[miraclemom]

We have a 1 1/2 year old adopted angel and have just been approached to adopt another girl (3 years old). My husband and I are very concerned about the birth order and the effect of bringing an older child into our home. Being so close in age there may be competition issues etc. Does anyone have experience with a similar situation and how did it work out.
Thank you for any input you can give me.

[aspenhall]

at 1 1/2 yrs old, I seriously doubt your 1st adopted child will be confused by the older addition. I don't think that the new addition will even register until later. he/she will probably just accept it. Just and example of how unaware children can be...
My best friend is a single parent of 2 wonderful kids. We have known them their entire lives. We joke that we are her assistant parents. The kids and her go on all our family vacations with us and have spent numerous sleepovers weekend stays at our house. About 6 months ago the little girl (6 yrs old) looked up at me with a confused face and asked "Where's YOUR kids?"
I about died, as if maybe they've been at camp for her whole life! LOL anyway, it reminded me how much children live in the moment.
I am 2 yrs older than my sis and that may have seemed too close at the time, but really it was fun to have a built in friend especially now that we're older.

I say Go For It.

[DianeS]

I agree with aspenhall - at their ages I doubt it will register. The whole "birth order" thing comes in to play more often when one child has a definate opinion on being the oldest - when she knows she gets priviledges that the younger kids don't get, for example. She can feel displaced when someone comes in who is permitted to do even more than she is allowed to. With those ages, the younger probably doesn't understand that different people can do different things based on their age, and the 3 year old wouldn't be allowed to do anything that much different anyway.

But go into this with both eyes open! Get as complete a history on the 3 year old and her behaviors as possible. If she's not used to having younger siblings and the rules that say how she can behave around them you might have more problems with the older one than the other way around.

Good luck!

[JuliannaTeresa]

I work in Childrens' Services, and I Adopted Daughters separately like that.

There are advantages and disadvantages.

As far as competition. Both Girls need individual or one on one time. I don't have a husband. I am a Single Mom, but I have a support system with my older Daughter's Biological Uncle which allows me to do this. My Older Daughter's Case Manager or Social Worker was looking for a home without younger children at the beginning, but this has since changed.
I think in your situation someone also sees a possibilty of your Family bonding and connecting.

Depending on their prior circumstances one may be stronger emotionally than the other.

Being close in age. Alot of people see my Daughters also as Twins! My younger Daughter was used to wearing Community Clothing when she came to live with us. You have to decide whether you want to raise them as Individuals or as Twins even though they are not.

There are a lot of great books on this topic!

[suzanna]

I want to second Diane S caution to get a complete history on the 3 year old.

We've been there and done that and our birth daughter, 1 when the older two came to us, does not remember a time when they weren't a part of our family. But she was also too young to tell me of all the abuse she sufered at the ahnds of the older of the two.

Be especially wary of a child with a history of sexual abuse. a 3 yr old is quite capable of sexually abusing a younger child &/or engaging in some bizarre sexual play with age peers. don;t take the social worker's word for it - many of them lie in order to get a child placed, some just don;t know. When I confronted one with a kid's history after finally getting acess to his old file, she replied that she had seen that , but thought it was just a story a foster parent made up to get him moved. Ask past and present foster parents and preschool teachers if available about any and all troubling behaviors. Get a good book and read up on symptomatic behaviors and ask oif they've seen them.

Sexually abused kids deserve a fresh start in a forever family, but I've seen far far to many younger kids destroyed by the older SA ones. And preschoolers who really do not know what they are doing are harder to deal with than teens who do it quite deliberately. I've actually heard of preschoolers who threaten their victims with death if they tell (apparently that's what was done to them.)

You owe it to the child you laready have to be very wary.

Good luck.

[Cleopatrick]

I agree that at 1 1/2 birth order won't come into play. We won't adopt a child older than our oldest, but at ten it would really affect her to have her place taken away. She takes great pride in being the oldest. Our middle child was our first child, our oldest came second but left again, our third came third but has been here longer than our second and oldest LOL. I also agree that you should find out the history. We are very careful for exactly the reasons listed. We are foster parents and we annoy the FIA because we are so picky, but I won't take chances with my three's emotional or physical well being.