[crick]

Well, it happened again....

Seems like the public school system is determined to stick with the traditional format of the whole "Family Tree", and "Guess who the baby picture" is eventhough in this day and age, there are so many families of adoption and other types that do not fit into this outdated mold of cirriculum they insist on doing.

My 1st grader's class did a family tree thing this past fall and now I get a letter from the teacher stating we are to send in 2 baby pictures of our child for a project they are doing. Never mind that my child's teacher knows that we adopted our son at age 5 and it was specifically mentioned to her that we do not have baby pictures of him and if she had a project like this, to please contact us.

We have a closed adoption through the state so contacting the birth parents for baby pictures is out of the question, and before we adopted I asked the sw to see if she could get some and the bmom was NOT willing to let us copy any of them. (I understand her anger etc., but to deny her kids such an important part of their past, I couldn't understand that)

My son took it in stride after I explained to him that we don't have any baby pictures of him and when I suggested that maybe we talk to the teacher about doing something else to participate, he balked, saying "I want to do what everyone else is doing!" Can't blame him either.

We have 4 kids and every year I'm sure we'll deal with some form of this and to lessen the hurt and anger, how should I go about this?

Any parents out there who have dealt with this topic? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Crick

[Cleopatrick]

I can't help with the baby picture problem, we haven't had it yet. I have baby pictures of the first three kids we adopted, one because he was adopted as an infant and the other two because the bparents were kind enough to share. I will be dealing with this soon though since the two kids we are adopting now I don't have any baby pictures.

I just wanted to commiserate since we've dealt with it on the family tree thing. One of my daughters teachers used to "spotlight" a student and that student was supposed to bring in pictures of their family to post on the board. My daughter was really stressed when it came to her turn because she didn't want to exclude either bfamily or afamily. We had a picture of her bmom that we sent in with her, and then pictures of me and hubby and our other two kids. She got a lot of questions, but she's so matter-of-fact about her life that no one really made an issue out of it.

I would think that adoption and foster care is such a common place thing that teachers would be a little more sensitive to it. Good luck and I hope you get some really good suggestions!

[alicia hunter]

Well, I think I'd be talking to the teacher for sure. She should be sensitive in making assignments so your son does not feel uncomfortable. I'd just let her know again because kids like this feel different enough without teachers making them feel worse.

[lucyjoy]

I let my kids decide whether to do family trees, autobiographies and other such projects. Can you imagine the impact these projects have on a kid who was removed to foster care the week of the project? I had a kid staying with me who was given the question "how have your parents impacted your life" on a state wide test. He told them what he thought of their question as an answer to his essay, but he was visibly disturbed when he returned home. And then there's the lovely where'd your name come from? I'd be in that office asking the principle how she intends to explain these projects to my son(not that I'd let her).
The learning value from these projects is not worth the cost to all the kids whose families are split. I met a girl a few months back who had 32 siblings do to divorce and remarriages. I bet she doesn't care to do a family tree either. Why can't they make these classes electives so the kids that want them can study them and save the others from the trauma.

[Sharon]

I agree. As a teacher (albeit a preschool teacher ), I see little or no value in these projects, even for nonadopted children.
Genealogy is a "love it or leave it" type subject... personally I am fascinated by it, but many people couldn't care less; and I did not even begin to be interested in genealogy until my mid-twenties. If they'd forced me to do it in school, I'd probably never have become interested in it as an adult. It's a hobby; a fun hobby. Why force it on kids? I don't see it as having any real value in a school curriculum.
As far as some of these essays (Describe your family, how have your parents impacted your life, etc) I understand the value of the assignment (creativity, writing skills) but I don't understand why there is no choice of topic. When I was in elementary school, we kept journals. We were assigned to write in them every day. We were always given a choice of two topics... two widely varied topics. On the essay portion of the GED test, a choice of four topics were offered. Often a specific topic is uninspiring or unappealing or simply impossible for one reason or another, and there really should be a choice, no matter how young the child. Maybe this could be suggested to the teacher (or to the school administrators, if the teacher is unreceptive): that when essays and creative writing are assigned, the students be given several different topics to choose from? It couldn't hurt to ask, anyway.
Best of luck, ~ Sharon

[Georgia Mom]

We have dealt with this in various forms over the years. When my two youngest daughters were in elementary school (in the same special ed classroom), they had the baby picture assignment. To my sorrow, I have no baby pictures of any of my children, all of whom were placed with us at age 6 or older, out of foster care. I wrote the teacher a nice letter, explaining why my children, as well as most children in foster care, would not be able to do the assignment. She changed it and had the kids just cut out magazine pictures of babies and toddlers and older children, to show how we grow and change over the years (evidently the point of the assignment in the first place). I hope that she took my letter to heart and has not subjected other children to it.

