[waiting home]

Hi,
We are a family of 5 (3 bio children: 13, 11, 8) preparing to adopt an older girl. We start our PRIDE classes tomorrow (the all-day Saturdays).

We are going through Catholic Charities and are trying to figure out the psychology behind the whole process. Maybe someone could help?

The wheels just seem to be moving so slowly and we were told that our situation is a little out of the ordinary; but I don't see why. They seem to be moving cautiously? Maybe someone can tell us what they see that we don't and maybe we can provide more suitable explanations. Our worker has asked us several times why we would want to bring someone else in when we already have 3 children of our own. We don't know how to answer except from the heart.

We would like to open our family up to someone who needs us. My daughter (13) would like an older/same age sister and my husband and I definitely enjoy parenting more now that our children are older. We have one daughter and the other two are boys who are very close. Both boys have special needs (learning disabilities). We have a lot of experience to offer that includes patience, understanding, persistence, acceptance and love.

Also I have a younger sister and it's a bond that is so precious to me. I would like for our daughter, as well as our adopted daugther to experience this as well. This is the reason we are focusing on an older child.

The biggest thing that has touched me about the older children are that even though many of them are so close to emancipation, they are still searching for a family with their goal being adoption. That just truly moves me and I want to provide that for someone. A safe, accepting and loving home.

We would also prefer to adopt out of state. We are not comfortable (but may be just naive) with the birthfamily being close and knowing where we are if the child does not want contact. Our worker is hesitant about doing an out of state and tells us that it rarely happens that birthfamilies come around to harass the adoptive family.

Oh so many questions. Can someone give us some insight as to what they are looking for, are we weird or is all this normal screening stuff?

From our waiting home

[Peggy]

But you are a little out of the norm, in a good way. I think what you wrote is very eloquent, and should answer their questions. In general the social workers do a lot of screening of everyone. They want to make sure things go smoothly, and there is a high drop out rate.

[JuliannaTeresa]

Basically because of Confidentiality, they can't do anything without your Homestudy being completed.

Your bonding situation or question intriques me because from working in Childrens' Services and having Adoptive Daughters.
I don't see the Foster Adopt Kids as Teenagers as wanting this or the Sibling bond of what Biological Siblings have.

I see them more as having more of a me, myself and I am being taken care of you are just my Sibling bond.

[waiting home]

I am going from what I read on the vague little bios of the photolistings online.

But . . . I have found several that express this interest. I guess I'm just hoping to find someone with this interest. It would be my ideal.

Can you give any insight to the online photolistings thing? As a "greenie" I'm addicted to looking through there even though I know that it contains very little (accurate?) information. How much stock can I put into who is represented online?

[angelical]

Good luck in your search and eventual adoption! I think it is wonderful what you are doing.

We too might be a little out of the ordinary. We have a 20-month-old bio son, but would rather adopt our additional children (very difficult pregnancy). We want to adopt a child between 2 & 12.

My sister-in-law has a situation very close to yours. (She is an adoptive child, herself.)
They had one bio son.
Then adopted a boy who is the same age. (fostered him from a baby, then adopted.)
Then, about 4 years later, they had another bio son.
Two years ago, they adopted a 14 year old girl!
And now, just last month, they have accepted placement of another girl the same age (only foster; parental rights haven't been terminated).

15(F-foster), 15 (F-adopt), 13 (M-adopt), 13 (M-bio), 9 (M-bio)

Anyway, the point is, it is a good thing that you are doing, and there are other families out there doing the same thing!

As for the photolistings, what we have found in the 6 months or so of looking, is that they are accurate but not complete. Basically, what is online is TRUE, but there is always a lot more that they aren't saying. In many cases, these are kids that have been available for a while, and might have many issues to deal with.

The best idea is to complete your homestudy; be very specific and upfront with your worker about what you can and cannot handle; find some kids online for your worker to inquire about; have her send your homestudy out as much as possible; WAIT and WAIT and WAIT.

As for in-state / out-of-state, there shouldn't be any reason why they can't do that for you. I think it is reasonable for you to want to protect the child from an abusive family. (We agree with you, especially if the parents were violent, etc.)

Good luck!

[JuliannaTeresa]

I adopted through Catholic Charities and my Teenage Daughter was in a Teen Group Home. Which is very different from a Foster Family.

She did not want younger children in the home. She did not want to move out of the city she lived in either.

The living in a group home and not wanting to move out of the city she lived in were not represented in her Profile, so I would say maybe 50-60 % accuracy with Photolistings.

[angelical]

Well, as I said, the photolistings seem to be "accurate", just not complete.

For example, here's what it says about one girl:

xxx is a very personable young girl, who enjoys listening to music and riding horses. She takes pride in her appearance and likes to be in style. xxx is described as being a "go-getter". She knows what she wants and she goes after it. xxx earns good grades at school. All families will be considered for xxx. She is legally free for adoption.

We have gotten her child profile, and everything that was in that description is TRUE. It just isn't COMPLETE.

