[lucyjoy]

Boys perp on boys just as commonly as girls. The child does deserve a chance in the right family-one without younger children.

[Cantstopmommin]

Our son is 8 (8 and a half he says); the new boy is 10. No infants (that would require an act of God at this point). Yes boys only; and yes, reported incidents involved his little sister everytime (that we know about). I just received an email from our worker and she asked for questions and concerns regarding our decision. I asked for her opinions on his "sexual inappriateness"; he lives in a foster home with other children now--I asked how old and boys or girls? And, any "incidents" in that home? I guess I want to know---Can this child be saved? My friend has never abused anyone; my husband (abused by a sitter when he was seven) never abused anyone---can it be stopped? Or am I too "head in the clouds" hopeful? I have read all the responses here--I am very protective of our 8 year old--It would be devastating if this adoption was not the best and happiest thing in the world for him. We know it comes down to weighing all facts, opinions, and what ifs---its the what ifs . . .

[daytonasister]

HI ...I JUST READ EVERY ONES POST ON THIS SUBJECT AND SINCE EVERY ONE ELES HAS THEIR OPINIONS I GUESS I WILL GIVE YOU MINE. THIS IS A 10 YEAR OLD CHILD NOT A FULL GROWN MAN THAT REALLY KNOWS RIGHT FROM WRONG. THIS IS ALSO A CHILD THAT HAS HIMSELF BEEN ABUSED SO THERE FOR ABUSE OF THIS NATURE IS WHAT HE KNOWS. THEY HAVE PLACES CHILDREN LIKE THIS LIL BOY CAN GET HELP SO HE DOES NOT REOFFEND. I KNOW BECAUSE MY BIRTH SON OFFENDED AT 11 DUE TO THE FACT HIS FATHER ABUSED HIM AND HE IS NOW GETTING HELP . ONCE AGAIN THIS IS A CHILD NOT AN ADULT AND HE DESERVES A CHANCE WITH A FAMILY THAT CAN LOVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT HE HAS DONE IN THE PAST HE ONLY HAS NOW HIS FUTURE AND YOU WOULD BE SURPRIZED WHAT A LIL HONEST UNCONDIONAL LOVE CAN DO FOR AN ABUSED CHILD.

[lucyjoy]

All of my kids were sexually abused, but only one has acted out and he started at the age of three when he wouldn't know any better. He still struggles at 14 even after much treatment. Learned or not, it still puts the other child at unnecessary risk.
There are families without younger children where this child can learn and heal from his past and no continue this pattern. I think putting him with a younger child is risky for both children. I do not think this child is hopeless. I do think it's a bad idea to place him with an 8 year old.

Foster Cline's Can this Child Be Saved is an excellent book. If you haven't had a chance to read it, I would.

[daytonasister]

I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM MY SON IS 15 AND STILL IN A FACILITIE GETTING HELP. I DO AGREE THAT PLACING HIM IN A HOUSE WITH A YOUNGER CHILD IS PROBABLY NOT A GOOD IDEA ..BUT AT THE SAME TIME THIS CHILD MAY NEVER RE-OFFEND.WHO WANTS TO TAKE THE CHANCE I UNDERSTAND I WORRY EVERYDAY HOW LIFE IS GOING TO BE WHEN MY SON COMES HOME I HAVE A 14 YEAR OLD BUT AM NOT CONCERNED ABOUT THAT ITS THE YOUNGER CHILDREN IN MY FAMILY I WORRY ABOUT. SOME ONE SOME WHERE WILL LOVE THIS CHILD.THE QUESTION IS WILL THE FAMILY HE IS WITH NOW BE ABLE TO LOVE HIM THE WAY HE NEEDS TO BE AND IF THERE IS WORRY ABOUT THE PAST RE-THINKING NEEDS TO HAPPEN....SERIOUS SOUL SEARCHING REQUIRED

[joskimo]

I think this is going to be more of the same advice, but the sad thing is that many of us have accidentally learned this lesson the hard way. I would never advocate for a child older then the one you have to be brought in the home and that goes double for one who may have been assaulted and may show assaultive behaviors. Ours were in the home for 7 years before history repeated itself, but it did and my daughter was hurt. My advice is to take in a child younger then your own and that way that child can be part of the experience and not a potential victim.

Good luck.

[Cobb]

My apologies, in my mind I confused two different threads. My question about a baby belonged elsewhere...


I certainly agree that this child is not without hope, but it will be a long journey. I hope you are able to get as much information as you possibly can in order to determine whether it would be safe to have this child placed with your 8 year old son.

[Christy33]

You can't live your life on what if's. You'll drive yourself crazy. You need to consider all of the FACTS and go from there. All of us are going by our own experiences which really doesn't help you at all because each child is different and each situation is different. I'm obviously the only one that feels the way i do about it. lol but that's o.k. i've stood alone before.
You need to discuss this with your husband, the child's therapist, social worker and yes all of us..*S* Gather what you can from it and make a decision on what you think is best for all of u. Yes this child has the potential to act out again. But by judging his pattern it's only been on his sister which is a GIRL. So that would tell me that he has no interest in boys. He is a 10 year old child, he is so young. He's not a sex fein monster people hes a child. Someone has to help him. All of you take risks when you take in any child that has been abused. Any of these children can act out in an abusive way. But how many actually has. You are all freaked out because this particular child was a sexually abused child. so therefore everyone thinks he will abuse. That is so not true. Yes I know he did with his sister, but most likely that was what the grandpa probably had him do.
How many of you have taken in children that were physically abused, mentally abused, neglected, ect. ect. Did you put your children at risk?
God be with you on this.

