[kimyas]

How many of you have fostered and/or adopted older children? Just wondering what your experiences with the older children are. Since I havent been able to get any fosters and I am hearing there arent many younger kids in foster care anymore to be placed I have been looking into the children that are legally free to adopt. I have my eyes on 2 diffferent children both girls. Waiting to hear about the first one since she just became legally free and they dont know too much about her as she just moved here from va. I have to call someone about the other girl and then I can find out what is going on with the first one I was interested in. The ages I was looking at were 7 and 11. Anyone have any thoughts?

[JJemail1]

I haven't adopted an older child but we are open to it. After spending many months scouring "waiting children" pages, I've found that most of the children in the age range you're speaking of are aware of what adoption means, and some are even eagerly awaiting it and have ideas about what it may entail (their own room, a puppy, a mom and dad, etc.). Just like the many beautiful things we envision when we think of being parents (which may or may not come true), older children long for a family to call their own. However, what I've found is that that doesn't mean they don't still have trauma from their past. These children are subject to feelings of abandonment, displacement, anger, sadness (who wouldn't if in the same situation)? As such, just like with any adoption, it's important to gain a good understanding of these feelings, any associated behaivors, and healthy parenting techniques. You can do this via your own research and then possibly through professionals once you identify a child you are matched with. It will be important to cater your knowledge and approach around the specific child.

Again, I don't have experience but imagine that with any adoption -- especially with children who have their own set of expectiations -- preparation, communication and empathy will be key.

Best of luck!
Jennifer

[irelady10]

I don't have any experience with older child adoption- I just know what I've learned from reading posts on this forum. You probably know as much as I do...they may have issues, they definitely have baggage, but they have a HUGE need for a loving and caring family.

I just want to tell you, though, I think its so great you are considering this. There are so many older kids who need a good home and a loving family.

Where did you find out about these kids?

Good luck!

[kimyas]

Actually DYFS starting this meeting up there is another one in December. I got a letter in the mail about it. Its called Community Awareness Adoption Network. They present all the kids that are up for adoption. None are there. They have videos and tell you about it. They have people with adoption stories to tell you. If one of the kids up for adoption that they mentioned interest you, then you can tell the lady that is running it. They also give you a handout of all the waiting children but those you can just contact thru the 800 number and find out more information on them. Apparently they are having another one of these in December. I am suppose to find out about a 7 yr old girl that I was interested in probably next week sometime. The lady told me they want to get this moving and hopefully get her in a home before christmas. They need families too and since I am not getting any calls for any children I thought I could do this.

One of the girls I met there just adopted a 16 year old. She also told me DYFS does not have too many young children entering foster care anymore. So I thought maybe I could do this and once I adopt I can open my house back up for fostering and maybe by then I will get a young child. If I dont then at least I have a child in my home now. I live in Ocean county and they just started it here so I am not sure where you are from. But they did send this letter out to all foster to adopt homes that didnt have any children in there homes presently. Hope this helps.

Kim

[sandysis]

I adopted an older child (10/11) internationally. It has been one of the most gratifying experiences of my life. Of course, older children come with baggage, but they also come with richness.

sandysis

[kimyas]

I just got a letter from DYFS stating they were having another one of these meetings on Dec 9 and a few other counties are coming to present children that are waiting to be adopted. So I am planning on going to that one.

Kim

[Bamamom07]

I am in the process of adopting a sib group of 4 kids that I have had anywhere from 1 to over 2 years. I also have other kids. The kids I am adopting came to me at ages 9, 6, 10, & 14. They each had their own personal issues related to abandonment, neglect, multiple moves in the system, and even questionable or downright stupid previous foster parents. The 9 yr old was extremely needy and craved attention, also underhanded and sneaky, extremely charming and lovable. The 6 yr old was and still is overly affectionate with men. Also very sassy and very slow to obey. Ridiculously cute and charming. Had never had consistency and had not experienced a nurturing parent. The 10 year old was the most damaged, with severe ADHD and being moved every few months while in care. He had tremendous rage and jealousy, and had to have line of sight supervision for months. The 14 yr old has tried to be the perfect child, so scared to let anything screw up this placement. Now that we have made it this far, I can say I am completely blown away by the progress these kids have made in a really short time. The extremely needy one has learned to be much more independent, and that in spite of his health issues, he can be a "regular" kid. The little one has learned to be much more cooperative with rules and routines, and is such a precious wonderful kid. The ADHD kid hasn't raged in about a year, and is such a smart and loving kid. People who've known him a long time would probably call his change a miracle, it has been so profound. The 14 yr old is thriving, and the fact that my teenagers aren't clashing and fighting to me is a miracle. You will find many on these boards who have had much more difficult experiences than I have had. I think my siblings finally being able to be together was very healing in itself. Also being in a family that understood loss and was ready to embrace them was helpful. I think all of us just felt like we just belonged together. I can't wait for the adoption process to be over and to know we are forever a family. I can't imagine not having them anymore, they are such a blessing.
One of the most important things I have learned from my kids is not to expect they know certain things just because they are "old enough". Kids passed around in foster care may not be used to nurturing. They may not know how to nurture others. Girls may not have been taught about menstruation adequately. The list goes on and on. Please read, read, read. Learn as much as you can. Learn about "time out" vs "time in". Learn about emotional coaching. Read Keck and Kupecky's "Adopting the Hurt Child". Expect the older child to act at a much younger emotional age while fully expecting you to treat them as an older age. And remember not to believe everything you hear about a child from previous caregivers. Some FPs just clash with particular children, some actually make up mess about a child because they don't want that particular one. It can be really hard to know how much of a child's history is true. We could have easily just said "no" to accepting placement of our first child's siblings with what we knew of their histories, and we would have never known how much we could be blessed. Just prepare yourself. Be flexible, have a sense of humor, a thick skin, and be ready to ask for help and opinions from those who have been there.

[TxMom65]

My daughter was placed with us when she was 8 and we finalized 6 months later. It has been the most difficult yet rewarding thing I've ever done. Yes on the baggage, yes on the loss, yes on the younger emotional age. All is true.

Each case is different. Some are so very severe that I have read about on here. Some are not but all need counseling and help.

[chickie1221]

Kim, spend a lot of time reading on this website:
A4everFamily.org, especially attachment and red flags.
Buy and read books that are suggested on that site. Books that I found helpful:
The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog, by Dr Bruce Perry
Adoption Parenting, by Jean MacLeod & Sheena Macrae
Attaching In Adoption, by Deborah Gray
That will get you started, answer some of your questions, and raise a host of new questions. It's not light reading, and some things you read may be upsetting and/or difficult to wrap your mind around, but I found it helpful to learn as much as possible about what attachment really is, and what attachment problems look like, and how to help attachment grow. Perhaps it is instinctive for some, but for me, as a first-time parent, I needed help, and typical child-rearing advice was not helpful, because it was not addressing, or even aggravating, our daughter's underlying attachment issues. Some of the behaviors can look pretty wierd, and often, Love is NOT enough. A successful adoption takes a lot of emotional energy, and every age and situation has it's own challenges. Parenting truly is the hardest job in the world, and some of the child's issues and behaviors don't make it any easier, but the rewards are like nothing else I've ever experienced. Adoption is not all peaches and roses, believe me, and I am exhausted, but I laugh every day, and my heart is filled to bursting with love and joy.