[Mex]

Dr. Art:
Do you know of any books or references that would speak to how an older child should be transitioned to an adoptive home? My future daughter (12 years) is currently in a foster home that she loves and is "bonded" to (not sure if it's really a solid bond). She's lived there for about 9 months of the 3 years she's been in care.

For a variety of reasons, I'm doubtful that keeping a relationship with this family is in her best interest. Many complex reasons, not the least of which that I feel she needs to bond here and will not invest herself in her permenancy here if she is running back and forth to her former foster home. The foster mom would love to have her go back and forth, and has even suggested that she make the trip with us when I go to pick her up for her final move.

The social/case workers don't seem to want to play middle man, and aren't really involved. I'd love to get materials from a 3rd party to share an objective 3rd party professional opinion. Can you point me to any resources?

Thanks,
Mex

[neebob]

Hi mex,

Eight yrs ago dh & I adopted older three kids (oldest was only 8 though) and had two different foster families to work with. What we opted to do was visit (our WHOLE family) from time to time with the foster families to ease the sense of loss for anyone. Sometimes we'd meet just to have ice cream together, so everyone could catch up. Usually it went well, but I was naturally stressed.

But actually, we'd visit today, but things changed in both foster families homes and it just kind of slowed down. But we sent cards, etc...had them here even. I was very naive about attachment issues then (less now!!!) but any problems we faced didn't seem to stem from visiting them. ALTHOUGH the kids will be (what's the right word...) twirlling? with agitation.....before and after the visit, so if you choose to visit, plan accordingly!!!!

best of wishes to you!

[Mex]

I think in most circumstances how you handled it would be really great. Unfortunately, there is a lot surrounding this one, and my professional counselor is also suggesting that we eliminate as much contact as possible.... It's just not a healthy environment for her.
Thanks for your thoughts, though... we may end up that way anyhow, the way things are headed.

Cheers,
Mex

(By the way -- she's a 7 hour drive from where I am)

[Peggy]

When I adopted my then 8 year old daughter, I kept in contact with the foster family. We still see the foster family once or twice a year. I was told that initially the contact should be limited to allow my daughter to bond to me. She was allowed to call them on occassion. Eventually the calls were limited, but thankfully the Fostermom was on board with this and she played the heavy in limiting the number of calls. My caseworker felt this would be better for my daughter, so she would not blame me for setting the limit and denying access. At 12 you could let her call or write her fosterfamily from time to time. But hold off on any visits for several months. You are right to keep the contact limited, but if you cut her off completely she may resent it. Usually the need for contact fades on its own. But of course listen to your instincts and the counselor, as each situation is unique.