[forevermom]

We have been discussing adopting an older child, but would like some advice from your experiences.

We have three children in our home two bio children a daughter age 7, and a son age 3, and our newly adopted daughter age 1. We are planning on adopting another child when everything is finalized with our daughters adoption through our state.

We were thinking a boy between the ages of our oldest two children(so like age 6-4), but then we were thinking maybe even a boy to the age of 10.

When we have mentioned this to family and friends, they look at us like we are crazy. They think this child will do something to hurt our younger children.

So, please give us some advice, or your experiences good and bad from adopting an older child.

Thank you in advance!

[HappyMomAnna]

Some families have been very successful in adoption Out Of Birth order. Other families like to maintain the birth order and always take a new child as the youngest....I tend to feel it is better to keep birth order in mind.

There are many risks to adopting an older child. While there are most likely more success stories the horror stories need to be considered. Children in the ages you are considereing take a whole lot out of a family for at least the first year--we have only had our children for 16 months so I don't know yet when everything will just FEEL and Be NORMAL--maybe this is going to be normal?

Our daughter turned five a few weeks after placement. She has the standard story of a birthmother who used drugs, didn't have a home, and was not able to care for her children. Our daughter came with her one-year old brother....

Everything about our little girl looks normal on the outside....but as the time has passed we have surely been educated on many issues.

When we got all the information about our children there appeared to be nothing to be worried about with her.... however, it did not take very long to realized that there are problems and there are things she has expereinced that no amount of love will ever make go away........No one knew that our daughter had been trained to steal--and trained very well It took us 6-months to even fiugre out....No one knew that someone had trained our daughter to sexually please men--until she tired to please her father....no one knew that our daughter had seen and heard things that she would remember long after her life changed so much for the better that one would think all that past stuff would slip from her mind......

We have the most beautiful little girl on this earth--We love her more then anything....but, we have to warn grandpa, uncles and big brother that our beautiful little girl might grab their privates--if she is feeling close to them.....Baby brother cannot be potty trained the way he would like--by running around without his diaper on and going when he needs too--we cannot have him run around without his diaper on--because his sister might touch him.....

We cannot leave the room, we never know what she might do. We have spent hundreds of dollares insuring there are no BLIND spots in our home--we have had to install vedio monitors. The cats we had all have new homes....it just was not safe here for them any more.... we have alarms on the doors that lead outside because our little girl is used to sleeping under the stars and will go out and sleep in the front yard....

Adopting a child who has memories and expereinces that are not part of the way you live your life is a long road of up's and down's. Not all older children come with problems....but, many do and the effort it takes to bring an older child into your home is far more in my opinion then having a newborn baby awake every 2 hours. There are no guarentees that an older child will not have issues you find you didn't expect---

I advocate for adopting older children but I also believe it is very important that a family who does is ready for ANYTHING that might happen....it is beyond horrible when these children expereince an adoption that falls through and many people do give up when they realize the sitation they have gotten into with an older child.

Keep getting education about the real stories you may face. There are many forums here that deal with Special Needs, older children and the children who have been in the system. Believe the worst is possible and if you are able to see yourself dealing with the worst then perhaps your family will be a family that can make the whole situation sucessful.....if you have the slightest doubt then my best advice would be to wait until later and adopt an older child when the other children in your home can deal with some of the things that may possibly take place.

[jude4691]

Hi,
We are in the process of adopting an older child who is 8. We have birth children (4), between 11 and 18 years of age.A year on things are settling down, but our birth children have found it hard having a new child with a very strong personality coming in and demanding a lot of attention or bossing them around. If she had been any older I think we would have found it even
harder to deal with her behaviour.If you do go for an older child you need a lot of support. At times our birth children have wanted to send her back, and I've felt guilty at the pain our choice to adopt has inflicted on our birth children.
It is going better now,but we've had to tell social workers that we are not ready to legally adopt yet, and then they tend to worry that the placement might break down.
My heart does go out to older children though, but you need good relationships with your partner and kids to withstand the pressure
Good luck,
Jude

[LotAkids]

We have three bio kids and adopted four older kids out of our state's foster care program.
Older kids have issues. Usually lots of them. They take up lots of time and energy. I love all my kids. But I do struggle sometimes with the guilt of not having the time I used to have to spend with my bio kids.
We have an almost 2, an almost 3, a 5 and a 10 that are adopted.
They were all drug and alcohol exposed. My 10 and my 5 both have learning disabilities and have an IEP. My 5 also needs a liver transplant and has sensory integration disorder. He has ADHD and impulse control issues.
My point is this: older kids are a joy, BUT they have issues. If I could do it again, I would just do one at a time. I wouldn't do a sibling group.
My 9 yo DD has really suffered. She has grown a lot, but has suffered too.

