[Cantstopmommin]

Hi, husband and I received a referral to adopt a 10 yr old boy whose history includes a grandfather who sexually abused his daughters--subsequently the whole family is majorly disfunctional (birth mom especially); anyway all five of her little children are adopted by relatives or birth dads, except this little guy. He lived with grandpa for about two years before the abuse was exposed--he and little sister were removed immediatly. they lived with an aunt who decided not to adopt him after a "sexual event"--she's adopting little sister, however. There have been a couple of unsubstantiated sexual occurance with this little guy and his little sister--but psychologists cant seem to prove if he was abused himself or just lived in the house while possibly little sister was abused. (Deep breathe): we have a little guy at home we adopted from China (he's 8 now); we have 5 grown children; they adore littlest brother and spoil him rotten and look so forward to spoiling newest little sib--we are looking for advise, stories, concerns, experience, with little folks and trying to help him live a happy, normal life in a new home with new family (that will love him, protect him, listen to him, and treat him respectively) and we need and want to protect our current little guy--duh! We haven't said yes yet--but everything else about the little guy is remarkably intellegent and resilent. Any help out there would be greatly appreciated.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi,

The boys would NOT be able to share a bedroom and you probably wouldn't want them playing by themselves in a closed room either. I've read on here where people actually install door alarms to be sure the child that acts out stays put in their room at night.

One thing to think about is how you would feel if this guy perps on either your younger son or another child that comes into your home. I'm not saying he would, I just wanted to put it out there. Well, I thought of another thing, would you be comfortable allowing him to have friends sleep over or allowing him to sleep over at a friends house? My older kids love to do that and I don't know what I'd do if there was of this sort concern.

Good luck in your decision. I'm sure it will work out how it's meant to.

Michelle

[lovemy6]

Please don't put your son at risk. You can't be watchful every second of every minute of every hour of every day EVERY SINGLE DAY of your son's life. Believe me when I say that it only takes MINUTES for a perpetrator to victimize. Don't risk your son!

[Christy33]

You are seeking advice so I hope mine helps.
You need to ask yourself if you had a birth child and he was 10 years old and he tried to peak at his sister in the shower what would you do? You'd punish him and tell him that that isn't proper. O.k this same child decided he was still curious and he decided to talk his younger sister in to the game of if you touch mine i'll touch yours. What would you do? You'd explain to both kids that that isn't proper and hope they got the message. RIGHT? Right.
This child is a 10 year old child that has been shown nothing but abuse. give him a chance. Teach him that that isn't proper behavior. Has it crossed your mind that he's doing what he's been taught? Yes he most likely is. Now teach him what he really needs to learn. Get him counseling. Help him to deal with his abuse. If this same child were your birth child and someone unknowingly abused him for years. You wouldn't put him out of the house to keep your other child away from him.
Considering he's 10 years old are you sure he actually did a sexual act at the aunts house or did he do what most 10 year old boys that are curious do? NOt knowing what exactly happened makes it hard for me to really comment there.
I hope you make a decision that u feel is right for all of you. Good luck. Chrisy.

[lovemy6]

The difference, a BIG difference, is that this child is NOT in the house. Would you bring someone in the house that MIGHT hurt the younger child? I wouldn't risk my younger child. There will always be hurt, needy children. If you want to help one, wait until your own child is old enough to defend himself! Then adopt someone younger than him.

[Christy33]

I didn't say there wasn't a difference. I didn't say he should or shouldn't do it. That isn't my place or yours. It's his decision to make. I didn't come to this site to childishly fight with you or anyone. I gave him another way to look at it. I never even said it was what i would or wouldn't do. I just gave him one more way to see it. That way he had a total picture and may just may help him decide to adopt the child or to not adopt the child. You don't know this child and neither do I. We have no idea what he went through or what he has done. All we know is he was abused.
I gave advice from my perspective. I didn't bash how you felt so please let me have my opinion and I respect that you agree or disagree.
I didn't mean to upset you or anyone.
christy.

[lovemy6]

I apologize. I took your post to be a liking of an average child with normal curiosity to a child who has been victimized and already accused of sexualized behaviors.

I have just seen so many children hurt by well-meaning adults who don't think of all the angles. The priority always has to be the welfare of the children already in the home.

Once the abuse happens, you can never go back and change the decision made. I've been down this painful road and can only hope that by speaking out I can help one child not go through what my own child did, because of my mistake.

I wish you all well on your adoption journeys.

