[lovemy6]

Considering the statistics in the US are that 25% of children under 18 yrs old have been sexually abused, the risks are high that ANY child we adopt has been s-a. One quarter of those of us on this board have been s-a. Have all of us who were s-a abuse others? Of course not. Will all of the children we adopt who were s-a abuse others? No, but we can't look at them or their profiles and determine which ones will. That's why it's best to not adopt older or stronger than the ones already in the home.

I've adopted s-a children. I also fostered MANY, before I adopted. I only took children younger than my own by at least four years. I also made sure that they had their own bedrooms. I couldn't be around 24/7 every second. I had one fc who abused a neighbor child. My fc is gone, but I still have to live 2 doors down from a child that I know I'm responsible for putting at risk. I'm so sorry that he was abused. At the time I didn't know about grooming. Even though it wasn't my fc's fault that the uncle abused my child, my fc had the ability to abuse another child. It's a vicious cycle.

I have a friend who fosters who has a 7 yr old fs. He is being placed in another home as we speak, b/c he abused my friend's granddaughter in their playroom. The little girl is only 2 yrs old. He abused her with a toy. That little girl is going to have to go through a lot to heal physically as well as emotionally. My friend did everything right, she only took a child younger than her teens at home, the child has his own room, she watches him diligently, she never left him alone with other children. She went to answer the phone and during a five minute phone call, her gd walked into the playroom to get a toy. Her fs was already in there playing. Would you have predicted that? I never would have!

[Christy33]

I have been on a few sides of all of this meaning my mom was a foster parent (i was an adult when she started fostering) my hs best friend was a foster child, and I've dealt with abuse first hand myself and seen someone deal with the issues that come from being abused (my sister). One thing that makes this all different is I've never been in a situation as a mom. Meaning that I am just beginning the process here and I mean just beginning. I just took the first step and contacted a social worker in Indiana and said I wanted more information. I have no idea what it will be like bringing a child that has been abused into my home with my other children ( i have 4, 3 that are bio and 1 that we adopted). So it does concern me what i'm up against and what to expect.
I have a 16 son, girls 13 & 12 and the baby (boy) is 2. So I have no idea where to start or what to do. I can quite imagine I will be on here myself someday asking quiestions from all of you.
I like her don't want to put my other children in danger. If I go younger than mine than I would be choosing an infant. I've changed enough diapers in my life to know that I would much rather adopt an older child. I love being a mom. Have always wanted a big family.
It's nice to know what i'm up against.
Well I'm getting off the original topic here.
Thanks for your help cobb.

[Christy33]

My god that poor baby. I'm so sorry for you and your friend. What you must of went through.

You know you guys there has to be something that we all can do without putting our own children at risk. This is awful what these children go through and it's just as awful what some of them have went on to do to others.
I wish I knew what I could do to help but at the same time without putting my own children at risk and continuing the same cycle.
It breaks my heart to read what all of you have wrote. I feel for you and the children.

[dadfor2]

there is a thread that we as a group started not too long ago....i believe the title is 'are you ready to adopt a special needs child'

be forwarned, it is very bleak, but if you keep reading other posts, it does get into the positives and tips on how to parent these kids.

the intent of the thread was for new people who were looking at adopting older children (not infant)....

anyway, its just a suggestion, the thread is long, but i feel worth the time to read if you are seriously looking into adopting a non-infant.

again, it is very bleak at the beginning, but keep reading, there was alot of good information people had.

dadfor2

[Lorraine123]

I would NOT accept placement of a sexually reactive child in the home with a younger child.

I agree with what Anna said - you can't return the innocence of a child who has had it removed. Even if this boy doesn't perpetrate on your younger son, he is still sexually knowledgable.

My daughter, age 7, knows more about sex than my son, age 16 (I think anyway). She is seductive, sneaky, and sexually provocative. Your younger child will be exposed to that. When she plays, her barbies have sex. Thats what she knows. And my older children are exposed to that. And your younger son will be also. (or could be, I won't say will be).

Be aware that these children are sexualized. We can't change that. And you must always be aware. I know that in many cases it never causes an issue, but its a chance I would not take.

[dadfor2]

just checked....the name of the thread is 'are you ready to adopt a special needs child?'

sorry, i dont know how to link you to it....

but its written from all who had experience adopting special needs kids...from sexual abuse, neglected, physical abuse backgrounds...

dadfor2

[Christy33]

Thank you. I will go check it out.

[Cantstopmommin]

I thank you all so much! I'm sitting here overwhelmed! We adopted our little guy nearly eight years ago from China because we worried so much about birth parents coming to get him (it was so previlent in the news then); and we worried about the huge list of special needs domestically. It turns out, our little guy came to us with physical special needs and unknown family history--and everyone told us NOT to accept him--obviously we did--the rest is history--not one person could say it was not the right decision--but some still say they would have turned his referral down back then. A genetic syndrome diagnosed, three surgeries and he is and always will be the best yes we ever said. That all said, we dream of making the right decision with all the information we can; we are so ignorant in our belief that love, understanding, etc. etc. can heal any child. I ask all of you with experience: do you have regrets? Would you adopt this child again? Is this child better off in your home than any other? You love your children--does that and the happiness that comes through--make the difference? I am sad that looking to add more love and looking to welcome a hurt child into your home results in impossibly painful decisions. Ignorance--yes--but gaining insight.

[lovemy6]

Yes I have regrets. I'm in the process of trying to put it all in my life's experiences.

I don't regret loving the fc that I was in the process of adopting. I don't regret the disruption, it was necessary. I do regret that I kept trying to love the child's hurts away. The child needs/ed much more than our family could have provided. Listen to the person that said that if you can't provide the safety of stopping the child from hurting others, you can't provide the security the child needs to trust you. My fc never trusted me. I don't think the child will ever trust anyone.

