[HisWill]

I was hoping some of you would be willing to share your stories of your first meetings with your children. Hubby and I have 3 bio children and are hoping to adopt a boy or brother/sister sibling group age 5-9. We are expecting our approval letter in 2-3 weeks and have been told by our workers that it shouldn't be long before we are called with a possible match. I am very excited but at the same time, I have to admit that I am alittle nervous about the first meeting with the children. We have been told that our 3 children are not allowed at the first meeting. Anyone willing to share advice on what to expect or their story would be greatly appreciated. I know that I may be getting ahead of things considering that we aren't even approved yet, but I'd like to be prepared(if possible) when the call comes.

Nicole

[Waiting_Family]

Our first meeting with our child just happened, so I'd be happy to give you our story....

After we were matched, our pre-meeting was with the significant adults in our child's life... social workers, her attorney, her counselor, a group home rep. We talked about her history, her challenges, her strengths. They solved the complicated past history maze for us (there was a failed adoption which was NOT our child's fault). Then we went to lunch with the social workers, and met her grandmother and aunt, who love her very much, but can't take her in. That helped lessen my anxiety about continued contact with them, because their love for her was quite obvious. The next day, we were chosen as her fost/adopt family...

A week later (two weeks ago), we met our child for the first time (well, I had met her at an adoption picnic, but my husband had not met her). The social workers accompanied us. We were not allowed to bring our bio daughter. Our attention was solely on our new daughter. Our social worker suggested that we bring a stuffed animal, and I remembered that her grandma said that she liked a certain animal....and I found a stuffed animal like that! When we met her, she hugged us, and loved the gift! She was rather giggly and nervous this day. We were with her for about 3 hours. We first just talked with her and the workers, then went to lunch and then went window shopping with our worker.

Last Thursday, we took her out for 4 hours by ourselves, and our bio daughter and she met for the first time. They got along great! We took them for a picnic lunch at the lake, and brought along a softball and gloves, and a soccer ball.

Next Thursday, we bring her home for a 4 day weekend.

Then we have some more weekend visits, and then if everyone is comfortable, she moves in before school starts!

Like my hubby says, you just gotta do it. It's natural to be nervous.

Good luck!

[cj416]

Ours happened just a few weeks ago. She is in our home now. A is 4 1/2 years old. We met her and her worker at a McDonalds half way between our homes. We brought her a stuffed bear, which she scarried around all day. We also brought her a photo album containing pics of family, friends,us, our home and her future room. We were told not to give it to her unless the visit went well. An hour into the visit we gave it to her. She looked at it over and over. We took our 2 bio sons,8 & 4, with us, which really seemed to break the ice. She warmed up to them fast. We stayed and visited for about 3 hours. At the end of the visit it was really hard. She had been told she was going to meet her new family, so she did not understand why she could not come home with us....
A week later on July 3rd she did some home with us for good. Things are going pretty good so far. She has been here for a week and it feels like she has always been here.....

[Waiting_Family]

We just had a four day weekend visit....it went great! Much better than expected, because her behavior at the group home the week before was not...real good. But she behaved well with my daughter and her friend, was very helpful, and wanted lots of hugs and affection. We ended the weekend today with a birthday party at her grandmother's house, and that too, was a positive experience. I'm sure it will not be all wine and roses, but so far, just normal 13 year old issues, and we were very clear on boundaries and that parents were in charge. We visit for 2 more weekends, and then she moves in as a fost/adopt placement. Wow! Time flies....

[wenrl]

We met our daughter for the first time in April. First her foster parents showed her a website that we made about ourselves and then her social worker went to talk to her. A week or two later, we went to her foster home to visit. She brought us books to read to her and showed us all of her tricks like riding her bike, using a hoola hoop etc. It was a beautiful day so we brought bubbles and she had a lot of fun with that. We also brought her a stuffed animal and a welcome book with a few pictures of us and our home and pets. We played Chutes and Ladders. Her foster parents mostly left us alone with her except for at lunchtime we had pizza all together.

It was wonderful and exciting, but also awkward and scary. My partner and I and our daughter all have the same introverted/shy personality, so it was difficult for everyone to try and be outgoing and get to know each other. We did some phonecalls and letters between visits and everyone became much more comfortable pretty quickly.

We too had a lot of anxiety about the first meeting. It is very overwhelming to think that you are meeting someone who will become one of the most important parts of your life and be your child through good times and bad for the rest of your life. Feel better? LOL

[kamamsm]

I can't believe your children aren't allowed. Ours were in both adoptions! At any rate- our 1st adoption we met at a resturant. It was awkward - then I just said- "Ya know- this is sooo strange We've never adopted before.We don't really know what to say. Do you have any questions for us?" And it broke the ice- because they were scared too!
Our second adoption - we met at a park. Big Mistake! The kids were adhd with behavior issues. The park situation was so chaotic and had too much going on. They couldn't focus on anything- much less us. ( Our second meeting was better. We went to the aquarium.) Our third they moved in. Good luck!!!

[HisWill]

Thank you sooo much for sharing your stories. We are still waiting for our approval letter. There is a boy out of state that we are interested in but my husband thinks we should give our state time to "match" us with a child before we look out of state. My kids are very excited and want me to do everything I can to find their new brother. I'm torn between calling the child's sw out of state or waiting on our state to match us. My husband says I'm impatient but there is something about this little guy that just speaks to my heart. I hope to be sharing my own "first meeting" story soon.

thanks again!
Nicole

[Waiting_Family]

Nicole,

Best wishes on finding the right child!