[Cobb]

Originally posted by Christy33

How many of you have taken in children that were physically abused, mentally abused, neglected, ect. ect. Did you put your children at risk?
God be with you on this.

I took in three children that were neglected as well as physically and sexually abused. Only one of the three acted in sexually inappropriate ways. I also have a bio daughter who was close in age.

Yes, I put my child at risk.

I haven't read any posts that say this little boy is a monster. In fact, I don't believe characterizing him as a perpretrator is appropriate. I believe exhibited sexually reactive behaviors (sexual acting out as a result of sexual abuse). He is completely deserving of help... I just believe it is very important to investigate what that process is and what it will take to help him heal. The questions are not to place someone in a "what if" mentality, but rather to help them think about the potential problems they might face. It is hard to make a decision if you haven't explored all the possibilities and what your feelings would be if those things occurred.

It is not set in stone that this little boy will act out on the bio son. But, it's important to consider what the response would be if that did happen. Safety plans, alarms, etc. can go a long way, but don't always work. If someone can't live with the stress that "constant" monitoring would require given the ages or their feelings about a bio child being harmed, it would be advisable not to accept the placement. It is so difficult to deal with the disruption for both the adoptive family and the child. If there are circumstances that could potentially cause a disruption, I would evaluate the likliness of those things happening and go from there.

Finally, it isn't the fact that this child has been sexually abused that is a red flag for me. I have worked with other children with sexual abuse who never became sexually reactive. It is the incidents with his sister and potentially other children - since it is very rare for a sexually reactive child to not act out outside of the family in the absense of help - that concern me.

That said, I agree that each child and each family situation is unique. Asking questions, getting as much information as possible and thinking about what feelings there would be if the "what ifs" did occur, can go a long way in preventing future heartache.

IMHO,
Cobb

[Christy33]

I don't need you to show me what i wrote I know what I wrote. So therefore I think that it is best I drop out of this discussion. I am finding myself wanting to defend the child which isn't helping her at all. Not to mention I'm causing alot of anger for the rest of you. I never meant that. And I NEVER said he was a perpetrater. I felt like you all were portraying him as one. I do aopologize if I offended anyone. I'm sorry I was of no help to this situation.
You see I was sexually abused. I was 5 when it started and 12 when it stopped. My aunt didn't want me around her children. I overheard my parents arguing with her. She was afraid I would harm her children. she was afraid I'd do to them what had been done to me. So that said maybe now you will understand where I was coming from.
God bless. I wish you the best of luck.
Christy.

[HappyMomAnna]

....Sexual abuse cannot be erased from a child....a loss of innocence is lost and once the door of sexualized behavior is opened it cannot be shut.

....I was sexually abused.

...I have adopted a little girl that has been sexually abused.


Knowledge of sexual behavior is a very big risk and danger to other children--younger for sure and even older children who have yet to know about sex in the first place.

NO--a sexually abused child is not LOST forever--and might NEVER perp on other children--I didn't and never even thought of it... But--my sweet little girl does and does not care who it is...

Our daughter believes that it is LOVE to grab her fathers privates... Announces at the dinner table how good it feels to touch her own....and how she will never stop....has publicly displayed sexual behaviors....and would molest any little boy she could get her hands on....She draws sexually explicit pictures...asks kids during swim class to show her their privates and in general needs to be watched at all times.... Even around he OWN biological baby brother....

Her new grandfather was horribly upset when she grabbed him...

My oldest daughter is not happy because she cannot bring her boyfriend to our house--because her little sister wants to sit on his lap or begs the two of them to kiss in front of her....

Our sweet little 6 year old has told her male therapists that she wants to have his baby and that they should 'twiddle with each others privates...to make a baby.'

We love her completely and we are equipped to deal with her issues.... We have alarms on bedroom doors and she is NEVER permitted to spend anytime alone with her brother.... He is nearly 3 now and his toilet training is basically delayed in order for him to develop language skills that will alert me to any reason to be concerned....It is sad when you as a mother find yourself telling your 2 1/2 year old little boy that his privates are only for him and No one can touch them...except the doctor and mommy...

She is not allowed to get into our bed in the morning to cuddle--except on mommies side of the bed....No sleep overs and to be honest she can only have play dates at our home where I am watching... We have recently installed security videos in the back of the children's play room--and record when I am not actually up there with them which is rare....

Yes, she deserves a normal life....and it is sad this has to be the way it is...........but when there is a beautiful child who has lost their innocence in the household this MUST be done in order to protect all the family members.

