[Joanmir]

I'm a single mom who returned in October with my 2nd daughter adopted from Kazakhstan; 6 year old Anastasia (she lived in the orphange since birth).

My 1st daughter; Grace was adopted last year at a much younger age (2 years), and also had the benefit of being with her birth mother for the 1st 17 months of her life, so her bonding/attachment to me is full and complete, and she is the joy of my life.

While Anastasia has come a Long way in the past 3 months, there still are problems (of course) with defiance. The one that is driving me (and my household) crazy at the moment is when she doesn't get her way and she goes into this CRYING TIRADE/Tantrum....its not even a cry, its more like a "wailing or howling" and its like her way of punishing those around her for not getting what she wants....
I understand that children will cry when they don't get their way, but I've read thats usually for 5 or 10 minutes....not Anastasia, she will continue UNABATED for over an hour (at times)...there is no use trying to console her, or reason with her (what are you kidding?) ....recently, the battle has been over bedtime- she says "she is not tired" When I explain that she needs to sleep to grow and be healthy, she still refuses and eventually erupts into one of her crying tantrums...
I'm at a loss with how to deal with her when she is like this...I feel like there is no more peace in my house since this child arrived and I'm am getting extremely frazzled...

Dr Art; any suggestions how to deal with her continued crying tantrums? There is not much info about this on the Internet; is this just with my child? or has anyone else experinced this type of behavior from institutionalized children?

Any recommendations would be appreciated,
Thanks

Joan

[sammiesosa]

I use to do that i grew out of it when i relized it didnt work but i would cry for things i couldnt have like my bio mom i would throw tantrums and what not i got so much stuff from it though beacuse my foster parents case worker and adoptive parents felt so bad and i was a mean child i would break the toys in there face!! i was evil!!!but i grew out of the tantrums and the crying tryant!!!

[JuliannaTeresa]

When my Daughter was Institutionalized. Everything was considered Community Property!

You have only been home with your Daughter for about 10 weeks! Plus have had the Holidays in between this! Plus another sibling

I would give it until April or May and then re-evaluate!

[lucyjoy]

You cannot force a child to sleep. I tell my children they have to go to bed because I'm tired. Will she stay in her room and play quietly or look at books?

[Joanmir]

I know I can't make her sleep....She will stay and look at books and play ...although not so quietly- she shares a room with Grace (the 3 yr old) and inevitably they wind up talking and waking up the house....

Maybe I just need to let her stay up and feel the ramifications the next day....the strange thing is she never seems tired! and wakes at the crack of dawn.

The other night when she didn't stop crying, I took Grace out of her room and had Grace sleep with me...Anastasia didn't like this one bit....so I think that will give her added incentive to keep quiet and try and sleep.

thanks

[lucyjoy]

When I adopted my first son who was almost 8, he slept a maximum of 4 hours a night. I was exhausted. He was never tired. Thankfully, he grew out of it. Moving the other child out was a good idea. How about soft music, would that help or make it worse? My son from Romania has difficulty sleeping if the house is quiet, but if the radio in his room is on, he falls asleep within 30 minutes.

[Joanmir]

Its good to hear, she is not the only child who is never tired!

I think as soon as she starts kindergarten in the next few weeks when there are No Naps (currently she is in daycare and still gets nap time)...this will help her actually be tired at the end of the day...
on the weekends, I don't give them a nap and they are asking to sleep by 8pm!

The music is a good idea; she LOVES music, I would just have to limit the volume level...but I think that can be done.

thanks for the great ideas!

[Dr. Art]

Basically, the tantrums are only behaviors; only symptoms of the problem and not the problem itself. Based on the bit you've shared, it is apparrent that she probably has some significant attachment difficulties and may also have sensory-integration disorders. It'd strongly urge you to have her evaluated by a licensed mental health professional who is trained and experienced and certified in treating adopted and foster children. You can find someone in your area at ATTACh or someone who is a registered clinician on their list can probably point you to someone local. In addition I'd have your child evaluated by an OT who is SIPT certified.

regards,

[happydaze]

I would really recommend "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood" Practical parenting from Birth to Six years. By Jim Fay and Charles FAy,ph.d. I know your daughter is a little older but developmentaly may be younger. Jim Fay and Foster Cline have a series of these books all the way through teenagers. Their techniques are simple and have taken the powerstruggles out of our house with my tantruming 4 year old. I can't reccomend this book enough, seriously, joy in parenting, responsiblity in kids, and fun in the process. Foster Cline has also written on attachment. Their ideas work well with all children as well as adopted kids and their specific issues and I've seen them recommended by others. It is "positive parenting" which my soon to be adopted girls could really use!

[Dr. Art]

While the Love and Logic series is good, it would not be appropriate if the difficulties are primarily caused by sensory-integration difficulties. This is why it is so important for parents to get a good thorough evaluation and not just jump to conclusions regarding diagnosis or cause, or merely respond the the behaviors.

[happydaze]

Dr.Art is totally right. I didn't mean to imply that this book is all you would need and obviously the issues go deeper. My girls are in therapy as well. I just wanted to share a parenting resource, and I think it is important to get evaluated by proffesionals. My apologies