My children have also run into problems with seemingly simple questions, like how many brothers and sisters they have. Now is that biological sibs, even the ones they never see? Or is it just the adoptive ones who live with them? Or is it their foster sibs also?

Even our 18 y-o foster daughter now has three families...her birth mother, step-dad and siblings, her birth father, step-mom and siblings, and us...foster mom and dad and foster sibs. She has quite a convoluted family tree now.

I advise education for the teachers and principals. I think in this day and age, there are so many variants of families, that it is unnecessaily confining, at best, to insist on these topics as suitable fodder for the education mill.

Good luck in dealing with it.

[crick]

Thanks for the support.

I've talked some more with my son and he isn't up for anything different than what the class is doing. He's even suggested that we take a picture of his younger brother who was 1 at the time (foster family took the picture) and pass it off as himself. Said "I know it's not me, but we could pretend?" I'm actually thinking about it, but don't think it's a good idea for many reasons.

I don't want to push him on the issue so will have to talk to the teacher and remind her again of our family and what we can do to make my son more comfortable.

Here's hoping that the more we educate the schools, the more they'll stop to think about this.

Crick

[lucyjoy]

One of my kids took a cousins picture-his idea and choice. Since the project was useless for his learning and he did seem to get it, I left it up to him to handle.

[alicia hunter]

The more I think about this the more angry I get. Surely this teacher had to at least remember that there was something different about this child's life since you did tell her. Did she just choose to ignore it and disregard the child's feelings. It makes me so angry that people are sooo inconsiderate. Whatever happened to putting ones self in anothers shoes.

[crick]

Alicia,

I don't really understand it either, which is why tomorrow morning I'll be going up to the school. His teacher really is a nice woman, but guess she needs a reminder.

At this point, I'm leaning towards using his brother's picture and figure as long as he knows it isn't him, then it's fine. I just hate lying about it, especially when I tell my kids all the time how I hate lying. Also hate that I feel like we are keeping it a big secret or something because it isn't. We talk about it at home, etc. but do know that my son would rather not talk about it and I know he isn't comfortable of telling others about his past and the adoption.

I'm hoping when my daughter goes to 1st grade next season, I'll be more firm in my wishes with her teacher and make a definite plan before school starts. I've definitely learned a few things this time around!


Crick

[aspenhall]

instead of trying to pass off the brothers pic, why not make it OBVIOUS....like a picture of the Gerber baby....immediately recognizeable that it isn't him....or have him take the gerber baby pic and a one of the earliest pics of himself ....and have the teacher choose....I seem to remember this type of assignment and there were some kids pics that were taken only 1 or 2 yrs earlier. As a child I just figured they couldn't find any from their babyhood. Kids do change a lot in a very short time.

[faintwolfprints]

Just a thought here........

Why not present the idea of him drawing a picture of himself as a baby. This way it WILL be him and it will be his own idea of what he looked like as an infant. Of course he does not know what he looked like then but he still has the same eye color, same hair color, etc. He can take a picture of himself now and copy it to a drawing as best as he can and make it into a wonderful baby portrait.

Your son obviously has his mind made up that the picture is important that it be him, and since that is not a possibility, he can create one of himself.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

[Sledge]

I like faintwolfprints idea, we adopted our ason at age 7 so we only have a couple of toddler pictures and no baby pictures (relative adoption, bmom promised to give mother inlaw some baby pictures so we could put them in his scrap book but she never has).

[faintwolfprints]

Thanks Sledge...................

I find it sad that adoptees are missing so much of the vital information of their lives and for them not to have pictures of their beginnings is devistating to me.

Isn't it enough that most adoptees don't have much (if any) information about how they came into this world or any information about how they grew up?

I guess the most that an adoptive parent can do after adopting an older child is to try to "create" pictures and such with their child. At least this shows the child that the parent takes as much of an interest in the child's past as the child does.

[crick]

Faintwolfprints,

What a great idea! Turned a light bulb on for me. I have a friend who is an artist and she might be able to draw pictures of him as a baby (close as she could get it anyway, using their current characteristics & pictures from a couple of years ago) and all the kids for that matter! Not just for school projects but for hanging up in the house.

Thank YOU! I'll also suggest to my son the idea of making one himself. He loves to draw and this would be a fun project we can do as a family to celebrate their beginnings.

You also hit it on the head regarding my feelings on the subject of adoptees and the lack of information. I knew going into this that we might not have much info, but as time goes by, it hits me more.

Thanks again!