Some children are so hurt. The only way they can express their pain is to hurt other weaker, younger people and animals.

Some children are better off in other homes. Homes where they can be the only children and have a parent home with them 24/7 until they are healed. Some children aren't able to live in families at all.

One caution. Don't always take what the worker tells you as gospet. Some aren't truthful. Some don't know all the facts. Some will do whatever it takes to get a child placed in a family. There are too many people here who are going through disruptions,b/c their child just wasn't ready for their family. Some of those families had other children in the home who have been hurt by all this. All of them are going through the pain of losing the children they love.

It's been a long time since our disruption. I've learned a lot, by talking to people on forums such as this one and by joining an adoption/foster parent support group thought our agency. Love is not always enough. If it was, all of our children would be healed and there would be no child waiting for his forever family.

[Lorraine123]

Cantstopmommin -

I'll try to answer your questions -

Do you have regrets? No.

Would you adopt this child again? In a heartbeat.

Is this child better off in your home than any other? Thats an impossible question to answer, but I feel that our home meets her needs. I like to think that we are the best.

You love your children--does that and the happiness that comes through--make the difference? My children add so much to my life that they are worth every heartache we experience. The positives so far outweigh the negatives.

You just have to take an educated risk. Determine what issues you can adequately deal with and move forward from there. Do not accept a placement that is out of your ability. Realize that love cannot heal all hurts that these children bring with them.

[HappyMomAnna]

We have no regrets--a lot of tears for the hurt our child expereinced before we were able to love her..... I remember the strange look in her big brown eyes the first time I told her "I love you" I still wonder what I actually saw inside of her eyes....

I am so thankful that there is an age difference between the older children I messed up with enough that adding a child with hurt didn't mess up anymore.....

Our children can be sexually abused in any situation--on any day and right under the most over protective parents noses.... But if we have been there loving them all their lives we can love them through it much more differently then we are able to love a child we didn't meet until three weeks before her 5th birthday....

As much and as comepletely as I love her---it takes a very long time for her to believe me.... and WHAT DOES LOVE really mean to her anyway???? We already figured out that her expression of love to daddy is NOT what we would have hoped for in our beautiful little girl.... Before we can LOVE her we have to show her what LOVE is supposed to be.....and that is the long road....

I would do this all again.... I would adopt these children... I am sure that the efforts we make to help her will make her life better. There are families who are not able to protect the other children--there are families that have had their guts ripped out after trying for a few years to love a child out of thier own pain....and there are families who have had to say good bye to a child for that childs own best interest.... This is not the same as an infant adoption it is not the same as raising a child from their earliest memories... This is a special kind of parenting for Special children....These children NEED to be the MOST important in the family and that is very hard to do when there are younger ones....

[dadfor2]

the biggest question is, are you willing to do anything to keep both children safe?

I dont think you can have regrets when it comes to loving a child...but there may come a time when you have to make the painful decision that your other child is just not safe in the home and you have to either disrupt the adoption or place him in a residential program.

and then say goodbye

because you have to do what you have to do...i think thats the hardest thing because you love both children so much

the real issue is that this child already abused his sister. If this child had no histoy of acting out, then i would say go for it but keep an eye...

but chances are this little boy might and in all probability, react to your other son.

I dont think there are any right or wrong decisions when it comes to adopting a child...

sometimes, we dont know what the child will bring in the home till they actually live with us for a while. but one thing we do have, is some sort of history and we try to make an educated decision with the information we have.

i think alot of us come here for the protection of children more then helping the new adoptive parents make the decision to adopt a special needs child.

if the placement doesnt work, and you have to disrupt, yes, you will feel the grief...but this child will have another failure under his belt and how can he cope with that. It would be more damaging to the child.

i usually post thinking more of the child and whats in the childs best interest.

my fear is that this placement might not work due to the history of this poor little guy and i would hate to give him something else to make him feel like 'damaged goods'

its our job, as adults, to think with our heads and not our hearts...its tough when it comes to children, but a childs life is at stake here and the decision you make can impact the rest of his life...


dadfor2

[dadfor2]

sorry...just reread what i wrote and it sounded bleak..must be my mood.

if you are interested in helping this child and getting him the services he needs...then by all means go for it.

just prepare yourself first, read everything you can , safe guard the rooms (because you never know)...and enjoy having another lovely child in your home.

they play like other kids too....they laugh and jump around and giggle when someone burps...

somtimes they are just reacting to their own abuse. This is not their fault.

so my message is, no, you wont have regrets, but just prepare yourself.

this is a totally different kind of parenting.

i know some parents have said, "we will take any child except for a child that was sexual exposed..."

that issue is a real tough one.

dadfor2

[lucyjoy]

Do I think my son would be better off else where? No. Do I think my other kids would have been better off had I not taken him? Yes. Do I like that feeling? NO. Would I do it again? I don't know. I love my son, but he's been a very hard child to parent.
When my son was caught acting out in previous placements, he always blamed the other person. He would ask kids to do sexual things and if they refused, would tell people they did stuff to him.
It upsets me that a case worker would consider placing a child with this history where there are younger children.

[joskimo]

Yes I have regrets. When a child you've chosen to have in your home hurts your younger child(ren) how can you not have regrets. I stick by my earlier advice, I strongly advocate for several years difference when bringing in a new child. A younger child is easily intimidated and made an easy victim. We are lucky in that respect because our daughter told us immediately after the assault. I've made other friends on these boards who were not so lucky and their younger children were victimized for years. Can you not have regrets?