She also is in a residential treatment facility and has a diagnosis of RAD.

So, anyway, just take what you read online as just the tip of the iceberg. The kids have a whole more to them than what they can say in one paragraph.

GOOD LUCK!

[HappyMomAnna]

Someone advised you to remember the high drop out rate for families who express the initial interest in special needs or older child adoption. Some rough numbers I have been told about the state of Oregon are that 90% of the people who attend the first set of classes do not continue toward adoption!!!! With a great number who fail to complete the classes or to continue after.

Many people including myself have started the process of adoption through the state with a feeling that the state was not interested in our family--? Some people have found it is difficult to even get the initial info--or have an actual conversation with anyone who can provide an answer. And some people read this reaction as some negative indicator about their family. And many of these families give up right there.

We think that when we make that first call and say we will adopt an older child that the state would run over to us and guide us through the whole process. Why wouldn't they after all every Wednesday we watch the news to see the child/children of the week waiting for someone to adopt them? We decide we think this will be a great thing in our lives and we make that call---only to talk to a screener who gets many calls from 'interested' families---only to never hear from them again. The state resources are very limited and if the screeners spent a lot of time with every call they received it would take many additional screeners to field these calls of interest. Therefore most states simply offer to send you info--put you on a list--or tell you to take the classes.

The fact is that until your file moves to a certain stage of the process you will not likely get much attention from the state. In Oregon a family has to complete the following steps before you even get assigned an actual caseworker: 1)Take the classes. 2)Complete the homestudy application (ours was 26 pages of open-ended questions each of us had to complete our own set!) 3) Fingerprint and background check 4) Receive returned paperwork from the people we chose as references. Only then is the file given to an adoption caseworker.

By the time a family is assigned a caseworker you have been scared half to death by the horrible stories of situations you may have never considered. As well as having some background in many of the special needs a child may have. And more then anything else by the time a caseworker gets your file---he can see that the family is at least strong enough to endure the nature of the process and might actually have the skills to work hard to overcome the issues a child placed with you might have.

I actually believe the state makes it a little difficult because the truth of adopting an older child comes with difficulties---if a family cannot handle the delays, waiting and stress of all the negative info you get---what will that family do if a teenager is placed in your home and oneday you find your bio child has been molested? Or you find yourself dealing with emotional or behavioral issues you didn't even imagine were possible? If we can make it through the process then at least we have demonstrated a skill of overcoming obstacles.

All the way through the process you will be told your family is unique---because each family is unique! Just as each child waiting for a family is. The process is designed to bring out the unique issues of everyone in order to make a good match for the child. It is often said, there is a family for every child. So I would not be put off by the attitude that your family is unique.

As for the issue of wanting to adopt from a different state---I personally would keep that in my mind and not say this until your homestudy is complete. You want your worker to be invested in you and if you tell them up front you want to go out of state----it might just put your file in a lower status. Not because of any rule or anything--just psychologically in the mind of your worker.

Your reasons for wanting to adopt from a different state are understandable. We were able to adopt from the farthest corner of our state. I can understand your wanting to be distant from any contact with the bio family---but, be very careful with this idea. A child the age you are interested in adopting may not want to move to another state. And some of the older children even after adoption are granted---limited contact with the bio family as it has been proven to be beneficial for these older children.

The caseworkers do very much consider the requests of the children. Our five year old only wanted a few things out of her forever family.....a big sister and a swing! We found out December 18 of 2002 that we had a placement however we were not allowed to start the transition until a swing set was erected in our yard! Talk about a hustle---no store in the state of Oregon had a swing set in stock that could be built simply---we had to go to Lows and buy lumber and fittings and make our own in the snow!

As for reading the profiles online---our children were listed online and I can tell you that what was there was true---but very very incomplete. Be sure in your heart however that with an approved homestudy you will have access to far more children and more details. Most states do not place the profiles online until a last effort to find a home. There were about 25 children in our state listed online---there were over 400 children waiting all together!

Good luck

[DianeS]

Hi, waiting home!

About adopting from out of state because of biological family issues... your social worker is right. It is INCREDIBLY rare for the bio families to interfere with the life of their child. Most of the time that's why the child was removed in the first place. Most of the time that's why the parent didn't complete the case plan when they were presented with it. They don't care, they don't understand, they'd rather play "poor me", or they're too incapacitated because of mental illness or drugs/alcohol to bother. They didn't bother when the child could have been gotten back, they're not going to bother after the child is adopted. (Talking to the current foster parent is something you NEED to do after you've been presented with a child to consider. Ask about interference from the bio parent. Whatever there was in the foster home is likely to continue in the adoptive home.)

Chances are, you will get more cooperation from your state if you search in your state for a child. After all, you are expecting your state to perform a service (qualifying you to adopt from foster care), yet if you look out of state for the child you are denying your state the benefits of getting a foster child adopted. The benefits include a reduced caseload, state and federal bonus money, another number on their statistics for the year, etc.

