the subject by now. I have asked many questions of him and myself. I wanted to make sure that he wasn't trying to "fix" a problem in our relationship by doing this. He truly believes (and I now do too) that he was "called" to do this. He feels it in his heart. He is a fairly religious man and he thinks God is telling him to help these children. I am also an adoptee and I understand what problems this could cause is done for the wrong reason.

I have gotten over my initial shock of the idea and have embraced it. I look forward to having some children around to give a home to, to love, and to help. I am getting excited about it (our first class is tonight). I love children and have the room both in my heart and home for more.
I guess it just took me a while to re-focus my life. I was planning retirement and now that has changed. But I am looking forward to it. Thank you

Tybee Marie,
Thank you for your words. I am sure there will be times that I want to pull my hair out but I am just as sure that the good times will outweigh the bad. Having raised two already we can sit back and see what mistakes we made and maybe do things differently. Our older children are also looking forward to having younger brothers and sisters to mentor.
Every day I feel our excitement over this new life direction grow. We seem to have acquired a new purpose. I look forward to loving, teaching, holding, and being.
Thanks for all the help...I'll be around for more!

[rights]

Originally Posted by firepup

Rights, he doesn't want to foster, he wants to adopt. I have asked many questions of him and myself. I wanted to make sure that he wasn't trying to "fix" a problem in our relationship by doing this.

I don't know of any problem in a relationship that could be fiixed by adoption. Anyway, I hope it all works out for the best and good luck with whatever you decide.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi Firepup,

Just wondering how your first class went tonight.

Michelle

[firepup]

Rights, I don't either. Like I said I was just trying to figure out what was going through his mind and eliminating possibilities until I was sure of his reasons. Thanks.

[firepup]

Michelle, The class was great, the adoptions counselor who is giving the class is a good speaker and she really keeps you rivited to the subject at hand. There were about 15 people there. I am feeling more and more excited about this. We mostly had just intros then started discussing circumstances and the feelings and behaviors resulting from those circumstances. Very interesting and we looking forward to the rest. Thanks!

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Good luck in the classes. We sure learned a lot from them.

Michelle

[Wanting2help]

Good luck with your classes also, we start ours Thursday. We cannot wait.