This is the reality of Our sexually abused child. One moment of acting out is enough to know that the child does have it in them to act out.... We as parents cannot be there at every moment. It is painful with we need to tell the school that our child cannot use the bathrooms with the other children and MUST use only the teachers bathroom....It is hard when the 'little things' come up and we are in a situation where a safety plan has to be made... It hurts to tell the in-laws that it is NOT a good idea for your beautiful child to go upstairs with their children and play unsupervised....and why.....

I personally have my work cut out for me in protecting my HUSBAND and My little boy from the loss of innocence---it is so very hard to face and deal with the REALITIES that a sexually abused child might have .... No not all of us act out--but when it happens once it is likely to be an issue...

My personal advice is that there are families who are equipped to deal with sexualized behaviors and I would advise if at all possible to keep younger children out of the line of fire. There is NO REASON to have one child with a loss of innocence become two children if it is at all possible to avoid....

[dadfor2]

interesting thread.

the boy is a 10 yr old child who had witnessed or had been sexually abused himself.

He has acted out on his sister already....(doesnt matter if its a boy or a girl)...this isnt about sex.

this boy needs some help, and im sure a loving home with proper therapy can help him heal.

by placing him in a home with other children is setting him up for failure. this behavior has been installed in him as appropriate, so for someone to come along and say "its not polite to touch someone on their private parts...blah blah..." just isnt going to cut it.....

plus, just because a child is molested, doesnt mean he will then be a child molester himself.

there have been studies out recently that alot of these so called child molestors, were in fact, actually not abused..they have stated that, to get some sympathy from the courts.

however, that doesnt mean that a child who is sexually abused will not be a child molestor.

just throwing out some facts here.

yes, this child may heal, but its not going to take a few sitdown conversations to have him stop. It is a learned behavior

if you choose to go into this adoption, you need to h ave alarms on all bedrooms, single rooms, and dont let them out of site for a minute.

it can be done, but you will have to find different ways to parent this little guy.

sometimes by removing a child from other children, actually help a child heal, children are generally compulsive....so with that said, by placing other children with him, he might not enough self control.

i want to make myself clear...the child is not to blame...his preditor is the one who caused this. So my feeling is, the child needs to be an only child so he can get the proper help he needs, but of course if your willing to go those extra steps to ensure safty, then by all means, it could work

dadfor2

[Cobb]

Christy, I am sorry if my quotation upset you. I did not do so in order to attack you. I commonly quote another post so that others will kwno what specific question I'm addressing. Also, I did not mean for my post to come out as angry. Again, that was not my intention. I was also sexually abused as a child (not extensively though), so when I'm writing I try to take my personal emotions out of the situation. I know that sometimes that can come out as cold. Finally, I only made my comment about children as "perpretrators", because it is a common, yet inappropriate term used, not because I felt that you viewed him that way. Rereading my post I can see how I linked it poorly and didn't do a very good job of stating why I was mentioning it. I should have placed it in a different section of my post...

I completely understand your desire to defend the child, I've wanted to scream at caseworkers who characterized the oldest of the three we took in as "damaged". I'm sorry that you had such a difficult experience with your aunt, it seems her comments were based on ignorance as well as a lack of compassion for the trauma you experienced.

I think we both agree in that there is a need to gather as much information as possible and do a lot of soul searching when deciding whether to accept challenging placements.

Wishing you well,
Cobb

[Christy33]

Yes I agree and thank you. I do need to keep my emotions out of this when trying to give advise. It's hard I'll admit. I just wanted her to see all sides. But I'll have to say I'm so thankful that everyone told the other side of it. I had no idea. You see I wouldn't of thought twice of adopting a child that had been sexually abused. I would of done so blindly thinking that if I love that child and give that child therapy (like I had) that that child would grow up and be a normaly healthy happy person. So I'm glad to of read the flip side of what I knew.
I wouldn't of thought twice of putting a child in the home with my other children. So Cobb I'm glad you said what you said. It has also made ME realize that their are all sides to a situation.
Thank you. Christy.
P.S. I know I said i wasn't going to post again. Well I guess I got my little white lie out of the way for the month. haha.

[Cobb]

Christy, post all you need to. Working with special needs kids often brings up unresolved issues... I was fortunate in that I had dealt with my personal issues before the girls were placed with me. I had previously been challenged by them when I worked with a little girl who had been raped nightly by an uncle and step-brother for a year and a half. As hard as that was, I recieved far more than I gave. I was able to readdress my issues and "heal". I also found I have a gift for working with and understanding children who have had similar experiences.

I remember when my little one came to me to tell me about her sexual abuse. I later recounted to her therapist what she said, how I dealt with it, etc. She was amazed that I handled it so well. I really believe that a big part of knowing what to say in that moment came from being able to relate to A on a personal level. At times though, I think I was only a conduit... that the words were given to me when I needed them...

Regardless, healing from abuse is a long process. Just as kids will readdress trauma throughout the developmental process, we as adults sometimes find ourselves readdressing our past, even if you have already dealt with it therapeutically as a child. As an adult you have the ability to have a different perspective...

Make any sense ?!?!?

Stick around, I have learned alot on these forums. There are many amazing people here willing to share their experiences.

Cobb