Since your ability to find a matching child depends almost solely on your worker's willingness to do the work, then you might want to consider working in-state, too, even if you don't want to work close to your location (a little difficult if you live in RI, easy if you live just about anywhere else!). But of course that's up to you.

Have you asked your daughter WHY she wants a sister the same age or older? If I were you, I'd get a list of her reasons, and see if they can reasonably be found in a child who has been abused or neglected, and essentially abandoned by her parents, and who had no stable family or role models for several years. It's most likely that you'll find children with considerable street smarts and survival techniques. Those who lie, refuse to trust others, who believe that the best way to not be abused is to abuse first. Etc. If she's looking for an immediate best friend, or someone popular (older is always popular, right?) to befriend her, or someone to teach her stuff like makeup, then she probably won't find that. But she may have other reasons, so be sure to find those out.

OF COURSE there are good kids in the system who have come through all of the abuse and neglect and turned into wonderful trusting adolescents. But the problem is that the manipulators are so good at what they do that there is no way to tell the manipulators from the good ones. The teachers can't tell, the workers can't tell, YOU certainly can't tell from those tiny bios. Sometimes the foster family can tell, if the child has been with them long enough, but that's iffy. That's why more families choose to adopt younger children - they feel more able to deal with an out of control child than an out of control teenager, if the child turns out to be that kind of person.

But, that means there are fewer people willing to try to find the good ones. I'm by no means trying to discourage you, just giving you an example for why you're unusual, and to give an intro to the types of things you'll be learning in your classes. By the way, don't expect your PRIDE classes to teach you everything there is to know - there are people who have fostered kids for years who don't know it all yet, so a few Saturday classes can barely give you the tip of the iceberg.

Have you read "A Child's Journey Throug Placement" yet? (I can't remember the author.) Or "Adopting the Hurt Child" and "Parenting the Hurt Child" - both by Keck and Kupecky? Those are really good resources to start with, so you can know what you're getting in to, and can start making your list of behaviors you will and won't accept in a child you're asked to consider, and how to interpret the various warning signs you're likely to see a time or two.

I wish you luck! Keep us posted!

[angelical]

I don't know if this is true in other states...

but in PA, we are actually working through a PRIVATE agency that is qualified to place foster kids too.

I think that must make it easier for us to look both in and out of state, rather than if we were working with the county directly.

I'm sure it helps too that our worker just adopted a sib group from out west somewere. So, she has definitely "been there, done that"!

Good luck to you

[JuliannaTeresa]

It's Saturday, so how was your first day of class?

[kamamsm]

Hi-
We have two bio-children and wanted to adopt a child. We didn't want to go the baby route at our ages (40's). We adopted a teenager who is inbetween our two others. It has worked very well! Good luck to you!

[waiting home]

Oh my goodness! I'm not sure we will make it through; at least without whining!

It was 7 hours of the two instructors taking turns reading us the manual page by page! Questions were discouraged as we were told we would eventually get to the topic in the book and it would answer our questions.

I have done so much of my own independent reading and researching prior even filling out the application that I have read everything covered. Not saying that I am an expert by any sense of the imagination, but I'm definitely beyond the basic manual.

Needless to say, my enthusiasm is less going into next Satuday's class. Most likely it's just the instructors and we are just going to have to tolerate it. I'm just disappointed that I am dreading it and not excited to go anymore.

Oh well, only 5 more to go.

[dadfor2]

hi there
i havnt read all the posts, but knowing what i know now, i understand why they may be a little cautious

adopting an older child in the system. It is common for older children to have attachement issues. with that said, your family will never be the same.

you have younger children in the family and that should send up red flags to your social worker.

Sometimes kids with attachment issues, get very angry for they need to control their surrondings due to feel safe.

sometimes, they may take their anger out on something weaker, like a family pet, and yes, a younger child.

so just be careful. i am not trying to scare you, but you couldnt understand why they would be cautious, so, that could be the reason. its just something to think about

dadfor2

[happydaze]

Don't get discouraged just yet, most people do feel overwhelmed by the classes. After the first class I felt the same way, why are we doing this? Information overload? Not enough questions asked. Hang in there, as others have pointed out most people drop out. If its what you truly want then be motivated by that, know that it is a difficult journey, know that the classes are for info but often also present the worst case scenarios.
As our social worker said "people don't call us when everything works out and is wonderful, people call us when things go wrong and say but you didn't tell us to expect such and such..." You'll get more questioned answered as you go along, especially if you network with other parents. You can make it through this, and in the meantime don't let it become the sole focus of your life, keep balance and realize at the end of all of it is a child who regardless of their issues can be an imprtant part of your family. If you really want it it will happen, but you have to do it for the child, and know reasons for doing so, because of course its a hassle, but for us it has been very worth it, beyond words, as we are welcoming home our daughters, and are head over heels about them, commited to them, regardless of their issues. Best of luck, and know others have been there before you, and we are still standing to tell about it.