[Cantstopmommin]

Morning, thank you all for your concerns and input. We do have specific details of his abuse--or what they are calling, inappropriate behavior. I just felt like I needed to protect him--Here goes, one incident he was on top of his little sister--she had her pants down; another time, which no one saw, the little sister said he kissed her naked private parts. the third he and two friends at school were with the little sister, two friends laid on top of little sister while her pants were down, the brother just kissed her mouth. Again, no adults saw, but one of the other boys confessed to his parents. that last incident was this past July; he had been in a foster home for two years and that was the only incident since being moved out of the aunts house and no longer living with the little sister. I have a friend who was sexually abused by her grandfather, she said shame is the lesson she learned from it and her sisters also, refuse to admit or say a thing about it. The little one is not confessing and refusal to talk about things "because the aunts said it was not right and he'd get in trouble" had the psychologist wondering if shame isnt the factor more than his being abused. Again, this is so very difficult--

[Shai's Mom]

And protect the younger children.

My heart goes out to this poor boy, who at such a young age had to see so much, experience so much pain and trauma. Yes, he deserves a family that will love him and teach him right from wrong.

But, be sure to consult with psychologists/counsellors to find out if he might be a threat to the younger kids. They don't deserve to suffer either.

Unfortunately, sexually abused kids often perpetuate the abuse on younger kids. And they are better off placed in a family without other children.

This is a difficult situation and I don't envy you for it.

Good Luck and all the best wishes for you and yours!

[lovemy6]

These are the three incidences that you KNOW about. How many DON'T you know about?

[Cantstopmommin]

Hey, me again;I need to clarify my friend's statement about shame--shame remains the wall her sisters and some family members hide behind. My friend has since, in her own life, knocked that wall down and is living a strong, healthy life with two of her very own lovely children. I shared all this with her--and I expressed my concerns for her kids playing with my kids (if infact we adopted this boy); she said obvious precautions would be taken, but that her children know what is allowed and not allowed and would not hesitate to sound an alarm! I feel this same thing about our little guy--however, is that enough? Is there a possibility that the openness that we all share and the boundaries our children know as VERY FIRM--would that be enough?

[lovemy6]

In my opinion, NO.

Have you read all of this board?

http://forums.adoption.com/f466.html

[Cobb]

Obviously with Cantstopmommin's additional info, this should not be viewed as "normal" sexual behavior. I agree that you need to consider what would be required from you to protect your other children, but you also must consider what is best for this little boy.

He is not technically perping because of his age. You need to look up information about sexually reactive behaviors - there are support groups for children with these issues - seek one out and talk with a therapist who specializes in these issues. They can give you a better idea of what treatment would entail.
At training with such a counselor, we were told that everytime a child is able to do these behaviors (whether caught or not) it increases the pathology of the behavior. So, putting him in an environment where he has opportunity to do these things might not be best for him.

A side thought to this is... Since he has been sexually abused, he needs to be given the certainty that he is in a safe place where it will not happen again in order to begin healing. While I do not doubt for a minute that you can provide that, look at it from his perspective. Again, whether he's caught or not isn't the issue. In his mind, if he is able to do behaviors on others and you are unable to stop him (due to an inability to monitor every interaction), then he might have a hard time believing that you can stop others from abusing him. Does that make sense? It's not really logical from our adult perspective, but perfectly rational based on his life experiences.

I guess what I'm saying is he might do best in a home where there are no other children... no opportunity to be sexually reactive... more personal freedom for him since he wouldn't need constant monitoring... a lot of one on one time to help with his therapeutic process...

Please don't underestimate the amount of time and stress keeping all of your kids safe would take. With a new baby, you will be required to respond to the babies needs immediately. This little guy could use that to his advantage... It's not a choice he's making... it doesn't mean he wants to... it is the result of extreme failure of the adults in his life to keep him safe. It will take much work for him to overcome.

I have lived with a sexually reactive child who behaved inappropriately. I had four kids total, so I know what you would be up against.

Finally, have you talked to the caseworker about your pregnancy? Have they expressed to you whether they believe that would created an additional challenge to having him placed?

I really commend you for making such a contientious decision. As well as your caseworker for being so honest about the issues you potentially face.

I look forward to hearing what you decide and wish you and your family all the best.

Cobb

[lucyjoy]

This is a very hard behavior to stop. It would be very unfair to both children to put them in this situation. I have sexually abused children I parent and one who is an offender. The behavior your describing is the kind of behavior my offender has displayed. We live with alarms on our doors and strict safety plans. The temptation of there being a younger child may be too much for the older boy. And the younger one should not be exposed to the risk. Whild the 10 year old very much deserves a chance for a family and a chance to heal, he needs to be the youngest child in the family until he's had a good deal of time to heal.

[Christy33]

I think i've missed something here. I thought the boy was 10 and your son was 8? I just read the other posts and it's confused me now. Is your child 8 or is their a baby in the house? And aren't both children boys? Isn't it a girl that he was caught messing with?
Christy.