[Mex]

Anyone have ideas on how to deal with food issues with an older child?

My future daughter has been visiting for the week (spring break). It's been overwhelming, exciting, scary, etc. etc. etc.

She's 12 and has food issues. First of all, she would love to eat fried chicken (with french fries) every day. every meal, if I'd let her. The only vegetable she knows is mashed potatoes -- and refuses everything else. She is eating way too much. And she seems to be obsessing about it. When we talk about the fun things we are going to do, her questions all revolve around what or where we are going to eat.

I've not really been putting strict limits, as we are still "visiting", it is not yet a done deal, and I want her to be excited about coming back, not dreading it. But we have to fix this when she gets here permanently. These things have been so ingrained in her for 12 years -- how do I fix them now?????

[aMarylandfamily]

Most of these kids find the only thing they can control in life is their food intake ... to you and I that seems silly but it really is real to them ... even if they have never been denied or had food restricted. To her ... the next meal may be her security feeling that she's going to be around abit longer to visit - to stay? ... again - silly but real! With our first placement who had been denied food we set up a cookie jar in the kitchen and a fruit container and he could have one of each in between every meal and soon it didn't become necessary to leave them out as "his" ... we also set up a snack in his room every night (fruit or carrots or some small sweet - different each night to avoid him sneaking in the middle of the night and after about 3 months, that wasn't necessary either so - time and patience. Hope this helps!

You will find alot of other "idiosyncrisies" (correct spelling - ha) that she'll come with that you'll need to address with a compromise ... leading her to believe she is the controlling factor and slowly undoing that - again lots of time and lots of patience - just be careful not to tighten the reigns too tight or tighten them with criticism or she'll back away from you and now is the time you need her to be opening up and talking!

Keep us posted ... remembering that alot of the input and advice we give you should be used as suggestions into what you are already planning and not taken as gospel or judgement ... the more you know the more you can add or subtract to whatever your situation is at that time and make things work for you and for her and for the two of you together.

[lucyjoy]

For a child who has been abused and neglected, being certain there is food available and that they will get to eat is a big stress.
She doesn't know you yet. I would allow her to eat as much healthy food as she wants. Don't buy any junk food. Be sure there are a lot of fresh vegitables and fruit. I caught my son stealing grapes in the middle of the night and simple told him to use a plate and sit at the table. Don't eat anywhere in the house except the table, even snacks and no tv while eating. That eliminates boredom eating.

Be careful about monitoring food as anerexia and bulimia are common problems for kids who feel out of control. Also, if you restrict food, she'll steal more of it.

Instead, focus on exercise and healthy living and set good examples.

Some people advise letting the kids eat as many helping s as they want but unless you like cleaning up puke, I wouldn't use that approach. I use to cook just enough to fill everyone's plate at dinner. Then, carrots and apples were available for snacks later to those who still felt hungry.

[crick]

I agree with Lucyjoy on this one.

My 7 yr. old is always wondering about food and wherever we go he needs to be sure if he gets hungry, there will be food available for him. If we go to a friend's house etc., his question is always "what do they eat there?"

Our kids were placed with us almost 2 years ago and it's still an issue so I don't see it going away anytime soon, if ever. I will say that it has improved drastically though. My son is playing soccer for the first time and he has not once asked about food as his excitement is about the game.

We make up the kids' plates and serve them as eating family style tends to encourage them to overeat and binge. Always have healthy snacks available and if they don't like what is being served, they know they will not get another choice. I don't withold food from them, but if they make the choice not to eat their dinner, then they do not get to make their own meal etc. and will need to wait until their bedtime snack.

It's definitely a security and control issue so I don't make it a big deal but did set the rules early on regarding where they can eat in the house and how many servings they can have etc. Once they knew the rules, they were better off because they also need the consistency and rule setting to help feel safe as well.

Crick

[sues250]

I completly agree with lucyjoy and crick on this. My 10 year old still has issues around food and she has been with me 3 years. Very picky!!! but always worried about it. I had to make it as much of a non issue as I could. We eat for the meal what is served and nothing else if you chose not to eat that is fine.

Mealtime has gotten much better over time. Good luck.

[Mex]

Thanks for the ideas. I especially like the idea of making the kids plates ahead of time. That should help some.

I was considering doing a project on one of our upcoming visits where we'd take pictures of different foods and put them in categories -- i.e. love it, it's ok, have tried it and don't like it or have never tried it. What do you think of that? I think it's reasonable to try to stay away from things she hates, as long as I can make healthy foods that are either new or ok. For example, she hates rice. I think there may be some emotional issues tied to it, as a previous and painful foster home used to force it on her (I read in her case file). She's brought up a few times how she hates rice.

New things I found out this weekend -- she's one of those kids that eats only one thing at a time and goes around the plate. Which isn't a good thing if she's overeating, because guess what -- she never really does get to the healthy foods. Making her plate may help with that.

Also -- eating out is horrible. We did so during this visit and will during other visits due to travel, but I'll have to work hard at NOT eating out when she gets here so it's more controlable. At one dinner, she tried to order Fried Chicken Strips with Mashed Potatoes and French Fries. I've been pretty easy, but I couldn't let that go. I told her she could have either mashed potatoes or french fries, but she had to order one other side dish that was a vegetable. She chose green beans, but left them for last, and was full by the time the came around... surprise, surprise...

