[3lost]

I can't stop crying.
I want to quit trying
Everything I hoped for is lost
What do I do now?
Is it so wrong to believe what your told?
Is it so wrong to give your children a better childhood then you could have and then to expect them to come home and tell you how much they love you because you hurt for so many years so that they could be happy?

Why couldn't they just tell me 17 years ago that I would never see them again?

Why does it hurt so much?


what can I do to get past this pain?

Why has my whole life been one person lieing to me after another?

I went to them for help and they just wanted to take my kids.

What about me?

I need them to help me too.

now I am depressed again.

Now I am blaiming again.

I am fighting hate again.

Will I win this time?

Do I even want to try?

How bad is it to hate your children for not caring about you?

How bad is it to want to hurt them for hurting you?

I hate myself for these feelings but there they are.

I want to hurt those who told me I would receive a phone call from them on their 18 birthdays.

But instead I just sit here and hurt.

My hurting hurts my family. My husband and my one daughter that is here with me now. At 10 years old how can she understand that mom is dieing inside because she doesn't know how to get over the fact that her children don't care about her anymore.

What am I to do with her?

I have no love to give her anymore because there is too much pain. It is blocking everything.

Why do I even write this letter?

[iangeleyes]

I do know how much it hurts. To not know where your child is, to not know that they are all right. It's all right to hurt and to cry. I went 19 years (pretty much) without crying or talking to anyone about my pain. I pretty much have low self-esteem and my own failed relationships, as it's hard to get past the pain sometimes. But, the crying is a healing thing. We sometimes just need to cry it out. But, we do need to remember the others who are still there, who do need us. You have a beautiful 10 year old daughter who loves you and needs you. And you have a husband who loves and needs you too. Your children, I am sure, have thought much about you over the years, but, not knowing what had transpired, may not be emotionally ready to seek you out. But, from all I have read, once they are ready, they will try to seek you out. And when they do, you will want them to see the wonderful mom I'm sure you are. Maybe you would want to seek counselling to help you work through this. When I went through my divorce many years ago, I took my other 2 sons to see a counselor. When we would go, I got to talk with him also. It was such a great release to be able to say anything without anyone making judgement on me. No body just saying "It'll be all right", just attempting to soothe. I pray that you find your reason to carry on. Should you ever need anyone to talk with, you can always email me at any time. Or, if you're on yahoo, you can IM me (ginzan2003). I'm here every night, pretty much, and always have an ear to listen.