[forevermom]

Thank you for your replies.

HappyMomAnna, I noticed you are from Oregon like I am. When you adopted your children, did the state inform you of the issues with your daughter? or did they not even know?

Is it common to not be told all of the childrens issues? Our daughter we adopted through the state is little so there was not much to tell. Is it different with the older children?

[HappyMomAnna]

Yeah Oregon!!!!

I have to say the state was great and did everything they possibly could to tell us of all the known issues.

I personally feel the clear sexual abuse/sexulized behavior was completely MISSED in her Foster Home. Byt no real fault of anyone. There were 8-children in the home so there was a lot to look at. I did find it odd that our daughter was the only child in the house who had her own room? Still wonder about that?

But, considering the Foster mother told me our daughter wore two sizes bigger then she does in clothing (and they are still too big) I think the foster Family had way more then they could really pay attention to.....

When we got her things home and looked through everything--I found some drawings in a book that were to me clearly mens privates.... that was a bit alarming, but I also knew with a baby brother that might be something a five year old would draw.

The Foster Family did have her in counseling--Play Therapy. And the therapist said that she had done her best to determine if there might have been sexual abuse and so far had no reason to be concerned....SEXUAL abuse was one of the things we most wanted to aviod....

Before the adoption was final the state was VERY proactive with us and the caseworker was right in there the moment I called to say we were 100% sure something sexual had happened to our daughter. I think it was less then 2-hours before a referal to a therapist with high skill in working with sexually abused children was calling us to set an appointment up.

The post adoption resource center has also helped sooooo much. I love those people and the lending library because I don't have to leave the house and books are mailed fast.

I honestly cannot point my finger at the state or the foster family for missing anything. Our daughter did not exhibit any sexual behaviors until as her father puts it they began expereincing 'connections' with each other and bonding....and then he explained that it appeared to be automatic behavior she had no idea was wrong....My husband had a big head trip over it because it was very confusing and happened at the time when they were feeling close and she was upset because she didn't know it was wrong.

We assume there was contact with birthmoms boyfriend or that she witnessed something. We assume that the Foster Home did not offer the same kind of intamte bonding expereince and that these behaviors did not come up there--or if they did it was not with an adult.

I am in Washington County where are you? PM me if you would rather keep it between us.

[sassafras]

Hi. We adopted older children, plural! We adopted a 10, 11 and 8 year old and already had a bio son who was 8. I want to say I know alot of people who have adopted older kids and all have had positive experiences. The horror stories you hear I believe are few and far in between. We have had a great experience. The oldest who is now 12 was the easiest!! My friend adopted a 4 and 12 year old sib set of brothers through the foster care and she is closest with the 12 year old! It can be a wonderful experience and I believe most of the time it is. I am not saying we have not had troubles or problems but we have been able to handle them just fine. My kids were all drug babies. The only effects we have seen is my 10 year old son has ADHD but it is very well conrolled. My bio son has autism and believe me I never took one drug or one drop of alcohol during my pregnancy at any time!! So you never know! I can't imagine not having these four beautiful wonderful children in my life.

[Colorbind love]

If you find the book Adopting the Older Child by Claudia Jewell, there is a checklist in the book that can help you assess whether you are ready to adopt an older child or not. The book was written in the 70s but its still fairly relevant and accurate for the adjustment of older children in adoption. And, I'm not saying that the checklist is a be-all end-all assessment. But, its gives a pretty accurate overview of the issues, risks and needs of adopting an older child. If you read the list and feel excitement and confidence in tackling the issues mentioned, then you might want to look into adopting an older child. If you read the list and want to run and hide, then you probably do NOT want to adopt an older child.

I think people need to consider an individual child for themselves, and not necessarily automatically consider or rule-out based on birth order and age. But, I think that anytime you look at A child and realize that you cannot provide the home this child needs, no matter why you feel that way, then you need to look for another placement.

There are many good and tough points about adopting an older child, and an out of birth order child. Not only would I do it again, but we are planning on doing it again in the near future. But, adopting our oldest at 7 has presented very unique challenges as a mother and a family. There is no reason to not explore and consider the option at all. But, I think you need to be well informed and well prepared to adopt an older child. If you do all of that and still feel led to adopt an older child, then don't let the strange looks of friends, families or strangers stop you from pursuing what you feel is right for your family. And, if you consider it and feel inadequate, then don't feel any shame or embarrassment in admitting that this is not for you.

It takes all kinds of people to adopt, and all kinds of children desperately need homes. You cannot adopt every child who needs a family. You can only adopt your children, no matter their ages or circumstances.