Green Beans -- the only vegetable she'll eat -- must be the overcooked, canned, buttered, salted kind. I tried frozen ones with a little bit of butter to appease her, and she refused them.....

Thanks again for the ideas. Your right, Maryland, about the idiosyncracies (sp?) -- I'm finding more and more of them....

Blessings,
Mex

[lucyjoy]

I think I'd get the focus off food. BY making an issue of what she eats and even doing a chart, that's a lot of food focus and will likely cause stress/control which will make the problem worse.
There are going to be alot of other things to deal with. Set a good example and don't leave any junk food in the house. I think making any issue about food is a really bad idea, especially since she reported issues at another foster home with regard to food. Don't cater to her likes and dislikes, but don't force vegis on her either. In my opinion and experience, this is a control battle better left alone.

[Mex]

I appreciate your insight. I think you're right. It's just hard to find out which things are truly a trigger for her (i.e. rice) vs. things that just aren't her favorite (i.e. cheese, believe it or not). Guess it will just be a lot of trial and error....

[vbandsf]

I have the same problem with my kids and I've discovered cookies are part of the answer... no, seriously. Home made oatmeal cookies with canola oil (not that hydrogenated garbage in packaged cookies) and pureed fruit. It's not the best answer, but at least it gets a little fruit in and not much sugar. Tossing in a few butterscotch chips also help if they fight the oatmeal part.

You could try raisins but mine acted like I'd put buckshot in there.

[vbandsf]

I have the same problem with my kids and I've discovered cookies are part of the answer... no, seriously. Home made oatmeal cookies with canola oil (not that hydrogenated garbage in packaged cookies) and pureed fruit. It's not the best answer, but at least it gets a little fruit in and not much sugar. Tossing in a few butterscotch chips also help if they fight the oatmeal part.

You could try raisins but mine acted like I'd put buckshot in there.

[jen100]

Although I am sure that your "new" child's issues with food are probably directly influenced by her past, it might help to remember that sometimes we tend to overanalyze things. I have cared for many children over the years and I have not met one in this age group that wouldn't have been thrilled to eat french fries AND mashed potatoes at one meal! Food likes and dislikes that change constantly are normal at this age, no matter who the child is. I agree with some of the others... don't make it an issue because in the big picture of life it really isn't. As most pediatricians would tell you: If you offer healthy choices at home and limit the junk food available, overall your child will eat a healthy diet. It may not balance every day, but over the course of time it will. In other words STOP WORRYING! Maybe she has food issues that will need to be addressed at a later time with a professional, and maybe she is just being a kid. There is no way of knowing right now, and I don't think the world will end because she eats a can of green beans. Apparently I had my own green bean stage as a child, and I like to think of myself as at least somewhat normal! Hopefully....

[Mex]

appreciate your insights...
jen, her food issues are not just related to her selections, although i'm sure it sounded that way (that was on my mind!). she also has issues hoarding food at home and school, planning meals, concerns about touching food, etc. etc. etc., not to mention a pretty decent weight issue already. i know those are things that will have to be worked out through counseling and over time as she adjusts. aren't mothers supposed to worry

God Bless,
Mex

[PinkRibbon]

Originally posted by Mex
appreciate your insights...
jen, her food issues are not just related to her selections, although i'm sure it sounded that way (that was on my mind!). she also has issues hoarding food at home and school, planning meals, concerns about touching food, etc. etc. etc., not to mention a pretty decent weight issue already. i know those are things that will have to be worked out through counseling and over time as she adjusts. aren't mothers supposed to worry

God Bless,
Mex

Everything you describe is common for foster and adopted children.
It's great that you have her in counseling to address these and the underlying issues (security, self esteem, attachment etc). If you focus on the "real" issues, not her behaviors, you'll be helping her a lot more and may even see some of her food issues decline.

[Lorraine123]

This has been an interesting thread to read. My daughter came to us with terrible food issues. In fact, she was taken into foster care after being admitted to the hospital as "failure to thrive" (I call it starvation).

She is the pickiest eater I have ever seen. I was surprised by this. I assumed she would eat anything and everything after having food withheld. She eats no vegetables, bananas are the only fruits, some meats, but she would live on sugar if that were possible. She talks about food all the time. She also eats VERY slowly, which is a problem in our house since we have a 16 yo son who eats anything not moving. Her pickiness drives him bonkers.

I've come to the conclusion that its control. And at first her using food to control worked. We wanted her to eat since she was so malnourished. We are now having to undo that and let her know that the control won't work.

We do try to make food a nonissue. We don't talk about it much, we just make sure she knows healthy food is always available. We simply put food on her plate a dinner time. The problem comes when she refuses to eat what we offer (which is almost every night). She goes to bed without dinner quite often (less often now, than in the past). We then make sure she has a really good breakfast the next morning.

Things have actually improved lately since we have removed the food focus. I think its hard because we can't make our children change their food intake.

[jmsteve]

I don't know how possible this is, but....

Does she like any healthy kind of snacks at all? Raisins, banana chips, even granola bars? While I agree with not making food an issue, perhaps allowing her to carry around a small bag of snacks would go a long way toward relieving *some* of her worries.

(I still eat junk food like a teenage boy. Carrying around raisins and banana chips in my purse has been helpful in trying to break that habit.)