A note on visiting....the child we were matched with is a 3 1/2 hour (one way) drive. We have been visiting for 3 Thursdays (we both work, so that is a day off, and we have to go to work on Friday), and then on 3 weekends, with one more weekend trip to go (next weekend). Then her social worker will drive her here for good next week. Mind you, we drive to her, we pick her up, we drive her home - 7 hours! (Except for the Thursday visits, we just visit her for 3 hours there).

So....depending on what you would have to do to visit, you might keep that in mind! We are exhausted, and I usually do chores on the weekend, so my house is a mess! This has been a very chaotic month. While our girl is worth it....I don't know if I would go through it again, and I definitely wouldn't go through it again any farther away.

Just my thoughts.

[mysterybks]

Hi,

I'm so happy to read all your first meeting stories. We find out tomorrow or Wed. if we are selected as the parents for 2 Vietnamese boys (U.S. born) ages 9 and 10. We feel this is the right match for us and I believe we'll get good news. So hard to wait though. I've been nervous about meeting them because they want them moved in and settled before school 9/7. So things will move FAST. I like fast, though! I'm not very patient waiting for things.

Please keep us informed about your progress! I'll be praying for the right match for you.

We considered looking outside our county, but about the time we were approved, they offered us the boys.

God Bless!

Dawn

[mysterybks]

Well, we weren't selected for the boys. We know God has the right kid(s) picked out for us. Please pray for our caseworker to have God's guidance in the children she puts before us. And God's guidance for us in knowing which children to say yes to.

Thanks for all your prayers.

[kamamsm]

Don't worry- you'll get chosen. We had our hopes on two other sets of children that we weren't picked for. But we have our kids now- and they are the right ones for our family. Good luck!

[wenrl]

I am sorry that you were not chosen for the boys and know that disappointment pretty well. We were not chosen for the first, second and third girls we applied for. But... four months later, we were presented with our first choice again and were matched. We had really felt that this little girl was meant to be ours and were really heartbroken when her worker decided she wanted someone who lived closer to her siblings. However, the several sets of parents she chose that lived closer still weren't willing to visit the sibs often enough and were scared by the difficulties our child had in her past. What is meant to be will be, I guess.

Best of luck to you! Your kids are out there waiting and you will find each other when the time is right.

[Jencendiary]

Hey, just a random person new to the thread/board, but I'd like to say that it's pretty darn amazing to want to take on the responsibility of older kids.

Tons of respect, and all my best thoughts go out to you. Your kiddos are coming. Just you wait.

Don't forget the sedatives. You'll need them.

(This is my standard advice to all parents - speaking as a non-parent, of course. Hehe.)

[szypzz]

Our first day meeting our then 9 year old daughter and 6 year old son was great. We had already met with the foster parents, adoption workers (ours and theirs) and their foster worker. We don't have any other children, so there was no decision to make about bringing them or not. We met on the kid's home turf, the foster home. (We love their foster parents. They were a GREAT help during transition.) The kids were as excited as we were. When we pulled up I could see our daughter's glasses and the top of our son's head peeking out from the window! The first thing I heard was, "She has bright blue eyes!" Our daughter was VERY giggily and our son very active. We also brought small photo albums (one for each) filled with pictures of our home, pet, and family. We were told that they might not really be able to concentrate on the pictures, but they both poured over their books. Our daughter really studied what was in "her" room and must have looked the whole thing over 10 times in the 1-2 hours that we were there. That was on Thursday, June 12, 2003. We met again on Sat and were able to take them to the park for about 4 hours or so. We couldn't see them again until the next weekend, but called them everynight in between. Usually just getting info on what they had for dinner and if they had fun that day, just 15 mins or less talking to both but it really helped the bonding. One they knew that we thought of them everyday and two that we did what we said we were going to. We had a great transition. It was really hard to leave them, even the second weekend, but my advice (especially if you've never had kids) is to take it slow. It took us all summer to get the kids moved in permanently, but looking back I'm grateful that we had the time to make changes in our lifestyle while still getting breaks between visits. We had to wait 3 weeks until we could bring the kids to our house for an overnight, I wish that could have happened earlier because of the ages of our kids. They were dying to see the place. But other than that things went very, very well.

[Crane13]

We are adopting a teen through interstate. Our states are close together, but the timing issues are the same.

Our son, M is living in a group home about 4 hours away. Another boy at his home had to come close to our home for court, so M came along too. Our first visit, we had to meet with him in the wittness room at the court house.... Kind of like having a picnic at the DMV.

Anyway, the visit was great and we knew right away that he is our son. We took a photo album with pictures of our family and friends, our home, the dogs, our church, his school, etc. We only showed it to him after we had gotten to know him. We let him keep it with him at his Ghome.

We have driven down to his ghome twice to take him out for several hours. He has been back to the courthouse close to us twice as well. It is the worst feeling I have ever had watching my child go back to the ghome and not home with me.

We are waiting on approval for "across state lines" weekend visits. MO workers say that they can start anytime. IL says that the interstate paperwork needs to be done before he can even come for the day! (Ugh, how will he know he wants to be with us FOR SURE until he sees how we live?)

Anyway, I am SOOOO jealous of those of you who met your children and actually got them in a relatively short amount of time. M won't be with us until late October.

Congratulations, and blessings to all of you who are creating homes for GREAT older kids. YOU are changing lives!

Jill